Well, here's an update....I got to feeling better last night...thank goodness!
Friday (yesterday) in the afternoon, Dr. K called about 5:15 pm and was disappointed I hadn't called him during the day??Like I really felt up to it!!
I was actually surprised because he had left the house on thursday evening (christmas day eve) instead of staying over(He said he forgot to bring his medicine with and needed to go back to the condo)I thought he just wanted to get away from me....being sick and all. He had come over on christmas eve about 7pm and we just sat around. I had just enough energy to go to mass. Nothing great but at least we went...and when I took his hand at the end for a prayer...he just sort of let my fingers drop out of his.
He did make alot of jokes about the priest...He's vietnamese and VERY difficult to hear and understand and it was actually one of the funniest masses I have been to. He messed up so many words that I almost laughed.....when I saw a big word coming we knew he would mangle it! It was fun and the songs were the best part...I love xmas songs!
We sang several together and had eye contact and smiles.
Christmas day he and I just talked and I slept alot. we had a good conversation about the story Dr. K is writing...it's about Us!! and he shared it with Matt and asked for feedback...that went very well...until about 6:30 when the girls and their boyfreinds showed up... They all ate and then I said I wanted to get a fire going but Dr. K wasn't intetrested in doing it. Now I wasn't up to it, but said since this was our last xmas here I really thought it would be nice and I told Dr. K...Then he tried to start on but said I didn't have any starter logs or kindling so we agreed together to nix it.
I was soooo glad I had everything wrapped ahead of time...and the food was ready too, because I was definitely not up to the job with being sick.......Everyone exchanged gifts except for Gabe, he stayed upstairs away from the group because of Dr.K....He will not participate if Dr. K is involved.
The card from Dr. K was great, I cried and we kissed.
He did come down and visit with everyone else before they left...but didn't say a word to Dr. K. Then the girls left one by one and so did Dr. K..
At least this time he waited for them to leave first!!! Thank You GOD!! He seemed sad when he left he didn't look me in the eye...but he called after he got to the condo to let me know he got there safe and sound.
Then here he was calling on Friday after less than 24 hours!
He said how about we go exchange the sneakers he got me for xmas and then to the movies??. I said great but he'd have to come out to the house and get me because I gave the car to Matt for work so he agreed and we checked movie times.....Okay, he came over and picked me up and we exchanged the shoes...and headed down the block for the theater....tickets were sold out for the show ...so we drove to another theater.....Now, here's the part I was uncomfortable with:
Today is Dr. K's birthday...and I felt like I should pay for the movie but he handed me a twenty and told me to jump out and buy tickets......I couldn't even buy the snacks because we had brought our own protien bars and drinks!
Well, no big deal, I rationalized, We'd still celebrate his birthday tommorow.....
After the movie he just headed back to the condo....Now who's assuming!!!
He didn't ask me if I was staying!! Good thing I brought some clean clothes with me!........
We got to the building and we chatted on the elevator with two girls and a woman who were waiting in the lobby....one very young student type said hello to Dr. K, but ignored me......She looked surprised to see me, with him??!!
I know some people might think I imagine this....but I know what I felt....it's sort of this instinctual radar! Now as I have discussed with you all before it's not that I'm insecure about my looks and certainly there is nothing to be jealous of in such a young girl....but there was this feeling like she was not happy seeing me! or something! She obviously knows Dr. K enough to say hello, but her friend didn't......
Who knows, maybe she thought he was Gay and then here I am...or maybe she doesn't like him and was just being snoopy....but the look she shot him when she said hello was very seductive and she looked pissed off at me...she looked cheap and not at all like someone he would be interested in...and see that's the thing....
I don't think he is intetested, but why am I picking up these weird vibes??!! I just dismissed it...what else could I do?
Well, we had a good evening after that....I really like my new sneakers. I jumped around the room a bit .......and we ML...although it wasn't very romantic because of that time of the month....Then he suggested we order a pizza. He was hungry and frankly so was I. So he did, I also didn't pay for this, but I wanted to offer it just seemed out of place......I did ask if he had anough money? He said yes....
After a while I knew I was falling asleep so we kissed goodnight and he put on "Objective Burma" (the CD I bought him a few weeks ago).....and I fell asleep...
