I just wanted to share with you all something I just mailed to my ex wife. I wish I would have done this sooner but I think it will help both of us heal. I know it will help me forgive myself. Even though it probably won't help me any, I want to share it just in case it can help someone else.
Brian
Wife,
I wanted to send you a letter to express my deepest regrets over how I treated you over the years. I was never very engaging with you or the kids. I didn’t take an interest in your lives and therefore, didn’t get to know you as well as I should/wanted. This was very selfish of me and I am sorry. I should have put everything else in my life behind the lives of my loved ones. I should have been an equal parent. I am sorry that I never helped you around the house or in the yard. I never helped you with the finances. You carried a heavy load alone. I never lifted a finger to try to help you unless I was forced. That was very lazy and disrespectful of me. I am so sorry. I should have picked up the burden because of my love for you, and because it is the right thing to do. I chose so many things over spending time with you. I should never have played those games or watched TV over talking with you about your day/life or just sit next to you just to be near you. That was extremely selfish of me. I am sorry. Please forgive me for all the names I called you, whether it was in anger or not. Someone who is in love should NEVER do that. Instead of trying to hurt you like I did, I wish I would have learned how to talk rationally. I didn’t have to always be right. I wish I would have heard this saying YEARS ago…”Would you rather be right, or happy?”. I should have learned how to listen and express myself. I wish I would have known back then how to think instead of react. How to listen instead of be defensive. How to love instead of fight. I am sorry for my anger episodes that always kept you guessing how far I was going to go. I am sorry for throwing and breaking things. I am sorry for pushing you when I did. I’m sorry I always had to have my way. I would throw tantrums like a little baby. I wish I knew then how to act like a man. I wish I could teach that “kid” how to stop and think, then talk it out like an adult. I wish I could teach that boy how to love unconditionally. I am sorry that I took you for granted. I thought that no matter what I did, you would always be there. I should have looked at each day with you as the gift that it was. I should have loved you to the point that you NEVER had to wonder. I am sorry I let my pride get in the way of our love life. I wanted to touch you, to kiss you, to be with you, but I didn’t let myself because of the pride. I would sometimes watch you sleep just longing to touch you but wouldn’t do it. I should have realized what my pride was doing to us, how it was helping create a chasm between us. I am sorry that I left every difficult decision up to you. I know I gave you hell about them too. I should have been an equal partner in the relationship. I should have shared, or even shouldered, those decisions and owned them if they were the wrong ones. I am sorry you had to live like you were walking on eggshells. I was so hard to get along with. I was a jerk, an @sshole, a piece of sh1t that didn’t deserve your love. Wife, I am sorry I didn’t show you the love you deserved. I have no excuses for any of the above. I own it all. You deserved so much better then you got.
