Affair (continued II)

[LearningPatience]

Chris,
sorry about the anxiety, it's tough to deal with.

As far as ADs go, there are several on the market that are generic. You may want to explore some of those if the prozac isn't working. Plus, some ADs also help with anxiety, a two-for-one deal.

Personally, prozac did nothing for me, but everyone responds differently.

[ChrisW]

yea I have been on several over the years and cymbalta seemed to work best. However like I said was nearly $200.00 for a one month supply. So not an option. I am just so worried that I am showing it on my face at home. The forced smile feels a little faked.

[ChrisW]

BTW....I have decided to go out saturday night. I was worried about the money and told W, that spending a hundred bucks for this bachelors party seemed a bit much and didnt think I should do it. She was like no go..I think it will be good for you to go out with some friends. Not sure how to take this, as I really need to go out or get out of my face.

W was also talking about this new side job she is going to be starting. It pays well and she seems to be excited. So I said why dont you try and do it full time. She responed that I would if they offered insurance, but they dont. I say: well we have medical insurance through my job so not really a big deal....W says well I dont know what next year will bring ( or the future will be....something to that effect) and I dont want to get into that now. That hit me hard and I left the room rather quickly so she would not notice the damage. I was watching TV and she came in the room and said stop pouting not what I meant. I say well I took it as you made a choice, and she pauses. W: M? I meant that the state jacks with your insurance yearly and we dont even know if you will be there next year since you are activly seeking a new job. So, I calmed down a bit and changed the subject. The rest of the night seemed smooth.

[awest1217]

My only warning is what you are hearing here a lot. Stop making W take care of you. She is constantly taking care of you and she shouldn't have to. She needs to take care of her because the road ahead for her is going to be very tough. More tough than you can ever imagine because for years she will have moments where she has times of wonder and flash backs of the A so stop making her take care of you and take care of yourself. Then find a way to take care of you.

There are many W's who want to have a job with insurance for more reasons than just D. What if, God forbid, you were to die and she was without health insurance for her and the kids? I understand and it is natural for you to go to the worst case, but she has given you so many good things to look at so stop thinking the worst all the time. Make it a point to everyday write down the best in the day and focus on those all day instead of the negative.

[awest1217]

Chris, I reread what I wrote and I want to explain where it is coming from. At least 4 or 5 times during my R with XH, he would have an EA then when I would find out, he would act a lot like you are. He would act like the victim by saying how he didn't deserve me and always pout and talk about what a horrible person he is. He would promise to never do it again and...well you can read my thread to understand the rest. Reading how you are acting reminds me of him. I never could stay made at him or focus on my pain because I went into caring mode. I didn't like seeing him upset or degrading himself so I would let go of my pain and just focus on him and within a week (the first time now remember I was in highschool) I would be taking care of him. XH learned my vulnerability and by the last one before we got married it took two hours for me to be taking care of him instead of me.

What that did in our R is I resented him and ultimately pushed him away. As soon as a girl came along in our marriage and OW was not the first one...just the first PA, I pushed him away. I went through the normal routine, but I was dead inside.

I am telling you this because you say this will be the only time, and I have no reason to doubt that, but if you don't start taking care of you and then taking care of W it will cause lasting resentment that she may not be aware of until it is too late and years from now you D, and it all comes back to now. I don't want to see you mess up what you truly want to hold together. You need to become self-aware of your actions and reactions all the time and become proactive and also try to become more positive so you can become a better man, never do this again, and help your W have what she needs to heal which right now is not having to worry about you.

[ChrisW]

Awest, Thank you I guess I dont know how to take care of W. Other than giving her space which I have be doing. I do not mention R anymore. I simply did not want to go because of Money and how tight it is. She wanted me to go to get out of the house, since she is working a wedding that night, she will be out of town. I want to go see my friends, but in the back of my mind I know I will be thinking of her. I am sure she is going to think the worst as far as it being a bachelor's party and the activities that occur. I kind of want to avoid that kind of behavior. Especially at such a critically time in this sitch.

