my heart is breaking

[kermitdfrog]

Do you ever get over the shock???

It has been 11 months (July)since my husband first told me he no longer wanted to be married to me. Of course, things came in waves (Sept. I found out about the affair. Dec. he moved out,April said he wanted a divorce, May filed) You would think I would have accepted things by now, but I find myself, 100 times a day, saying to myself "What? He's doing WHAT?? Seriously? Not MY husband!" Some of that is because I had NO idea it was coming. None. He never once said he was unhappy before. And some of it, I think, is that until he said he wanted a divorce for sure, he came home every weekend and we went out, maintained a physical relationship, and he called me every night and we prayed together. Since the divorce decision, we have only talked/seen each other for reasons. (mostly- he did call a few times just to talk) But he does take me to dinner sometimes. But, basically, before the divorce decision, we acted like two married people who didn't live together.(of course, there was the tension and stress from the marriage issues) But I just can't believe he really wants me gone from his life. It just seems so weird.

Last weekend he came home to turn on our sprinkler system for the summer, and to get some papers to me for the divorce, and to take me to dinner. I told him I wanted to not talk about the D while dealing with the paperwork, because it hurts too much. Like the deed for the house. I remember how excited we were when we built our house 22 years ago. We had a toddler, and dreams of another child and a bright future as a family. And now this... Anyway, we handled that, and then went to dinner. We again had a really nice time. He couldn't stay long because his mom, who he stays with, is 90 and has been having health problems, so in recent weeks he has become a caregiver. So, anyway, he took me home, and came in. He always gives me a long hug, and a kiss, and....I basically seduced him. Never done that before in my life. But it really wasn't difficult. He said, a couple times, that he really needed to get back to his mom. But he didn't leave :-) Anyway, afterwords, he left and I am now left wondering...was that a mistake? It really is confusing me. I didn't regret it at all, but I don't know if it was a setback or a good thing. It was risky, because I think it would have killed me if he rejected me.

So he ordered some books for a client that came to our house, and he emailed me this morning to see if I would take them to him. Um,...no. I made him pick them up from my work place. I won't rearrange my life for him.

What really bugs me is he is ignoring our kids, too. I had mentioned last week in an email that our son was going to the doctor. He never asked why, or is he ok, or anything. Today I told him he has bronchitis. He didn't even seem phased. I know he loves our kids, and was always very close to them, but he seems to have just drifted from his life.

Now it appears his mom is going into a nursing home soon. I am upset because now he will have her house to himself, at least till they sell it. But then he will have to get his own place, and this will all become so REAL. Plus, without his mom there to take care of, he will be free. To have a social life without me. To date. I hope not, because we are still married. But it worries me. I know it shouldn't and that is the reason behind detaching, but I have a hard time letting go. Giving up control, although I never really had any. But it just seems that by letting go, I will cause him to drift away and I'll lose him forever. How can I make him see changes if I don't see him? My DB coach said that, although I shouldn't pursue him, it is ok to occasionally set up situations to see him. But, man is this hard. When I'm with him it reminds me of how much I love him and enjoy him. Why does he feel like we aren't good together? I swear this is a MLC. I hope he wakes up before we go through with the D.