Well, here's an update....I got to feeling better last night...thank goodness!
Friday (yesterday) in the afternoon, Dr. K called about 5:15 pm and was disappointed I hadn't called him during the day??Like I really felt up to it!!
I was actually surprised because he had left the house on thursday evening (christmas day eve) instead of staying over(He said he forgot to bring his medicine with and needed to go back to the condo)I thought he just wanted to get away from me....being sick and all. He had come over on christmas eve about 7pm and we just sat around. I had just enough energy to go to mass. Nothing great but at least we went...and when I took his hand at the end for a prayer...he just sort of let my fingers drop out of his.
He did make alot of jokes about the priest...He's vietnamese and VERY difficult to hear and understand and it was actually one of the funniest masses I have been to. He messed up so many words that I almost laughed.....when I saw a big word coming we knew he would mangle it! It was fun and the songs were the best part...I love xmas songs!
We sang several together and had eye contact and smiles.
Christmas day he and I just talked and I slept alot. we had a good conversation about the story Dr. K is writing...it's about Us!! and he shared it with Matt and asked for feedback...that went very well...until about 6:30 when the girls and their boyfreinds showed up... They all ate and then I said I wanted to get a fire going but Dr. K wasn't intetrested in doing it. Now I wasn't up to it, but said since this was our last xmas here I really thought it would be nice and I told Dr. K...Then he tried to start on but said I didn't have any starter logs or kindling so we agreed together to nix it.
I was soooo glad I had everything wrapped ahead of time...and the food was ready too, because I was definitely not up to the job with being sick.......Everyone exchanged gifts except for Gabe, he stayed upstairs away from the group because of Dr.K....He will not participate if Dr. K is involved.
The card from Dr. K was great, I cried and we kissed.
He did come down and visit with everyone else before they left...but didn't say a word to Dr. K. Then the girls left one by one and so did Dr. K..
At least this time he waited for them to leave first!!! Thank You GOD!! He seemed sad when he left he didn't look me in the eye...but he called after he got to the condo to let me know he got there safe and sound.
Then here he was calling on Friday after less than 24 hours!
He said how about we go exchange the sneakers he got me for xmas and then to the movies??. I said great but he'd have to come out to the house and get me because I gave the car to Matt for work so he agreed and we checked movie times.....Okay, he came over and picked me up and we exchanged the shoes...and headed down the block for the theater....tickets were sold out for the show ...so we drove to another theater.....Now, here's the part I was uncomfortable with:
Today is Dr. K's birthday...and I felt like I should pay for the movie but he handed me a twenty and told me to jump out and buy tickets......I couldn't even buy the snacks because we had brought our own protien bars and drinks!
Well, no big deal, I rationalized, We'd still celebrate his birthday tommorow.....
After the movie he just headed back to the condo....Now who's assuming!!!
He didn't ask me if I was staying!! Good thing I brought some clean clothes with me!........
We got to the building and we chatted on the elevator with two girls and a woman who were waiting in the lobby....one very young student type said hello to Dr. K, but ignored me......She looked surprised to see me, with him??!!
I know some people might think I imagine this....but I know what I felt....it's sort of this instinctual radar! Now as I have discussed with you all before it's not that I'm insecure about my looks and certainly there is nothing to be jealous of in such a young girl....but there was this feeling like she was not happy seeing me! or something! She obviously knows Dr. K enough to say hello, but her friend didn't......
Who knows, maybe she thought he was Gay and then here I am...or maybe she doesn't like him and was just being snoopy....but the look she shot him when she said hello was very seductive and she looked pissed off at me...she looked cheap and not at all like someone he would be interested in...and see that's the thing....
I don't think he is intetested, but why am I picking up these weird vibes??!! I just dismissed it...what else could I do?
Well, we had a good evening after that....I really like my new sneakers. I jumped around the room a bit .......and we ML...although it wasn't very romantic because of that time of the month....Then he suggested we order a pizza. He was hungry and frankly so was I. So he did, I also didn't pay for this, but I wanted to offer it just seemed out of place......I did ask if he had anough money? He said yes....
After a while I knew I was falling asleep so we kissed goodnight and he put on "Objective Burma" (the CD I bought him a few weeks ago).....and I fell asleep...
