WAW, and a bisexual open marriage part 3

[25yearsmlc]

GB,

I'm glad you got to say those things to her. You needed to and the opportunity presented itself so good for you. I don't want to rain on your parade okay?

As you know, I see a lot of risk in your course of action. I don't want to go through those again, and be a big downer, so I'll just toss out a few things that are potential pitfalls I see, other than the whole "OP" issue.

which I see as ultimately fatal to your m b/c the rare couple who can manage an open m, seem very different than you two are, esp your w.

Here's a few things to iron out from your post:

[i]We watched it and halfway in between declared she wanted augmentations. The movie had a lot of well endowed women.

[/i]She's very very insecure.

Seeing well endowed women triggered insecurity in her, Yet you want to watch porn b/c you say it's fun...but porn films don't have flat chested women much.


[b]I told her I was tired of living like a divorce could happen at any minute. I told her I wanted stability and was tired of living in constant fear. She said she felt the same way[/b]

Good stuff. Makes total sense.

That only me and her were allowed to meet each others needs. If OP's were to be introduced it should be merely to add a little spice ocassionally

This is another negotiation. And it's vague. Which "needs"? Who decides when you're ready? Or if their "needs" are not met...And what if the other person isn't ready for OPs? (Obvious to US here, is that both would have to be in agreement, but I doubt that's obvious to her. Or that it will be in a month....)


We vowed to get rid of jealousy, and to not let it ruin our M. She confessed she turned down ML because she worried I only wanted her because of the girls in the movie.

1) "vowed to get rid of jealousy"...hope you have some ideas how...b/c it's easier said than done.

She says her insecurites come from watching porn AND that it makes her not want to ML, so it hurts your sex life...but you want porn in your sex life b/c....it helps?? What??? I see contradictions around a lot.

2) some of the very things you two engage in almost guarantee to fuel jealousy and insecurity, SEE ^^^^


esp on her end. She's revealed insecurites AND double standards AND jealousy many times.


Maybe You guys need to be spending your energy on building on the reassurance you have finally articulated, and building a good sex life NOW between you two only, which is part of the reassurance.


Worse, her way of fighting her fears, is by attacking you,

or by seeking out attention from other sex patners, so she can hurt you,

and make you feel insecure too. Seems to me

It's a dangerous combination to have those conditions, combined with an affinity for porn that triggers her insecurities AND her withdrawal of sex, AND then to want to have 3rd parties! And in the back of her mind and yours, as you two ML, will be the question "does he/she want OP now? Am I ENOUGH???? That seems structured for undermining one's confidence and NOT being reassuring at all.


But you are in a place to accomplish your other goals of reassuring each other. Why can't you just focus on that now? And for the next year?

Yes, YEAR...

Your lifeboat of marriage, was sinking fast til when? 24 hours ago?

There's no way you as a couple are ready to rock a boat that has just had a massive leak possibly plugged up... but


GB, You think one good R talk means [b]"I can tell we are both very happy right now.[/b] So it's all fixed? The boat of your m, can cross the ocean now AND survive a storm tossed its' way for "some spicing up"...??

No, it can't. The boat needs an overhaul and protection and loving care...and calm waters.


It's going to take more time. She lacks basic conflict resolution skills. She thinks all feelings and attractions must be acted on or she's being "repressed" as opposed to being an adult making a trade off we all make in our daily lives.
She has a temper and will lose it again.
Be patient. Be consistent with your boundaries.


My "bossypants" suggestion is that you Just Focus on the marriage between you two for now...

Elsewhere You said that

if OP's were to be ever allowed I needed to feel that we were so strong that no OP could tear us apart.

THAT TAKES TIME GB....

She agreed, we spent a long time reassuring each other about our mutual love. This was a major milestone for her I could tell. Since she finally told me she didn't want to lose me and why.


Well I'm glad she's able to say she loves you, that she doesn't want to lose you and that a "major milestone" has been reached.


But you have to realize that it's going to be 2 steps forward and 1 back.

So you have to steel yourself for the other shoe to drop with her. She won't get c, or t, so .....

I don't know what else to say except, please work on THIS relationship a good long time before even bringing up the topic of OPs..

.I don't understand your need to discuss what is only a future possibility so often, frankly.



I mean, do you think you two are near ready now? I mean no offense, but do you?


Can you give yourself at least an internal minimum timeline for solidifying this R?