If someone asks you about being single say something like "I am enjoying getting to know myself again" or "I want to spend some time getting to know myself before I have another R" or "I am not single, I have two beautiful girls who are my focus" or anything else that suites you. Have something prepared so when someone asks you feel confident about being single instead of inadequate. Make being single a choice and a positive instead of a negative so your past hurts don't keep coming back.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
when I think that I'm alone I think others are judging me. I feel shame. I wonder what is wrong with me.
So - the problem here really is your negative self-talk. You've already looked at it analytically and realized you have had wonderful girlfriends in the past and will again, and that you have the friends and skills you need to do okay in the single life. So the real problem is that negative voice in your head.
What you need to do is actually TYPE OUT some positive affirmations and put them in your pocket, attach them to your mirror, and repeat them several times a day. Just to over-ride that irrational primitive negative voice. You're halfway there, in that you recognize what's going on. Now do this step, however goofy it sounds.
Objectively, if I look at my significant relationships I did really well. My two high school girlfriends were beautiful and smart. My college girlfriend was beautiful and smart and the lady I dated before STBXW was beautiful and smart -- she just had a drinking problem.
Why do you define yourself in terms of other people? Once you stop doing that ... maybe you will find peace.
And yourself.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Funny, I was just playing a podcast on worry for my daughters. They fell asleep to it.
And now I'm just wracked with worry.
We got asked to put together a crew to work a running race this weekend. I took Friday off to work all three days to make $525.
I sent in a list of people wanting to work. The list had four newcomers out of nine people and the lady at the company said they really just wanted experienced guys.
I responded that a lot of our experienced guys aren't working this year for whatever reasons.
I did not hear back from her today.
Tonight, I get a call from the guy who used to do the organizing for this. He's since moved out in Bobbi Jo's direction, Iowa, and he turned it over to me.
He wants to talk about the guy with the record.
One of the newcomers is someone I've known for 20 years who just got out of jail. He's had a gambling and drug problem forever, but I saw him at church a month ago and we had a long talk and he says he's ready to work.
I gave him a couple of leads on jobs, but they didn't want to take a chance on a guy with a record. We've run stories on this. The jobless rate for someone with a record is like 40 percent.
Anyway, I thought I'd give him a chance on a running race. It's really just labor. Lifting gates, barricades, throwing things on trucks.
But now I'm getting calls worried about the weekend. I was trying to do a good deed and it may have cost me.
Funny thing, the sermon is about how you shouldn't worry about material things or what others think of you.
I am trying to tell myself if I screwed this up I'll still be OK, but it is hard.
Lots of stuff crashing down on me at once -- summer worries, end of the M, dreading being "officially" single, and now perhaps having screwed up a good summer gig not just for me but several others.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Time to stop the negative talk and move on. Life is different but also better in many ways after divorce. Looking back, staying in that marriage was wrong. You will see the same.
I think we ALL miss what we had in the sense of living under the same roofs with our kids...the family structure...the support system. When you look back, the relationships were TRULY unhealthy and many of us here (not all) are trying to save unhealthy codependent relationships mostly out of fear.
Stay strong. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
FIBS, I was driving to work today and I am scared right now about everything. I am scared I can't make it financially. I am scared I won't find anything as good as what I had. I am scared that in five years people will see me and say 'boy, what happened to that guy?'
These are all things I've thought about for months and felt I was ready for them. But the finish line is right in front of me now.
In two days, I'll have to face the fear because it'll be here.
The money thing really is the most concerning. My sister told me once she could tell from my posts or emails whether or not I was worried about money. When I'm feeling secure financially, everything else doesn't seem so bad. When I'm worried about money then everything else is a worry as well.
I'm just having a hard time having faith that it'll all be OK.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Weekend is shaking out OK. Had to tell four guys that the running race company doesn't want new people for this race. But I am good. We'll see about the future. The next one isn't until mid-August, but at least I can count on this $525.
Email back from the L. I asked him, since I wouldn't be there, what a prove-up hearing is like.
He said STBXW will have to testify why the settlement is fair, why she's waiving spousal support and to establish irreconcilable differences.
It's actually better that she go because I'm not sure what I'd say about the irreconcilable differences. Part of me would like to be there to hear what she has to say. It's good that I'll be out of town working so I didn't have to make that choice.
By this time tomorrow night I'll be officially single.
This whole way I clung to success stories. The last one that bites the dust is one I heard back in June 2009. A neighbor of a friend I was living with invited me over to a cookout. He heard my sad story and told me his wife filed for divorce on him. They spent $20k fighting over custody and all that was left was the final hearing and she went to court and told the judge she didn't want to go through with it.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Hey, this is my last post in this thread. Barring something unforseen, I'll be officially single by around 2 p.m.
That's when I'll start working my summer part-time job, and I'll start a new thread tonight.
My sister last year said she could tell by my mood if my money situation was going well. It's so true.
This weekend should give me just enough extra money to get through the summer in good shape with the girls. I am excited about going -- and I woke up not so mopey and miserable.
This goes back to my childhood. My dad had a MBA and was a plant manager growing up and I didn't want for anything.
Even when my parents divorced things didn't get worse financially because we went to live with my grandmother, who had a very big house and a huge pool and I still didn't want for anything.
Then my grandmother died when I was in college and all of a sudden we weren't so well off. We weren't dirt poor, but my family's disposable income plummeted and things were tense.
After college, I was working at a small paper, not making much and watching every dime.
Then I got married, we both got a series of promotions and we weren't rich, but money wasn't a worry.
I have struggled with money being a worry again.
Church_31 is in much tougher financial straits than I am and yet she seems so peaceful and serene. Maybe it's an act. Maybe she spends every day freaking. She's told us in group that there have been a couple of times where she had no idea where her car payment was going to come from -- but then she found a way.
She has faith -- and a very nice car, I might add.
I need faith -- or at least more of it.
I won't see the girls again until Sunday or Monday -- probably Monday. I have them next week for a week and it'll be good. They get tiring -- especially being together so much -- but we'll do our Chicago trip on one day. I'm going to split them up a little -- take D12 to her friend's house up north for a day and then drop D8 at one of her friend's places for a day. That'll give them a bit of a break from each other.
Every summer is different and I'll adjust. I just have to keep my life simple. Live without anger, which means living without fear. Without anger, there is no bitterness. Everything else will take care of itself.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
