At the end is a new beginning

[islander]

I had to take a long break from this...from everything. I dont know how much longer I will be on this site either. The more I read others sitchs, the more I feel it brings me down. I'm sorry I feel that way.

I have been doing pretty good. I feel I have made it to the other side. The other side, by the way, is where I no longer want to be married. I don't even want to know my W any more. And the truth is, I don't.

We have had a little conversation here and there, and I have responded promptly, been nice, and directly to the point. If she asks a question or makes a statement that requires a response, I answer it. I haven't really left any openings for her to respond.

She did email both my Mother and Me a couple days ago about how much she regrets the choices she has made (I will comment on that in a minute) and this is what she wrote:

To Me:

It is ok if you don't read this and need to delete it.

I don't ever think I can do anything to ever make things better... make the pain stop... be the wife I once was... I have made choices I regret and choices I have to live with. I cry almost every day and feel so weak. My heart hurts so bad but not for me - for the people I hurt... D, SD, for you, for OMW, for my mom and your family.

I have no idea how to forgive myself but I want you to know that I care about you and I hope you heal strong one day and do not hate me. You are one of the greatest persons I have ever met... you have taught me so much. Thank you... thank you for loving me unconditionally - I do not know if anyone can ever love me like you did.

We all fall down and now I have to find the courage and strength to pick myself back up.

I just want you to know that you will always be loved and that I need to file for divorce and not drag you through this anymore. I am going to save the money and file within the next month.

To my Mom:

I do not know where to start or even how to start... I don't even know what I am trying to tell you. I don't even know if you want to hear from me. I feel I owe you a huge appology and explaination.

(H) came into my life at the most perfect time. He has (as well as you) have made a huge impact on my life. We had a good marriage. All the time I think about where our marriage went wrong and why I did things I so badly regret and can not change.

I sometimes feel like the stress from dealing with (H D M) was a huge burden on our relationship. I wanted to get away from her so bad. (H) and I did not communicate like we should have. We should have done cousneling from the very begginging. I think the commute to (H's) job and stress from both of occupations got to me. I worried so much about him in (High Crime City) and could barely sleep at night with him gone... I don't even think I have ever told him that. Then when I went to eveningshift, I saw and delt with things I have never delt with and the stress got to me... I watched good friends cry every day because one of our deputies got shot and was on life support for a long time and almost another friend in a crash. I know alcocholism runs in my family... I started drinking more and hanging out with people to relieve stress. I wasn't happy and turned down a path I now regret taking. I can not blame anyone for my actions but myself... the stress just hit me all at once and I delt with it the wrong way. I can not change anything and have to figure out how to forgive myself and love myself again. I don't know how to get back to being the person I once was.

With me being down like this, I can not drag (H) around anymore. He deserves better than how I have treated him the past year. I have learned a lot from him and I know he loves me which makes it so much harder. You have a raised a wonderful son - you know that. As I write this email, I have tears falling down my face... I know what I did was wrong and hope that one day you and (FIL) can forgive me. I love you both and thank you for everything you have done for me and (D).

___________

So, I thought I was completely done, wanted the D to be over, and ready to move on. Then W writes these emails about how much she regrets what she has done (we exchanged a few more emails too, as well as some tm about the same) and even though I know I feel like this, I know my feelings could also change.

Even though I don't really care about going to C anymore, I asked W if she would want to go to MC with me. She did not answer, and when I asked again, she said she could not answer that right now, she didn't want to talk about it, and that she has been crying alot.

Whatever, is how I feel. I know that if I really regretted something that I had done (and in the past I have), I would do anything to make it right....that is real regret, and we rarely have the opportunity to make things right when they go so wrong.

This really makes me feel like I don't want to do MC, and if I ever did get the chance to do MC, I think I would have to be completely honest with my W and the C and say that I REALLY don't want to be M right now, and I am not sure if there is anything that my W can do to change that.

Then my FIL tells me that my W just bought tickets to Daytona 500...if she is really as down as she claimed to be, why would she be posting this on FB. I know when I was crying everyday that I couldn't even get out of bed...and she keeps taking trips (a couple recently).

I am tired of the rollercoaster, and I have gotten off. Her email to me was not the ticket to get back on. I really feel I am done, but I haven't left the amusement park yet, but I think I am running toward the exit, and don't know if I can be stopped!

I want to thank everybody who has followed my sitch and spent time commenting on it. It really did help me, and I can't state that enough.

I feel guilty that I have not been able to give as much advice as I have recieved. It really bothers me that I feel so much pain when I read everybody's sitchs. It does me more harm than good. I really don't know how everybody is able to be so active on this site....I have never been able to do the same. It takes a lot of hardwork and commitment to be here, and I guess I am lacking there.

I am not leaving the site completely, but I will definitely not be as active, and I am sorry.

You are all great, you have helped me so much, and I really have GAL more than I can say. I am getting back to me, getting in great shape again, and working my A$$ off to pay the bills!!