I slept really well until 6:30 then I woke up thinking about that girl in the elevator......Something about that interaction is bothering me....If she was just a casual aquaintence she would have been more friendly and not looked so shocked to see me......I'm tryng to tell myself she was drunk or on drugs or maybe she is just a snoop....I don't know.......The other lady that was in the elevator was friendly and chatty and Dr. K told her we had just come from the movies.(This was in the elevator and when he said this there was a quiet pause so I know the girls heard too).....She told us she had just been out seeing the Nutcracker Ballet and the two girls just talked to each other until I started to step out of the elevator and Dr. K said have a good night...and I said "Goodnight!" and she(this young girl) answered me in a mocking tone "Goodnight!"
Anyways, I just smiled and said a cheerful goodnight again.
Well I woke up and started stinkin thinkin...and then couldn't get back to sleep.....finally he got up about 9 and so I did too.....I hugged him and said happy birthday....and asked him what he wanted for breakfast...only a bagel.......
We talked about our son and my job search....I asked what he had on the agenda for today...he said nothing! I was unsure of what to say. I wanted to say well me too, let's decide what we should do today!
He said I guess you are going to take the jeep and head south...I said how about I take you to dinner...No, he didn't want to go out to dinner, he really wanted to just forget it was his birthday!.....
I asked when could I give him his birthday present? He says Well, I can call him later and we can figure it out.
He asked if I thought we should change the sheets? I said how long has it been two weeks? Nooo, he says two months! Now I know it hadn't been because I just changed them two weeks ago...so anyways I made the bed after cleaning a spot off the mattress......Then as I was getting dressed he said," Come on I'll walk you down and mail my letter"...I felt rushed and really wanted to talk about the the day instead!
I had no plans either....and I didn't know how to get through to him that I don't need to be going back to the house....I could have cleaned the apartment, gone and worked out, grocery shopped and then made us dinner.....but instead I am being led out the door.
Now I don't know if it's because he thought I had to go back or if he wanted me to leave or if he didn't even think about it...??????
So, we didn't get to make a plan for the day or even what to do about getting the car back to him!?
He did give me a passionate kiss in the elevator ....
I thanked him for the pizza and the movie...he said it's all part of his bankruptcy plan?!
I feel like we are dating.
Then as I was driving home I thought how stupid this is...we didn't have to be doing our day this way!
But if I call him now he's just going to be interrupted or think I'm foolish for just now trying to get a plan together ...after I'm already home!
I waited all the way until 9 pm and then called him...no answer...only voice mail....it figures...He's either playing mad or playing busy....!!
Now I'm worried he's upset because he's alone on his birthday! and as has happened in the past he's probably resentful that I have both cars and he is alone..... None of the kids has even called him.....
So I left a meessage I would call him back in an hour...
He calls back after 30 minutes and says he got my message..."He was out with Beyonce in her limo and went dancing".......I told him haha....I said maybe he was okay with it, but I felt funny that he was alone on his birthday....I had wanted to take him out for a drink or dinner or something...He said well that would have meant precipitating a plan and we had gotten together the night before, so it was okay.......He was calling because he's going to bed and didn't want to be woken up. He's taking his medicine and going to sleep....okay?...bye! I asked him what he did today...absolutely nothing he says!
Well, he sent a letter and he applied to U. Of Ohio..at youngstown. So I gotta go he says....... I asked him if he was in a hurry? He said he was by the phone jack as it was going to run out of power....?? Sigh...is there anything else?
Yeah hurry up and get to bed!
I believe in intuition....I believe in instinct....I believe in that invisible radar......
I really want to believe everthing is okay...but I don't feel that way.
Maybe it's just his depression.
Well writing all this here has helped...I feel a little better...I would like to detach more but am a little unsure of when it's best to do that...I guess when I am away from him would be the best time...and then when I'm with him be more engaged and in the moment.....
Sooo, nothing dramatic just don't feel like we're moving forward very much.. I don't want to rebuild what we had but rather make a new relationship and this seems very hard to do......then again look where we were two months ago!
Okay...off to bed...again... seems like I've been sleeping an awful lot!
Is there any way I can help you convince yourself that feeling yucky is a detriment to clear thinking? You know how sick I was for those 3 weeks, and I was NOT able to have much clarity myself.
I know you would like to start over with Dr. K. It appears that he's more in the rebuilding mode. Is it possible for you to compromise? After all, you ARE a different person now... maybe the time to let him do what he needs to do to feel closer to you while you do what feels right to you?
I'm going to say one thing about the girls in the elevator. Forget about them. Why? In college, there were a few hunky teachers the rest of us drooled over. Most of them did not get into Rs with students (though a few did), but they didn't squelch the attention.
As long as there are attractive teachers and young girls, there will be crushes. Write that off. They were probably disappointed to see a Mrs. K. and a really attractive one. Too bad! Just imagine your Ds and their mocking responses...
