We are basically "pieced" but the pieces get a little raggedy every now and then so I come back for a "tune-up". I'd like to be part of a somewhat active thread for a while.
MZ, our Hs sound like they have a lot in common. I know it's so past shocking to find out one's M is so utterly different than one thought. My H is severely "challenged" when it comes to being forthcoming. I used to think it would be crucial for him to change that. Lately I realize how amazing it is that once in a while he will open up and often it's about something like you describe, that's just so sad that he had to carry such a burden for so long. This is the stuff of true intimacy and trust.
me: 57 H: 54 M: 18 y Affair over on Dday: 6/99 Never split-up but it was a hard road D: 38 GD:18 I forget so I come back here I know these principles are the way to go which ever way it goes!
HI! Yeah, piecing is definitely fits and starts here. When I sense it's in a "fit" I tend to go back to DB techniques and that seems to even things out.
Sometimes I can be really open with my feelings and needs about the A. Sometimes he is terrific and so loving. Then there are the times he (must feel so much shame) and he reacts with sarcasm and defensiveness. So, I just go back to DB.
One thing is that we are moving ahead and looking at the things we want to change about the US and the things we each need to change about the "I" and that is up and down. The list off the top of my head is a list containing:
* schedules * being open and honest about what he needs * forthcoming * noticing/interpreting imbalance of power
;-) MZ
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Busy busy here. Had a pretty stressful night at work last night. Didn't help that my H and I had a tiff before I got called in.
:-(
Is anyone else having triggers? Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel like myself again. The emotional pain is like no other I've felt before. It seems to consume my body and I just ache in a way that can't really be described.
Anyone out there with some reassurance?
H waited for me to get home this AM before going into work. That really helped.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Triggers are the pits! One thing I can tell you is that over time it really does get better. When triggers were getting me the most about all I could do was just hang in there. Of course all the taking good care of yourself, being tender with yourself, and surrounding yourself with loving people and especially anyone who can make you laugh also helps with the hanging in there but you still have to wait it out. It will pass. I promise I'm going to read up on you MZ, you really helped me. Thanks again.
me: 57 H: 54 M: 18 y Affair over on Dday: 6/99 Never split-up but it was a hard road D: 38 GD:18 I forget so I come back here I know these principles are the way to go which ever way it goes!
Are you still writing in your H#ll thread MZ? I know you want to keep this one generic and I understand and applaud you for it so I'm headed for that one.
me: 57 H: 54 M: 18 y Affair over on Dday: 6/99 Never split-up but it was a hard road D: 38 GD:18 I forget so I come back here I know these principles are the way to go which ever way it goes!
Yeah, I still post my own stuff in H3ll thread. I was hoping this thread could be a "place" where we "meet" to trade insights, ask questions, get support....just like a real life support group except it's here.
Has anyone ever felt like their WAS was so selfish that they even put the OP in peril? Not that I will ever let OW off the hook, but to put it bluntly, I'm deeply ashamed at my H's lack of judgment and insight into what he was doing to everyone other than himself. Our children, me, the OW. He KNEW she was troubled.
We have talks where I ask questions and he answers as honestly as possible. Afterwards he gets really quiet and distant. I can see the pain in his eyes. They get placid looking and darker. He is only able to state in factual way that he is hurt and ashamed of himself.
Me? I cry almost every week. It's an improvement over every day. I"M the one in treatment now. I have classic PTSD. I fit all the symptoms. I function in my day-to-day roles, but the A is always there. I don't want it to be there, but there it is, waiting for me every friggin morning when I wake up. I'm trying to reassure myself that it hasn't even been a full year yet that I learned the whole truth. I'm trying to be gentle, be good to myself. I don't have to worry about "keeping busy" because my work does that. I sleep very well because I'm so exhausted. I hate the OW. I'm ashamed of my H and that kills me. I have to rewrite everything about us and what I thought to be true about him. Sigh...anyone feel like this?
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Yeah, I feel that way, too. Our "story" has a chapter in it that should not be there. I try not to hate the ow, I try not to hate anyone, but I won't give her (ow) capital letters.
And there are still certain things that are triggers. Like when he gives me a gift, I sometimes flash back to when I found the receipt for a necklace he gave to her. Or a song I cried to comes on, and I remember all the time I spent crying over him.
Had this strange idea/thought etc. Is this a real idea or just a LOL ...twightlight zone kinda thought?
Does the WAS cheat on the house, car, job, dog, kids..... Like...does the WAS go and walk a strange dog in secret, go to strange kids' games and pretend to be the parent, drop off the car and drive another one, go to another job while required to be at the one hired for?
Why the spouse? or SO?
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
I don't like the idea of hating anyone either. Right now it's the only way I can deal though. I need to vilify her. She really is evil. Not because she had an A with my H, She was mean to a lot of people, didn't have any friends. I like your personal rule; don't CAP ow.
My H company is very large with many departments. Over the past year I have spoken to about 4 people who knew ow and everyone has the same response (they didn't know about the A) and it is disgust. Let's see, "snake" and "skank" are 2 responses people had when she came up in conversation. She comes from an upper-middle class family, but all 3 kids are messed up. Two are extreme underachievers and the 3rd kid is some big deal on Wall Street, but was part of the demise of the housing market in this country, so not a good soul either.
The ow was able to seduce my H due to her age and what he was going through emotionally at the time. They both had 12 y.o. crap to act out and it just so happened they were at the same place and time to give it voice. A Perfect Storm kind of thing. It's rather interesting psychologically. He needed to expel a very wounded inner child and once that "kid" was allowed to have a voice, he acted BADLY. Scared my H very much. I could have never been a part of it, I'm just not that mean. I think of it as an exorcism of sorts. The psych explanation doesn't help much, but I do understand I guess. We all need our needs met and sometimes it comes out in a very unhealthy way. Add seduction and you have an A. Can also be drugs and alcohol.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
I'm going to read up on you MZ, you really helped me. Thanks again.