Well Things have been pretty ok lately. I can tell she is making a conscious effort to not lose her temper. Despite me being absent minded. We watched another movie, and played a new game we just bought. It was a lot of fun.
I know I can't rush it, but it has been nearly 2 weeks and a half since we last ml and I have to admit I'm getting a little antsy. Now granted of those 2 weeks she had the UTI and then within days of it clearing it became that time of the month, so I can see why nothing has happened.
On the other hand I know our sex life needs some serious mending. During our little heart to heart through joking around I got her to admit that she rejects me almost out of principle when I try to initiate. I got her to admit that while I ak trying to initiate, all that is going through her head is "here he goes again trying to force me into sex". The worst part is that I've learned that she especially resents it if i try to initiate during a time when she is off limits. (like during that time of the month). We ended up agreeing that it would probably be better if she initiated from now on since she has control issues.
Since I know that pity sex and duty sex just make things worse I feel like for now I am stuck with this. What do you guys think?
....Since I know that pity sex and duty sex just make things worse I feel like for now I am stuck with this. What do you guys think?
This is something that I have mixed feelings about.
On the one hand, I want a "fully engaged sex partner." On the otherhand, my sex drive is much higher than my wife's. Through communication between us, I have learned that sometimes she isn't particularly interested in sex, but really likes to hold me and feel close to me while I climax. I have learned that accepting her "gift" of sexual love is a positive and if I say no, I am hurting her feelings and rejecting her. So some "duty sex" may actually be a gift of love offered by your wife....an attempt to make love between the two of you.
Has your wife read the 5 LL and have you talked to her about how you are trying to make her feel loved and what she can do to make you feel loved?
I read an interesting story about a book today that I thought I would post here as I think it might be both a story and book that GB may want to investigate. It is "not my thing" but then again, I am an older dude who has values from a different era.
Well Things have been pretty ok lately. I can tell she is making a conscious effort to not lose her temper. I guess I'm supposed to say "oh good"?? I don't have a wacky temper so this is hard for me to really get. Being absent minded can be frustrating for your partner, I supposed. But I don't get angry at my h for things like that. He has to be unkind to me, or the kids, to get me angry...
I know I can't rush it, but it has been nearly 2 weeks and a half since we last ml and before that?
and I have to admit I'm getting a little antsy. Now granted of those 2 weeks she had the UTI and then within days of it clearing it became that time of the month, so I can see why nothing has happened.
FTR, most women I know still ML at that time of the month. I find it has more to do with the man than the woman. Assuming there's no severe cramping, which has more to do with simply feeling lousy & could apply any time (bad headache, stomach virus, etc). But if it's the "principle," then she's not on very solid ground.
On the other hand I know our sex life needs some serious mending. Bingo. ^^^ And she insists on NOT getting any professional help when it's obviously needed.
During our little heart to heart through joking around I got her to admit that she rejects me almost out of principle when I try to initiate. I got her to admit that while I ak trying to initiate, all that is going through her head is "here he goes again trying to force me into sex". Have you EVER "forced" her? Somehow I doubt it. So whose sins are you paying the price for? Was she abused? Is this simply her world view of men?
The worst part is that I've learned that she especially resents it if i try to initiate during a time when she is off limits. (like during that time of the month). I detest this whole "sex is a weapon" & tit for tat. Even if she's "off limits", why are YOU? Why can't she please YOU? Ever hear of that? Why is it that if she can't fully enjoy it, it means you can't either? Introduce her to ibuprofen if she has cramps.
We ended up agreeing that it would probably be better if she initiated from now on since she has control issues.
Wow...a one way sex life....that will be uber fun for you. Remember the "heart to heart" wherein you guys said your needs have to be met but ONLY by each other? How's that going for you? Feeling all your needs met now?[b][/b]
Since I know that pity sex and duty sex just make things worse I feel like for now I am stuck with this. What do you guys think?
You know what we think...You're only "stuck" with what you accept.
