When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[mishka422]

When he asked what's the problem you could have said exactly what was going through your mind. He's probably sitting their trying to guess.

Yes, I know that is the case. I've unfortunately been conditioned to keep my mouth shut and just suck it up. When I try to force how I feel out of my mouth I literally get choked on the words. My throat closes and I actually gag. Bad, bad,bad. After being shut down for so long it's physically painful to try to open up. No, this did not happen due to the D. This happened throughout my life and our early M'd years.

Even after quite a lot of therapy that is something I haven't been able to break through. There was a time where I made a pretty good start at it and then Gabe came back and my mind went haywire and the eggshell walking began again. It's so hard to break away from that now too. Always living in fear has become so exhausting.

What the heck do I fear? I have no idea! I know I can survive just about anything. Does it matter if he leaves again because I spoke my mind? NO! Logically, my brain knows that is his problem, not mine. Actually applying that is another subject though. Something in my subconscious stops me. I'm not sure how I unbury what that is and get past it.

Still singing my song! This morning it was especially loud!!! LOL!