I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

I get in to work today and the email from STBXW is waiting. She will go to court on Friday. In three days it'll be over.

And all the energy seemed to go from my body.

I was really dragging last night and I asked myself why.

I don't want to be single again. I didn't really enjoy it when I was single. Much of it is an image thing. The times I was by myself I felt like a loser. I felt like the skinny little boy, with the unkempt hair and buck teeth who had to make new friends in Oklahoma, Kentucky and Illinois again.

Objectively, if I look at my significant relationships I did really well. My two high school girlfriends were beautiful and smart. My college girlfriend was beautiful and smart and the lady I dated before STBXW was beautiful and smart -- she just had a drinking problem.

But I hated the times in between, and I've been dreading it. Invariably, when someone learns of my sitch they ask if I'm seeing someone, which brings all of those feelings back.

I've been able to shield myself emotionally because, you know, well, we're still married. But that ends Friday. No more excuses. At that point I am single, and I'll be alone.

Deep down I do not mind being alone. I can spend or save money as I please. I can work out when I want. I can deal with my girls the way I want. I have friends to go golfing with, play cards, play softball, hit the bars with.

There is so much that is freeing.

But still when I think that I'm alone I think others are judging me. I feel shame. I wonder what is wrong with me.

You know nothing in the divorce process has been as bad as I feared it would be -- and perhaps being single again won't be as bad as I'm fearing right now.

That day comes Friday and then we'll know for sure.