I am so lost... Please someone help me!

[Johnnieno1]

Thank you again for your insight,  I appreciate your view 25yearsmlc, because its like I am getting my wife's perspective (even though she internalized that and will not communicate it).   Also, thank you FaithnAK, It is good to know that you know my "headspace" and have proven that change is possible, it is VERY encouraging.  Every day I am becoming to realize things that I could not see before.  In my eyes when my wife dropped bomb 1 and 2, I could not understand "why she was going crazy".  But as I read more in this forum and travel down my path of self discovery, I am beginning to see what I have done in the past that has contributed to our breakdown.  I am encouraged by my 4 "positive" days.  I have the day off today and when I told my W last night that I would be home tomorrow, I didn't hear the usual negative "Oh grreeaat" , she actually didn't seem to be angry and almost happy that I was going to be home, how encouraging.  My wife is showing a more positive mood and that gives me hope.  I am also starting to notice how my mood and my interaction affects her.  Thank god we are finally getting nice weather up here in the north.  We have had an especially heavy rainfall this spring which made us all cranky.  Now that the weather is on my side, I can use the outside to my advantage to give us both space when we need it.  I love to sit outside on my patio swing and read the DB forums and Journalize on my Ipad.  It is REALLY helpful in maintaining my mood.

It occurred to me yesterday, that I can use (strategic exercise) to keep things moving in a positive direction.  Here is what I mean... I noticed that my wife is in a great mood after her exercising at the gym (endorphin high), and that I too am on an endorphin high, after I exercise.  I generally exercise first thing in the morning before work at the company gym.  It helps me start the day on the right foot.  The thing is... the exercise high is gone by the time I get home after 8 hours of stressful work, and in fact has been replaced by me being wound up tighter than a swiss watch.  So... I am going to modify my exercise schedule to include some aerobic exercise (bike, ball with the kids, etc.) while my wife is at the gym.  This will help me to be especially happy around her (it's just easier with that brain chemistry assisting).   I expect to get my AM books today and will start that education with me and my daughter.  I think we both (D 6yrs) can work together To keep each other on track.  Sometimes it's nice to have someone with you on your path of self enlightenment, and I love spending time with her, she is her Daddys little girl for sure.

So far this morning my W is in a good mood again and I am too... Let's keep that going...