So make sure you get yourself well before we head down this path. It's tough to look for good stuff and very easy to focus on the less-than-ideal stuff when you're feeling yucky.
Big hugs.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Exactly right...I want to build something new and he is working on reconstructing the old!
Put into that context, it's a bit easier to think about...
Tell me more about this compromise idea?
I know that the girls in the elevator were just that...girls in the elevator...I think what's bothering me is that he has given the impression to so many that he is single! It bugs me to no end!!!!! But truth is there is nothing I can do about that, now is there and making myself crazy about it does me more harm than good.......
Being sick definitely takes away my mental sharpness...so I will confine myself as much as possible...
Sunday afternoon I called him and just said how about making some plans for today, would he like to come out to the house? No....too many trips(agreed) I asked how about me coming down there? Well, he wants to work out and do laundry"...okay, how about I come down and we can go to church down there for 5, I'll make us dinner and we can watch the game on later at 8. I could stay and go to work in the morning from there? He said:.."good, sounds like a plan"..... So, that's what I did...I was a little late...(I left his b-day card on the table and went back for it!)...
But I did get to go to church, with him...+ and gave him his birthday present+ made us dinner+ (Salmon) and we watched the Steelers/Ravens game+ also interwatched the Martha Stewart/Larry King Interview...had a good time with that! had a good time in general.... ML+ and Slept well!
He suggested I take the jeep to work with me and then bring it back to him at the end of my work,( I don't pay for parking at my building and this helps him too so he doesn't get a ticket) then I headed back to the house by bus.....
Overall things went well. I got over the feeling that he was doing something with someone in the condo on saturday night. He may have done something...because there was new food in the fridge, like walked to the grocery store, but no one had been there. Going to church was good too...we had a nice chat while we walked back to the condo.
Thanks Pam and Betsey,
I'm going to go get some dinner together, have a bit of an appetite back today.
You sound much better today! Glad you're up and about.
Let's go right to this:
Quote: Sunday afternoon I called him and just said how about making some plans for today, would he like to come out to the house? No....too many trips(agreed) I asked how about me coming down there? Well, he wants to work out and do laundry"...okay, how about I come down and we can go to church down there for 5, I'll make us dinner and we can watch the game on later at 8. I could stay and go to work in the morning from there? He said:.."good, sounds like a plan"..... So, that's what I did...I was a little late...(I left his b-day card on the table and went back for it!)...
If this were my conversation with Mr. Wonderful, it would backfire on me completely. This approach would incite the passive-aggressive button and he would have canceled all thoughts of plans with me (after congenially agreeing to all of them).
Perhaps this might be seen by Dr. K. as pursuit or being attached to an outcome?
Glad it worked out well, though.
So what can we do to give you a mental trigger to avoid asking questions where the answers might be perceived as rejection by you?
Hugs and TTYL,
Betsey
p.s. Don't spend another minute worrying about the single image Dr. K. might be projecting or allowing as a misconception. He probably gets a thrill out of the attention. You just make sure he only wants to buy from your store!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
The cloud bank has lifted to 40,000 feet and there is 60% better visibility!
I can see exactly why my approach would not have worked with Mr.W...he would want to be "in control" as it were...so this sort of plan would smack of pursuit and control to him.So he would do something passive aggressive, like set up plans and then cancel! It does run close along that line with Dr. K too because he doesn't want to be controlled either, but he REALLY likes a plan!
...Not one planned too far in advance, but nonetheless a plan... ...He especially likes one where he feels like he has the choice...
The first thing I said was "WOULD YOU like to come out to the house?....(giving him the option of getting out to see everyone and getting OUT of the condo+...(remember last week when he said that I assumed I should stay there instead of asking him what he'd like to do?)
Well I flipped that around on him.
I was ready with a good back-up .... also one where he did not have to put himself out much! I did all the traveling as it were.
Now I definitely ran the risk that he might say no he didn't want to do anything
Frankly, he could have said, "bring the car back on monday on your way to work." !
For some reason, he said, "sounds good".
...Maybe because it gave him his time alone to do his workout. ...He is sick of being alone! ...So having me there to watch the game AND make him dinner was pretty appealing.
I also mentally prepared myself if he did say no. So that I didn't sound desperate when we talked.
I timed my call when I knew he was done watching the morning news show...
When he would be setting himself up for the plan of the day...
No last minute stuff will be coming from me!
When he does that(last minute plans) I almost always flex... I really like spontaneity, but he is not a flexible type person. He likes things laid out and semi-planned in advance!
