WAW - true or false?

[rh24]

First post! I first bought DB several years ago while trying to work 'solo' to improve my marriage. Got things stabilized, but things were never 'good' since and almost 3 months ago (3rd week of March) my wife dropped the bomb.

I had a lot of frustration and resentment toward her because I've gone to individual counseling - now for the 3rd time in the past 8 years. I admit, I definitely have things to work on - but I really resented her unwillingness to engage in the process as a couple.

There's still a shadow of that resentment under the surface, but at this point I am committed to doing whatever I can do to save our marriage.

Two of my biggest problems have been: 1) The 'fight or flight' response - I would ALWAYS react negatively to any perceived attack or criticism and over the years this really damaged our relationship. The individual therapist I've been working with for 6 months now has helped immensely and I have significantly improved my awareness and handling of these situations, although I'm certainly not perfect. 2) My had a 'faulty belief' that 'Dad working around the house meant he was either 'whipped by mom' or 'avoiding mom', this is due to the pattern with my parents growing up. Along with this, I just realized in April that my wife's #1 'Love Language' is Acts of Service. So for years, every time I neglected doing things around the house she basically took it as me saying "I don't love you." That was a breakthrough realization for me which I have done a major 180 on!

After my wife dropped the bomb, as many do, I fell completely apart - crying, begging, pleading. I got her to go to ONE counseling session with an Imago Therapist, but then she wouldn't go to the 2nd session and that's been it for joint counseling. The day after the one session my wife told me "I never want to have sex with you again." It has been 13.5 months since we last had sex.

After hearing all that, and when she refused to go back for further counseling, I panicked. I called a couple of female friends who are part of married couples we're closest to seeking advice and also hoping for a little support since I know they value marriage. My wife mainly talks to her mom, who divorced her dad right after my wife left home for college; and she talks to her older sister, who hates me pretty much. And the only other person she's 100% open with is her best friend from 'back home'. They all 'support' her, but not in a 'valuing marriage' kind of way!

On April 26th, my wife was at that point highly suspicious that I'd been talking to people 'behind her back' and her distrust of me and feelings of being controlled by me (a MAJOR hot button for her) were at their peak. That morning she told me "I'm pretty much waiting until summer when the kids are out of school to do something (meaning file for separation/divorce).

She indicated she's just not happy and feels like she can't be herself and do what she enjoys doing.

She then talked about how 'secretive' I am and asked if I've been going to my therapist. I said yes that I've been going every week (true). She expressed frustration that I "just don't communicate" and that I should talk to her about the fact that I'm going to my therapist. I very calmly replied, "You know, that was a very specific discussion with my therapist. I said that I wanted to talk to you about my sessions, but my therapist said that is too much about doing it for 'her' when the focus needs to be on doing it for 'me' - and based on that I should NOT initiate a discussion, but that if you were interested and asked about it that I could talk about it. You've never been interested enough to ask, so that's why it hasn't been discussed."

She then said "I talked to (friend) and said that I thought I could tolerate you, but she said 'You shouldn't have to TOLERATE your husband.'" And she also said "You're not a bad person." Which is a MAJOR upgrade from 3 weeks ago when she said "You're just not a nice person."

We were talking a bit about my therapy sessions and I said "I wish I would have some across this therapist years ago and that I could have recognized the things I know now much earlier. I would give anything to never have hurt you." (I said with a very honest tear in my eye). I then said "I have changed, and I continue to work on things and making changes. My hope was that it would be good for OUR relationship, but if it ends up that it just makes the NEXT relationship better, then I guess that's good too."

To which she replied "Great! I get the 13 'bad' years."

I was glad to see the regret/remorse in her face with that - I think it really made her think. IT WAS A HUGELY EMPOWERING, CONFIDENCE BUILDING MOMENT FOR ME...SINCE THAT STATEMENT, THINGS APPEAR TO HAVE SHIFTED SOMEWHAT.

I also at some point said something along the lines of "If you don't like me, then I agree, I don't want to be with you either. I deserve more than that."

I also shared with her my breakthrough in the 'work around the house' faulty belief.

Since that time, I have been focused on 'working on me', being more confident, trying to make being in the house together fun for her and the kids (S12 and D10). Things have been generally positive, I have 'almost' completely backed off my pursuing behaviors - right after the bomb I would hold her in bed at night and be 'clingy'. For 2 months now I have completely stopped any and all 'romantic touching' and stopped saying ILY. I realized we were in a major fuser-isolator pattern and that my pursuit was just pushing her further away so I have 'changed my steps in the dance'. The only 'pursuing' behaviors are that I am trying to engage her in positive verbal discussions, which can be really hard at times - face-to-face goes ok roughly 50-60% of the time. On the phone is always a pain, for some reason she's VERY short with me on the phone - one word answers and quick to hang up, so I've cut that out for the most part for now.

We are still in the same house, still sleeping in the same bed. I know she harbours a TON of resentment toward me. She is a MAJOR Injustice Collector and literally has lists of all my 'injustices'. After getting my head on straight in early April I have addressed those injustices much more constructively as she's raised them a few times - each time I did NOT get defensive as I majorly did in the past (typically going into 'fight' reactivity) and I acknowledged her feelings, admitted my wrongdoing and apologized very sincerely. Mind you, these injustices ARE all valid and I really do wish I could take them back. I just hope I can keep removing the wall between us brick-by-brick.

I keep telling myself, as I've been advised, that it's a marathon, not a sprint.

The one big problem I have right now is that 6 weeks ago she told me "I'm pretty much waiting until school is out to 'do something'." Well, school has been out for almost two weeks now. Based on that comment, I keep thinking "Today is the day she's going to talk to an attorney." It's a real energy drain! Last weekend though she mentioned how a house down the street from us sold quickly and that she'd like to put our house up for sale so we can move into a neighboring school district, which we have talked about doing for a while. To me that's kind of sending a different message from "I'll be talking to an attorney very soon." But I try NOT to 'interpret' and just take things at face value.

Lastly, a few times a week, my wife gets on my personal laptop when I'm not home and checks my Facebook account and FB messages, and my personal email (inbox and sent). I know this from checking my browser history and I can see what's been accessed and when. I feel like she doesn't trust me (that's pretty obvious), but I wonder if there's an opportunity for a positive discussion to come out of this if I confront her?

Anyway - I know - TOO LONG OF A POST! I just wanted to get perspective...IS she a WAW? Or just REALLY on the verge of becoming one? I feel like she has some kind of 'master plan' as I know she's talked a ton with her mom and sister about getting a divorce and she has some certain things that she wants to happen to make it possible, like she wants her mom to move to our area from out of state and she wants to change jobs.

In part due to my 'moderate panic' over the fact that should could be going to an attorney any day, I started phone coaching with Dotty on Monday - just an FYI.

I just don't know if I'm doing THE BEST THING right now, or if I should be doing anything else. I don't know if I should engage her in any discussions or ask if she'd like to participate in relationship coaching. We live close enough that we could probably swing a 90 minute session with Michele in Boulder, but my wife would throw up a roadblock over the cost for sure - she used that as a major excuse against couples counseling.

Thoughts? Guidance?