AC, your W may be any combination of the 4 possibilities you mentioned, and the frustrating thing is that you can't do anything about it. She will do what she pleases, and act how she pleases.
You're trying to push a rope up a hill. Can't do it; won't work. We have to let our W's walk this path by themselves, and we have to walk our own path. If those paths merge at some point, wonderful. If not, we still have to keep moving.
OK, that sounds pretty trite as I re-read it, but I believe it to be true..
It's going to take everything inside you to walk into the house like you are on top of the world. Not fake bravado, but quiet confidence. Disarm any attitude she may have with your calmness, kindness and confidence.
You can do this. It will get easier.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
