My wife emailed me yesterday about a bill that I had asked her to look into 2 months ago and she didn't.
I'm not going to acknowledge her email. That's a 180 for me. Val, Sorry you are here, but it's a great place to come, for a lousy reason.
Okay so it's a 180 and that's why you did it. I can see that IF it's a bill that won't hurt you by ignoring it. I didn't see the email but saying "hope you're well" is polite. It may sound condescending or as if she doesn't "get" how you feel and guess what? She doesn't. She's on her own journey now and a 12 step program that works IS life changing. I hope you do wish her recovery well. You sound as if you would prefer her being an addict and alcoholic if it meant being with you.
Is that true? And if so, Is that loving?
12 step programs that work, are the start of a big journey and it's hers, and this is likely a part of her recovery process.
She may well end up coming back to you after she deals with her "demons" on her own. Like you said, you married very young and SHE had some serious issues to start with. She was not done growing up. BY THE WAY, HOW OLD IS SHE NOW? I'm going to STRONGLY recommend you read the book "Co-dependent No More"... As for NOT reading DB books, it's really a bare minimum effort on your part.
I don't know anyone here who has not read them after a short time. I cannot imagine what I'd get out of this site if I had not read the bookS cover to cover 3 times...Seriously
IF you cannot read a book to save your marriage, then you shouldn't expect a lot in return. Sorry but come on...you will get a lot more out of THIS site after you have read it...
I personally preferred Div Remedy b/c the first book spends a lot of time on why divorce is bad, but you already want to save this so use the Div Rem book b/c it has more 'how to" in it.
I actually deleted it because she ended it with "hope you're well" and I was trying to read into it. Then it kinda just bothered me having it in my inbox.. so I deleted it. Felt better instantly.
It's done and you felt better. Okay...don't read into...ask or think positively. Remember, the PMA and acting "as if."
Really trying to eliminate all contact with her. Hid her facebook feed, hid her gchat. She says she doesn't want me in her life and isn't really making an effort. Her actions speak the truth.
Maybe, maybe not. I wrote things in my journal 4-6 years ago and at the time I believed what I wrote. Today, I don't. Just b/c she says or does something now, does NOT make it true, or true forever, and you do not have to react.
Focus ON YOUR LIFE and own what you need to own in the problems.
Your post almost exclusively focussed on HER behaviors...I didn't see anything about YOU or your behavior...or mistakes or things you wish YOU had done differently...why not?
you cannot do anything about HER behavior. [u]But you can change you.[/u] And since a Marriage is a relationship between 2, if one changes, the Relationship has to change, by definition.
I'm having a hard time reading DB. I'm taken alot of advice from the forums but actually reading the book has been difficult. READ THE DANG BOOK...You cannot have taken the advice much b/c surely others have said, "read the books"...
You will get MUCH more out of our advice if you know the concepts, plus we won't have to explain things to you that you'd already know...
Plus it's a SYMPTOM of a "don't make ME work on THIS b/c I just want her to come back" attitude if you cannot read[b] the book that provides the basis for this solution based therapy/b].
This is NOT like other approaches to relationships. So you have to read the book and honestly, if you "can't"...
then you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself how much you want this...[/color
What would be different now in your marriage, IF she came back?
You have to understand that if you have not changed at all, then in her mind there's no reason to return. If she thought the marriage was a good one, she would not have left.
Sounds as if you both are revising the relationship's history. No need to do that at your end. She has to so she can feel justified so she's coming up with negatives...do NOT fuel those negatives...counter them with positives and 180s.
that doesn't make her "right" but it does mean you have to project a different you, so she knows things could be different.
So look inside, b/c the real journey is an inward one.
I'd suggest you read "The Five Love Languages" and the other book on addiction and co=dependency b/c they'd help you in ANY relationship, but esp yours...but if you won't read the DB book, I don't know what to suggest. [color:#FFCCCC]
Own your part in this and grow from it. Yes it does make you a better person.
Finally, focus on YOU b/c you are the only one YOU have any control over. Be the author of your life.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
