Tad, I've had those exact same thoughts as I am sure many here have. I know from talking to others, that there are many things that are common such as this. Talking to others was part of my learning about what is and was going on. In the end, I totally agree that a) it doesn't matter what they do - they've proven time and again they will do it again. And b)... see a.
What they do is what they choose to do. What you do is what you choose to do. If you choose to worry about her and she chooses to not worry about you, then that's how it is but that's all it is, right? By the way, that is how it was when you were together as well. I can tell you that what she thinks is going to change with the wind. It's all valid to her, but it all changes so much that it's hard to see it. Step back and see that.
It just is.
If you're going to spend time worrying, worry about your sons and making sure they are ok. Really. I know I have spent a great deal of time doing that for my kids and for myself. I'm glad I did. I'm glad I kept my grace about me and I'm glad I reached out to people I could trust to not pick sides or judge either of us. It would be easy to hate. It would be easy to get wrapped into the downward spirals. It's easy enough without help
It just is, Tad. Looking back I can say I'm glad I did what I could. I'm glad I stuck to it as long as I did, even though I saw and felt her pain with it. Looking forward, if I had not done those things, I would not be....me. That would be the real damage if it happened. I would have been lost and I would have been lost without a good reason of my own. My kids would have really suffered if I had not done what I had done. No matter what, those actions and the health of my kids because of those actions cannot be undone by her or anyone else. That's worth everything, Tad. At least to me.
While I mourned the loss of my marriage and my best friend and wife, in the scheme of things I am not unhappy. I focused what I could on the important things and prioritized them properly for my values. I was tested, Tad. I stood up to that test and I have no doubts about me or my children at this point (my daughter a little, but I'll deal with that and I don't think for a second she won't be ok long term; I was there for her when she needed me most and as a father, that's worth it.)
From there, it was just a matter of finishing that mourning. See, I don't control her. I never did nor never wanted to. I still don't want to. I wish her the best and hope that this is not the end of her growth and story. I am grateful for the time we had, but I no longer look for a future with her. That's not going to be in my case.
In your case, your best way through this period of time with your wife is without her, Tad. The best way for the entire family is for you to go on without her. If she wants to reconnect, she'll find a way. If not, you will have tried everything you know to try and could have tried. And really, the best thing you can do for her is nothing as counterintuitive as that sounds. You are radioactive to her Tad. She is to you. Stay away and let her do what she does without you. Get past the fairness aspects. At this point it is WAY too early to see what will happen no matter how hard you try. But it will take longer if you keep trying to see what is going to happen. If you let happen what needs to happen, it will be much faster and you will be a better person for it.
Focus on those positives. Focus on you and the boys. You will be glad later that you did, even more so than you are glad now.
Like I mentioned before I'm in Raleigh. You can find me on FB. I have a picture at the moment of me and my son. I'm dressed in prison stripes Use the initials of the first and last name to figure out the name. Something to do at least, right?
Take care amigo.
AJM
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