I really dont want her to take care of me and I guess I didnt even see it as her being my care taker. I will be more cautious of this in the future. I honestly try and not pout or mope around, sometimes I catch myself doing it and I try and find a way to hide it, or occupy myself

[ChrisW]

I do have a question to run by the group. I have been seeing my personal counselor for a bout 3 or 4 weeks now. She doesnt specialize in couples therapy and told me that she would feel beter refering me out to another counselor who does. Now, my W does not want to got MC because in her words will only tell her how to save the M and right now isnt interested. I thought about making an appt. with MC and going (as a way to learn how to interact with W better more positive manor). Then inviting the W to attend with me. If she goes than she goes if she refuses than she just refuses. My reasoning behind this is to possibly show her that I am commited to saving this M . What do you think ?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I'd change C's go with the recommended one.

I'd ONLY invite my W if she expressed an interest in it; later.

[ChrisW]

Ok will do Jack...thanks!

[25yearsmlc]

Chris,

I went to a pro-m MC and I went by myself for a long time. H eventually met the MC (in order to help him know h, and guide me better) and they got along really well. H met with him 2-4 times and We only went together maybe twice. So go. You can get a lot out of it regardless of whether your w is there as long as you are objective about your description of w's behavior and use her exact words. If you go to mc and tell him your negative thoughts about what she means or thinks, it will fail.

I hope the stuff below are teaching points for you.

BTW....I have decided to go out saturday night.

Thank God. She told you to go and could not have been clearer. Still you wondered how to interpret it negatively and I wanted to go thru my computer to slap you. Knock it off. You really do have a negative spin and it's destructive and weird &incredbily unattractive. She told you pretty much that too. Stop it. Seriously.

I was worried about the money and told W, that spending a hundred bucks for this bachelors party seemed a bit much and didnt think I should do it. She was like no go..I think it will be good for you to go out with some friends. Not sure how to take this, as I really need to go out or get out of my face.

THIS^^^ has to stop. Figure out a way to do it and just STOP it. Good grief. Perfect example of you at a fork in the road and spending energy figuring out how to see it negatively or postively and you go with the negative. Why? IF she feels negative emotions SHE will TELL YOU...isn't that obvious now? You mean she might hide her negatives? Why? Oh b/c you are weak around her and she's afraid of your drama? See the solution to that is still the same. YOU HAVE TO CHANGE THIS BEHAVIOR ASAP...it really is self centered and negative.

W was also talking about this new side job she is going to be starting. It pays well and she seems to be excited. So I said why dont you try and do it full time. She responed that I would if they offered insurance, but they dont. I say: well we have medical insurance through my job so not really a big deal....W says well I dont know what next year will bring ( or the future will be....something to that effect) and I dont want to get into that now. T[b]hat hit me hard and I left the room rather quickly so she would not notice the damage[/b].

Again see the fork in the road. She made at worst, an ambiguous remark and you went with the negative spin and had to leave the room b/c you could not manage to cope better. You just have to. You are making things worse.



I was watching TV and she came in the room and said stop pouting not what I meant.

I hope you are a bit chagrined by this ^^^^. I mean really, do you see how this looks TO HER??? Come on Chris...enough. Tell yourself that, say "ENOUGH" and then get a grip and do something fun-watch comedy- or busy or physically challenging.


I say well I took it as you made a choice, and she pauses. W: M? I meant that the state jacks with your insurance yearly and we dont even know if you will be there next year since you are activly seeking a new job. So, I calmed down a bit and changed the subject. The rest of the night seemed smooth.

You "calmed down a bit"? Why weren't you completely reassured? It means you created the whole drama? There was NO hidden meaning in what she said. At all. You forced her to comfort YOU....

By now I'm sure I've hammered this enough but then again, we've all said this before.

Hopefully you can see your behavior as it is, and change it VERY SOON b/c I think she's already tired of it. I would be.