I slept really well until 6:30 then I woke up thinking about that girl in the elevator......Something about that interaction is bothering me....If she was just a casual aquaintence she would have been more friendly and not looked so shocked to see me......I'm tryng to tell myself she was drunk or on drugs or maybe she is just a snoop....I don't know.......The other lady that was in the elevator was friendly and chatty and Dr. K told her we had just come from the movies.(This was in the elevator and when he said this there was a quiet pause so I know the girls heard too).....She told us she had just been out seeing the Nutcracker Ballet and the two girls just talked to each other until I started to step out of the elevator and Dr. K said have a good night...and I said "Goodnight!" and she(this young girl) answered me in a mocking tone "Goodnight!"
Anyways, I just smiled and said a cheerful goodnight again.
Well I woke up and started stinkin thinkin...and then couldn't get back to sleep.....finally he got up about 9 and so I did too.....I hugged him and said happy birthday....and asked him what he wanted for breakfast...only a bagel.......
We talked about our son and my job search....I asked what he had on the agenda for today...he said nothing! I was unsure of what to say. I wanted to say well me too, let's decide what we should do today!
He said I guess you are going to take the jeep and head south...I said how about I take you to dinner...No, he didn't want to go out to dinner, he really wanted to just forget it was his birthday!.....
I asked when could I give him his birthday present? He says Well, I can call him later and we can figure it out.
He asked if I thought we should change the sheets? I said how long has it been two weeks? Nooo, he says two months! Now I know it hadn't been because I just changed them two weeks ago...so anyways I made the bed after cleaning a spot off the mattress......Then as I was getting dressed he said," Come on I'll walk you down and mail my letter"...I felt rushed and really wanted to talk about the the day instead!
I had no plans either....and I didn't know how to get through to him that I don't need to be going back to the house....I could have cleaned the apartment, gone and worked out, grocery shopped and then made us dinner.....but instead I am being led out the door.
Now I don't know if it's because he thought I had to go back or if he wanted me to leave or if he didn't even think about it...??????
So, we didn't get to make a plan for the day or even what to do about getting the car back to him!?
He did give me a passionate kiss in the elevator ....
I thanked him for the pizza and the movie...he said it's all part of his bankruptcy plan?!
I feel like we are dating.
Then as I was driving home I thought how stupid this is...we didn't have to be doing our day this way!
But if I call him now he's just going to be interrupted or think I'm foolish for just now trying to get a plan together ...after I'm already home!
I waited all the way until 9 pm and then called him...no answer...only voice mail....it figures...He's either playing mad or playing busy....!!
Now I'm worried he's upset because he's alone on his birthday! and as has happened in the past he's probably resentful that I have both cars and he is alone..... None of the kids has even called him.....
So I left a meessage I would call him back in an hour...
He calls back after 30 minutes and says he got my message..."He was out with Beyonce in her limo and went dancing".......I told him haha....I said maybe he was okay with it, but I felt funny that he was alone on his birthday....I had wanted to take him out for a drink or dinner or something...He said well that would have meant precipitating a plan and we had gotten together the night before, so it was okay.......He was calling because he's going to bed and didn't want to be woken up. He's taking his medicine and going to sleep....okay?...bye! I asked him what he did today...absolutely nothing he says!
Well, he sent a letter and he applied to U. Of Ohio..at youngstown. So I gotta go he says....... I asked him if he was in a hurry? He said he was by the phone jack as it was going to run out of power....?? Sigh...is there anything else?
Yeah hurry up and get to bed!
I believe in intuition....I believe in instinct....I believe in that invisible radar......
I really want to believe everthing is okay...but I don't feel that way.
Maybe it's just his depression.
Well writing all this here has helped...I feel a little better...I would like to detach more but am a little unsure of when it's best to do that...I guess when I am away from him would be the best time...and then when I'm with him be more engaged and in the moment.....
Sooo, nothing dramatic just don't feel like we're moving forward very much.. I don't want to rebuild what we had but rather make a new relationship and this seems very hard to do......then again look where we were two months ago!
Okay...off to bed...again... seems like I've been sleeping an awful lot!
...so we drove to another theater.....Now, here's the part I was uncomfortable with:
