Words get in the way

[angel61]

So here I am on my trip. Being cooped up in a plane for 11 hours made all sort of thoughts enter my mind and some times I would find myself sitting there in the dark plane, tears running down my cheeks.

Although we enjoyed the weekend, it was really more because of our interaction with H's cousin. When its just me and H, he seemed actually to be pulling back. In front of CIL, he even would recall some of our nicer experiences together. Hde even planned to visit again the place we talked about, told me "lets go there again". But when I tried to be nice to him because he was feeling sick, he seemed to be irritated with the attention. Although when he woke up at 2AM coughing like crazy, he looked for me (I was packing) and asked for meds. I told him where the meds where, but when I went down, he was just sitting at the table, looking helpless, and I could not help it, I searched for the meds and gave him some. Big baby.

Anyways, while I was with CIL, we had some interesting convos in front of H. One was about H's sister, whose son is dying of cancer, and who has recently realized how she was escaping from the pain by not ebeing around. I mentioned that now I understood what it means to be strong for someone else, in her situation, she finally understood it that she had to go beyond her pain and stay with her son to show him her love and support. We also once spoke about the blessing of being a parent, of having children, and how it was a committment.

Both times, I noticed that H became quiet. It suddenly occured to me that maybe it was not a good thing to talk about those things in front of him? Maybe he will feel that it was meant as jabs to his own priorities? I don't know, maybe I get on my soapbox too much that I am starting to think that everything I say might be seen as "preaching". To be honest, am I trying to impress upon H that I am a good parent? Or guilting him?

Another convo we had about relatives had something to do about forgiveness. We talked about another cousins family where they all fought. But now they have all reconciled and are talking again. The mom however wants to know "why" it all happened. H was the first to say that it was no use to bring up the past, that they should leave things as it should be. I agreed, and said that they should forgive and live "frm this day onward" and not dig up the past. I felt it was a chance to show H I understood...

I am not sure how these will all be perceived, over-all though I sense a pullback from H.

Regarding the upcoming weekend where H is going to OW's city, turns out he does not have plans yet what to do with D. No plane ticket for her to go with him. I told him to just let me know what his final plans are, but did not suggest anything. I trust he has D's welfare in mind and would not leave her with just any friend so he could be free to be with OW. But again, who knows?

I hope he does not do anything to set back the situation. Or to make D feel uncomfortable. I can only leave it with God, but I am unsettled to say in the least.