Your discussion of less than 72 hours ago has already gone out the window.
It's sad.
Now you can read whatever hopeful suggestions YAH has, which your w will never agree to do....imo. (No offense, YAH )
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I agree that plenty of wives give their h's that "gift". I cannot think of ANY who don't ever do that. Literally.
When my dad died, I lost my libido. We didn't stop ML. I wanted the intimacy even if I didn't get "my cookies". It wasn't all about that. I felt comforted. H wasn't neglected.
Similarly when h's mom had cancer and she died, I was there for h whether or not I was "in the mood". It wasn't about ME.
It's called LOVE. Love is a verb that requires action. It's not merely a feeling.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Her issues with ml run pretty deep. I've been trying to imply it but she had an ex that used to physically force her. We have discussed that this is the main reason why she is so adamant in being in control of when we ml. It's quite frustrating, I've been thinking of getting SSM for us to read. I know that really she needs to see someone for this, and I tried bringing it up and she refuses.
I know for sure it's a bad idea to push too much when it's that time of the month so I'm trying to give positive love. If things don't get better soon it's time to go back to tough love.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
None taken. I realize that we each have different experiences and I try to tell people to search for alternate answers as my experience is limited.
As you know, I have found unconditional love to move mountains (in raising two children and in dealing with an angry wife), but as a Nice Guy who was stomped on by my wife, I also (once I reached my limits) both provided unconditional love, but took care of myself and made specific goals as to how I was going to achieve the kind of happiness & love that I deserved. I also lucked out with a super skilled sex therapist who punched all of my wife's buttons and got us back on track.
You comments about the gift of love are right on track. I was trying to point out that some men (especially Nice Guys) don't feel it is sex unless their wife climaxes, or (at least until I better understood what was discussed in NMMNG) I was that way. Nice Guys really are all about serving their spouse and women in general.
25, I really do think that you husband is one lucky guy and I do hope that you find the physical passion and love that you deserve. As an older guy who works with a lot of older guys and reads quite a bit, I am amazed at the huge number of men who have some form of ED and who refuse to recognize it and what lengths they go to to convince themselves that it is something else. Since your h is a doctor I am sure that isn't his problem.
Another thing that constantly amazes me is the percentage of American's that are seriously sleep deprived and how that kills many peoples sex life as well. I know when I don't get enough sleep for a couple weeks in a row, my libido suffers.
I also find it hard to understand men who would prefer a hot home cooked dinner to a "roll in the hay," but I sure do know some and have heard their stories. But having read 5LL I intellectually understand it, even if I can't picture it in my mind.
Again, 25, I think you are giving GB a lot of great advice, especially from a woman's perspective, which is something that he does need and many of the rest of us can't provide.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
....I've been thinking of getting SSM for us to read. I know that really she needs to see someone for this, and I tried bringing it up and she refuses. ....
My wife was never physically abused but growing up she was verbally/emotionally abused by her mother for a time (long story I will not go into).
Counseling really helped my wife, especially when it was pointed out that some of her abusive behavior was like that she suffered and since she knew how badly it hurt her, how could my wife impose that kind of pain on someone she loved, i.e. her husband. My wife had both an individual sex therapist she saw and together we saw a different (even better) sex therapist, who really helped my wife learn to realize that I deserved her love, that I wasn't anyone who have tried to hurt her and that she was inflicting the same kind of pain she had received earlier in life.
Good luck to you. I hope that things go well.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
We had a another mini heart to heart. She has been very self conscious about her weight so I did my best to reassure her. (she stresses so much because she wants to model.)
We also took time to reassure each other about commitment to each other while we held each other in bed.
I went to buy SSM but they only had one copy of passionate marriage. She went with me, I talked about how it could help she agreed, but said she felt silly reading those types of books. I told her if I read specific passages to her and tried the exercises she would do it? She said she would. Seeing how she is this progress.
Well that's it really, let's see what this weekend brings us.
