LP - I thought my way through this, and yes I want to do it. It's really not a big deal and I am not making it one. I won't say a word about it. It's not an anger thing either. Just a "here ya go" things. There really can't be a backfire. What can she possibly do at this point? Take away my birthday?
Somehow, just doing it is good for me. I have always played nice and been a doormat. So, this little act will be something different for me.
If I thought she would see it as a big thing, I wouldn't do it. She likely will just think it's a bunch of stuff for her that I found. That's it.
Gnosis - I really don't think so. The difference now - I'm not doing anything to try to win her back. I am doing what I need to do in order to move on. I needed to take that little shot and get her memories stuff out of MY house. I spent the last 2 years trying to be the man she thought I should be. I feel good about reminding her that I was always a good man. This one is for me - not her!
If (when) I make it through today in darkness, I will have hit the 2 week mark.
Today when I drop S17 off at work, I am going to give him some stuff to give to STBX. I had a bog box of stuff I found while cleaning out the basement and closets, but she told him she doesn't have room in her apartment (she does!) and gave him the speech about the house still being half hers.
Anyway, I put the big box back in the basement, but the small container has some mail, old passport and even a couple of cards I gave her years ago. There is even one from our first anniversary. Yes, I am giving them to take a little shot at her, but I figure if they are packed with other things and I make no comment, it won't look like it. I think this is a good time to give her a small reminder of what our marriage actually was like.
There is another card that I had placed in our room prior to arriving at a resort in Mexico a few years ago. That particular one was our favourite ever. Ironically, when she and OM/Boss went away a few months ago, they (I think) stayed at a resort owned by the same chain. The card says something like "Let's make this week the best one ever. After 20 years it's nice to be excited to see you in a bikini". That's the kind of romantic man I actually was in our marriage - the kind of man who would email the resort in another country just to have a card waiting for his wife on arrival at a 5 star resort! She deserves a little reminder of that.
I would only admit all of that here in my safe place. I am not expecting any reaction from her,so there will be no letdown when there isn't one.
On to day 14 of darkness....
wouldn't this be considered a form of contact if you're really going dark on her?
Earlier today I put on a pair of jeans I have had for a long time. I commented to D19 that they barely fit since I lost weight. She commented "Mom has lost so much weight". My immediate thought - Of course! Cuz she's with him now.
BTM, can I be so kind as to give you a 2x4...well, nowhere near as bad, maybe a 1x2 or a furring strip...
STOP with the negative thoughts! Honestly, I suspect it's been as hard on STBX as you. You both have a shared history, and whether she's through with it or not, somewhere inside she's hurting and feels guilt for how she's handled things. I wouldn't know her from Eve, but my guess is that she's on the Divorce Diet herself. You don't throw away 21 years together without hurting.
It really doesn't help you to think this way, it just keeps your anger at the sitch fueled. Dark or not, it's pretty apparent you haven't detached yet. Please, get the anger out, but not by thinking STBX and OM are living it up. Focus on YOU, not her.
My 2 cents (1.95 cents CAD
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
you are getting great advice from LTP and Jack3, among others. Your replies have a lot of "buts" in them about how you would take their advice, "but" somehow can't or it won't work or whatever....
From where I sit, You are making yourself miserable and not living up to your signature.
If you've "quit", it sure doesn't show.
You glamorize your w's life with OM, way too much and worse, the thing you said you actually believe is the least realistic of all.
Why on earth would any spouse "snicker" about the trust their former spouse felt? Doesn't ring true. If it were really true, and she's that cruel, then good riddance.
I know you are hurting. A lot. And with your kids working there too, you feel like the outsider in your own family. I dont' know what to say about that but have you wondered why the kids work there? Is it some sort of great job? is it the only job they can get? I do realize the economy stinks so I am honestly curious. I suspect my kids would have mixed feelings about all this.
Your "just for me" move to put those cards in the box will do at most two things...1) annoy her b/c she's in an apartment and already said she has the "right" to space at the house and doesn't want more "junk" there...and or
2) IF she notices the cards at all (and doesn't just toss them without even looking) she'll see it as pursuit/manipulation.
She will NOT likely to think it's an accidental placement.
In any case, seems you are making yourself a hostage to your negative thought process and keeping yourself miserable. I have no doubt you'll spend time and energy imagining her response...and you'll probably come up with mostly negative reads on it...
It's more "stinking thinking", so here's my question. Do you see these patterns and just accept them, b/c you feel you have to work through them some more,
or would you like to stop feeling horrible? I'm asking.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
BTM, can I be so kind as to give you a 2x4...well, nowhere near as bad, maybe a 1x2 or a furring strip...
STOP with the negative thoughts! Honestly, I suspect it's been as hard on STBX as you. You both have a shared history, and whether she's through with it or not, somewhere inside she's hurting and feels guilt for how she's handled things. I wouldn't know her from Eve, but my guess is that she's on the Divorce Diet herself. You don't throw away 21 years together without hurting.
It really doesn't help you to think this way, it just keeps your anger at the sitch fueled. Dark or not, it's pretty apparent you haven't detached yet. Please, get the anger out, but not by thinking STBX and OM are living it up. Focus on YOU, not her.
My 2 cents (1.95 cents CAD
Firstly...our dollar is worth more than yours now.
I have not fully detached yet. That's part of the reason to go dark. Forced detachment of sorts.
I do focus on me most of the time. What I say here is just a snapshot of my life, and I come her to get the bad stuff out. I suppose I should throw in some good stuff...but I share that with others. You folks just get the crappy stuff.
I am not actually miserable - again I only post negative stuff here, because this is my safe place.
I have "quit" trying to save our marriage, but I haven't quit thinking and feeling about what happened.
The kids work there in order to see their Mom and make some money at the same time. I think they know they would rarely see her other wise. Her whole life is the restaurant and people connected to it. Seriously.
The cards. I wanted to do it and did. Whatever her reaction is really doesn't make any difference. Like I said earlier, what can she do to me? Nothing.
I still have some anger and frustration to work through, but again, I am not feeling horrible. Daily life is actually pretty good.
I will end with a positive for a change - I attended the auto auction on my own for the first time tonight and did a great job of buying cars for the dealership. And...I am watching hockey with the kids (including D19's boyfriend) and day 14 of dark is complete.
Yeah, throw in the good stuff too. I know a lot of it is just venting and it feels good to get it out. I've learned this is a safer avenue to vent than at our SO
...and I'm still used to getting really good deals vis-a-vis CAD to USD Heading to TO in a month and it still feels wrong to pay what the sticker says and have it convert the same to American :-P
In my own darkness, W and/or OM did not come out tonight to our weekly bar gathering. Had a good night. Coincidence?
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
