Thank for your response. It was hard to hear but has given me alot to think about.
She's on her own journey now and a 12 step program that works IS life changing. I hope you do wish her recovery well. You sound as if you would prefer her being an addict and alcoholic if it meant being with you.
Is that true? And if so, Is that loving? You're right. It's not loving. As much as I want to wish her well.. I am angry at her for walking away from our marriage. All the changes that she is making are things that I wanted in our marriage for yrs.. and now that she is doing it with other people.. I'm mad. I wasn't really angry until she told me that she didn't want me in her life because she wasn't ready to deal with me and all the shame and guilt she has surrounding us.
BY THE WAY, HOW OLD IS SHE NOW? I'm going to STRONGLY recommend you read the book "Co-dependent No More"..
She's 30 and I am reading Co-Dependent No More. I'm trying to figure out how to detach but I can't seem to do it in love right now. All it is bring up is feelings about how she emotionally abused me (which I never really acknowledged) and it has me pissed off.
As for NOT reading DB books, it's really a bare minimum effort on your part. I know.
Your post almost exclusively focussed on HER behaviors...I didn't see anything about YOU or your behavior...or mistakes or things you wish YOU had done differently...why not?
Mostly because all I can see are things that make me really sad/angry. I know I was her enabler but I just thought I was loving her. I loved her "as is". If she didn't want to get better, I didn't pressure her to change or make her feel bad if she failed. If she was scared, I let that be ok. I had no idea that it helped keep her "emotionally detached" She says I'm a crutch and she uses me because I'm safe, will never leave, and helps her stay the same.
Things that I wished I would have changed are that I would have not let her put me down, or make me feel like I wasn't good enough, let her make me feel like I wasn't worth anything or that it wasn't ok that I was gay. I'm working on that now - but again its causing anger (I'm starting to see a trend.)[/color]
What would be different now in your marriage, IF she came back? [color:#FF0000]I don't really know. I only seen a glimpse into the woman she is becoming. I am hoping it would be more loving and 50/50 with emotional support.. I feel like I am more positive and happier with life. I am more caring and less selfish. I work hard at those things every day. [/color] Obviously I need more space. I think my negative feelings are valid.. but I do want to be happy for her changes as well. I think that will come with time, but it something I need to start really working on.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