He almost couldn't say no to my plan....without sounding like a whinney baby....and frankly, like I said...he's lonely and doesn't have enough to fill up his days...what with no work...no class right now...no homework to grade....????
I feel more concerned about him having too much time on his hands but he'll have to manage...he set it up this way!!
But to be sure it does NOT ALWAYS go that well.....I'm not sure if it's how I approach or if it's more dependent on his mood!?
When he has his own agenda...nothing will sway him, he will find a way to do exactly what he wants when he wants to!!
What can we do??????? to give me a mental trigger that will tell me to avoid asking questions where the answer may be perceived as rejection.?????
I would love to be able to do that!!
I'll give it some thought ....if you have a suggestion please.........
With the way I hate rejection and the habit I have of setting myself up for it you might think I'd have a clue on how to do this, but I guess that's the dilemma!!
Hugs right back! Trish
Thanks for the reassurance about the elevator bimbos!! I just need to toss them in the heap with the shark lady..
Monday gave car back to Dr. K about 4:30 after work.... He asked how my day went+ Told me about his day+( he: not much to do) Gave me a big kiss goodbye+ Said he'd call me later+
I felt awkward and didn't know what to say after saying good bye I was just going to walk away and go to the bus?....
Afterwards I thought I should have asked him if he wanted to get a sandwich, he'd been indoors all day!...or come out to the house?! He said he wasn't doing a damm thing all day...so I felt like an idiot for not considering him until after I left, I was too nervous about myself !
oh, well....
Then he didn't call- I figured he had nothing new to talk about and I wasn't too surprised he didn't call...afterall we had seen each other twice that day already+
Tuesday---no call???? He had a DAV meeting that night, but I sort of expected he would call after because the next day is new years...
I was very dissapointed and then started in with the stinkin thinkin!
Told myself to stop with the expectations...make some plans on my own...in case he doesn't want to do anything.
Refused to give into the urge to call him...The ball is more in his court today....I made all the plans for the past weekend...time for him to get in the game as it were...
Thought about e-mailing him....no! Started thinking something was wrong! Felt panicky! Thought about what ever I do do think about what repercussions does it have...
What am I truely trying to get?
Decided to re-read DR. Tuesday spent reading and thinking.
Thought about things from his perspective and he's depressed? Why am I waiting for him to make the first move? I can handle rejection if need be....but he might like to know I find him sweet and irresistible!
Decided I would call him midday wednesday if he hadn't called me by then...
Called and I decided to be up and sweet...asked him how my stud muffin sweetie is? He laughed. Told him I was getting off soon and just wanted to call and see if he'd like to do somehting in town tonight? He said sorry, he didn't want to do anything in town he has never been a downtown crowd type ...I told him don't apologize it's alright! I was just asking..He liked that!!??
He mentioned going put of town maybe...(not realistic, no money!) And then he said he had a couple of steaks thawed...I said is that an invitation? Yeah,he says, come on over...and we'll see about going to this new resort about 40 miles from us, kept talking about us playing craps and blackjack together and how much we like that
We had a great evening! First we talked,showered, ML, made dinner, went to the resort and had a great time...they only have slot machines(he hates them) but we had a great time...he was very affectionate and had his arm around me alot and held hands...I sat on his lap! and we won $150. by the end of the night. Not bad for a $20.investment!
Lots of jokes and good convo, drove home around 12 and we talked the whole way back...he made a joke about me staying at condo or the house...as if! and we both laughed. I started to fall asleep almost as soon as we got to condo...he stayed up and watched tv from bed.... Good morning...very relaxed...made breakfast, read the paper and watched the news, old movies and then
Talked about a plan for the day!!! HURRAYY!!!!!
We agreed I would head back to the house(3 pm now) and when I did go to leave, he made popcorn and kept me talking. ...thanked me for the massage I had given him in the morning. .. and said he would check times for a movie tonight. .....I left a happy camper...we even talked a bit about why he always wants me to leave!!
He feels like he can't work on what he needs to, with me there...something we will need to work on...+
Also got some closure on the car issues( keeping vs. repossession) and what to do about the house and condo...he wants to sell both and get a place in town together! He will talk to building manager tommorow!
All in all a good DB day and 1/2!
He noticed how comfortable I am there at condo...said I was getting comfortable breaking in on his lonliness!
I read a really good book yesterday about mid life crisis... it could companion DR very well....I was actualy looking for books on men and depression....a little divine intervention there!
Guess that's it.... as always I start off thinking I won't write much and then I start a "NOVELLA!!"
...so we drove to another theater.....Now, here's the part I was uncomfortable with:
Trish
