This was an email exchange (me first, then spouse) before going dark/LRT.
I received your message. Thank you for attempting to let your intentions known. Some things come to mind in and around your comments; first, when you filed, several times you would say. "I'm following my attorney's advice or that's not what my lawyer said," etc. Now, that I have one, your stance has changed. Is it because someone is looking out for my best interest? No, I did not want to have attorney's take over and my actions to reconcile reflect that statement. I am still trying to mend us even after you filed. Doesn't that speak volumes for my love and commitment to our family? Most people would have run for the hills when they got that freedom, packed their bags, and started a new life. Yet, here I am for you..
Why would/should I cooperate when i do not want divorce? I appreciate your desire to be civil, but it is hard, when you tell me I'm impossible to communicate with, don't contribute to the family because of rollercoaster finances, the father and person comments, hide behind caring for the kids, jealous of your income, and on and on. Can you see how that puts ME down? It cuts both ways. All the while, I tell you how proud I am of you, how nice and pretty you are, how great of a mom you are, random acts of kindness with flowers, coffee, friendly emails offering my help. But when I say one thing that contends with you, you jump all over me, why? Please pay attention to your words, as well, because they do hurt and I will do the same.
I continue to pour my heart out to you and our kids for all the right reasons. I am fighting for our marriage and our children's best interest..the attorney is fighting for my life! Don't you see the difference? Divorce is a trap for many years of pain, especially kids. I'm not perfect and have apologized many times for my failures and have made a lot of changes but you won't let me love you to discover how genuine it really is and that's heartbreaking.
We deserve the time and love it takes to work through this. There are countless marriages out there that make it through the depths of despair and become some of the strongest marriages around as a result. I believe this is the ultimate test of our love to each other. And I'm in the middle to doing a 180, but it takes time.
Spouse- Yes, when first filed I was very overwhelmed by the legal language and those were my attorney's words/advice. I will not from here on out use her to hide behind. I will answer for myself. I will file motions, etc. that I request and believe represent the best interest of the kids and me. I will not allow her to make decisions without my input, and if ever that should happen, I will address and correct that immediately. I apologize for using her to hide behind at the initial step; I will not do that again. I hope you will agree to move forward with the same behavior. My stance has not changed because you now have an attorney. When I initially filed I hoped, not necessarily believed, but hoped we still may have a chance. The situation has since proven that it is apparent that there is no longer hope for this marriage to work.
I will continue to work through the divorce in an up-front manner. I am trying very hard to be fair with decision making. I am trying very hard to be nice. It is nearly impossible to do so when you continue to try to repair the marriage as opposed to working through the divorce. When you ask me direct questions that have answers that are difficult to hear, I am honest. The truth hurts you, but I am honest about my feelings. You ask why I don't want counseling and marriage repair? The answer to that question is going to hurt. There is no nice way of explaining why a person wants a divorce.
You ask why you should cooperate? Because it's the right thing to do. Fighting over issues where there is an obvious responsibility on your part further frustrates the situation. It definitely does not show me that you are the changed, reasonable, giving, thoughtful person you are claiming to be. It supports what I've known and it supports the need for this divorce.
I see you feel that I put you down. I never bring up insulting comments. When you ask pointed questions, again, sometimes my truthful answer is hurtful. If you don't want to hear a hurtful response, stop asking me personal questions like why don't you want counseling.
Instead of the randon acts of kindness, direct answers to questions and reasonable responsed that stay on task would be more appreciated. Committing to have the kids with specific times in advance is thoughtful and shows that you respect me and my time. When I try to get a committment from you, you continue to be vague. For example, when you say you'll pick up the kids "sometime in the afternoon" this is not helpful. Saying between 2-2:15, is helpful. If you want to show kindness and respect toward me, please be more specific in regards to the pick up and drop off times. Of course the gestures of coffee and flowers are kind, but for me (not necessarily all women, but for me) it's the common courtesies that make a difference.
I will pay attention to my words. Going forward if you ask me a question that begs for a hurtful response, I'll simply say that I'm choosing not to respond to that question.
I, too, want the kids' best interest. Last night's conversation had nothing to do with the kids; it was about a cell phone and auto insurance. Let's keep our eyes on the conversations at hand so the emotions don't take over.
This divorce is not a trap for our kids. I will not allow that to happen. They are extremely happy and are not struggling because of this. If you and I choose to fight it through, I guess you could say it could be a trap. I choose not to let that happen to me. I am not preparing myself for a fight. I am preparing for a solution. I do see a big difference. As you always say, it's a mindset. My mindset is that we can do this amicably. I hope you can share that mindset with me. I am trying to help us communicate and find common ground as parents, not as a married couple.
