Betsey....I know what you mean about taking the kids shopping....seems like a risky proposition these days, so many crazies out there and the busy stores are a trap of visual blindspots.....We've had our share of scares over the years...two to be exact....and each time it was a turn the wrong way and just losing site for the briefest of seconds..like counting to one!!
Luckily both times were happy endings and even D24 (then 12) was relieved. We got seperated and couldn't find each other...I don't know who was more upset her...or me...!!!
Dr. K was always practically paranoid about the kids safety and this served us well over the years....he was very vigilant and forced me to be the same....but there just seem to be too many unhappy endings out there....going to the mall used to be an activity for our young teens....I would drive them and pick them up form the local mall....but I wouldn't let them do this until they were in high school....junior high schoolers just don't have enough awareness yet....and I also nixed groups...one or two girlfriends okay, but more than that and the lines get too muddled...too many voices...too many directions and too many changes they start to lose track of each other.... I don't envy any parent today...and even now I still pray for the safty of my kids even at their ages!
Please never feel bad about saying no! to your D's...listen to your gut!
Okay...some journaling on the last few days......:
Thursday when Dr.K finally nixed the xmas party I just said "oh, too bad"...he said "not really, he didn't like the restaurant and didn't want to crash another DAV chapter's party". I said what about we get together Friday anyways and I make us Halibut?? (his fav) at the condo...I'd call before coming down and he'll meet me at the door??... I called friday... he didn't want halibut.....how about pizza....great!
Good: I Got there ( ON TIME!!) Hurray!
Apparently bad: I brought my overnight gym bag with to the door....
He said "Did you just assume you were staying?"
"Actually yes. I did."
(You see on Monday night when I had called on impulse and he'd said come up and I ended up staying overnight..... I had left my bag in the car and we had had to walk, in the cold, three blocks to go get it so this time I brought it with me! ....but he was upset that I had assumed...
He said," Well, maybe I wanted to stay out at the house? Did you think to ask me?"
"No, I hadn't that's a good point"...I felt so awkward then that I turned and I said I would just leave...he said "no, get back in the elevator"....
I apologized again in the condo and he gave me a hug and said it's okay, he wanted to have sex all night!!"
But I felt his disappointment about my assumption.
I still felt awkward and said I realized he hated that I had assumed and I said that to him. He seemd to hear me and wasn't mad just sort of sad??.
I asked again in a few minutes if maybe after dinner he wanted to, we could go out to the house????"
"No, you're was staying, that was decided."
He made several refererences to when I was to leave tommorow that I can take the movies back. ..they have to be back by Noon. Already planning on the time for me to go.....
Very rocky start...
Good stuff: WE made pizza and watched a couple of movies he had rented....ML, and then tried to watch Letterman. I couldn't keep my eyes open!
He kissed me goodnight and tucked me in!
Bad: I had a very fitful night's sleep...I felt like I was imposing on him.....He kept turning and tossing and pulling away after I would touch him all night long.( Now honestly this may be related to my time of the month, he tends to stay back a little more. At these times. He doesn't want to get too interested if he can't finish or if I don't feel like it.) Bad: He didn't re-approach me for any more ML...
At 7 am the alarm went off
I got up and started to dress, obviously he wanted me to leave.....He set the alarm for 7 am on a saturday!
He asked where I was going...I said I was getting out of his hair....he said that didn't sound good?......I said it didn't feel good ......he said he didn't set the alarm.....that that was from the other morning....oh, when I(trish) had to get up on tueday??....yes......okay......well do you want me stay?.....okay with me....that's not what I asked.....Yes, I want you to stay....okay...so I crawled back into bed....and we snuggled.
We sleep two more hours....
He's going to make coffee...
Okay, I'll make breakfast......then we can talk about xmas....before I leave to take back the movies..
Our talk during breakfast went very well....at the time I didn't feel like it went well, I was so nervous and wary.
We talked about out xmas plans, but more importantly about the fact that I am not the best "facilitator" using his term and that I wanted to see what I could do to make this xmas what he was talking about...
He explained himself and I asked for his help+...he made several suggestions and it was a good interaction.
Then we talked about the bankruptcy and the fact that what this really gets down to is our living arrangement....Now I didn't word it that way...but that's what it comes to.
I told him I know it's an adjustment, but that we can do it...if we maybe get some help? and are sensitive to the fact that it's an adjustment.....
I didn't react too much to anything he said.+..it's obvious that he is nervous about this, the reconcilliation and how it's going to work logistically.
I did say I trusted him but that this whole thing leaves ME very vulnerable ...He did NOT like this!.."Well then get a better paying job so you can feel not so vulnerable."
"What did he expect? That I would be able to pay all the bills and the mortgage at Greenridge??"
Anyways, I regretted making the issue more about me..... He definitely got defensive...saying " I was depending on him. If you had a better job you could mange yourself.???"
He mentioned some places to go and apply for a new job.We talked about the job I have now for awhile. He feels I am underemployed and should have my own healthcare plan... and then we changed subjects back to xmas plans...
Then I made a POINT of saying I was leaving but I had a few things to say first.( I wanted to leave on a positive note.) I snuggled up and looked him right in the eye..
....first..I think we should pat ourselves on the back because we've been able to discuss some hard issues and remain calm and not get upset....
Second, how about he comes out to the house for church and dinner tommorow and he can stay over...(extending the invite) (He said very good idea, very good idea...)
Then he says...looking ME right in the eye: "You know this will be the last xmas at "Greenridge" (our house, let's make it rich".
I saw the tear in his eye and it hit me like a ton of bricks! I started to cry.....I was so surprised at my own reaction! He probably thought I was crying about this but actually I realized quickly that there will be other xmas's this is not THE END!
He was either testing me to see how attached I am to keeping the house or else concerned about this attachment to the house for himself?
I was crying a bit but I didn't have the poise of mind to say to him I wasn't all THAT upset.
This was not how I wanted to leave....so I just stopped crying.
He leaned in real close gave me a hug and kiss and said talk with you later....
Then I made another mistake....I thought I was feeling okay but I asked him what he was doing tonight(sat)??. I immediately realized this was wrong....and he said he didn't know. I recovered and said "yes you do, you always do!"...he said again No, he was going through through the stack of stuff and just didn't know yet....????? Oh well, okay( lite and breezy) I'm going...
Anyways, big hug and kiss and then he walked me to the door and watched me get on elevator, waved at me while I went...
I spent the afternoon feeling not so good about our time together and mostly going over my mistakes, and wondering why after 28 years am I having trouble sleeping with him??.
Was upset that he probably went somewhere tonight.... but determined not to call, to give him space...he called at 10:45...
Talked for 30 minutes ...He told me how good it was to talk to me today! He said it especially helped us know what we are doing!! then revised that to: helping HIM know what to do!!
Thanked me for making breakfast and doing his dishes, running the dishwasher....
Talked about my job sitch some more....he told me how I was under appreciated and undervalued..
He asked if the jeep had looked okay when I left this morning?? no tickets?? Because he hadn't been anywhere all day and hadn't been down to check.....??!!
I had the urge to go down and look at the jeep!!!! How did he know I was questioning that he was going somewhere?? What's making me sad here is I believe he is covering his ass...like he knows if he brings it up...I wouldn't question it....he tells me he didn't go anywhere.
Maybe he's trying to reassure me???? It seemd too convenient that he brought that up.
We made our plans for today, he's going to work out then come out to the house..
He told me He Loves Me.
I said that was felt good to hear and I loved him too.
All in all I am feeling a bit more positive since his call last night....He seems to be doing some reassurring...and being fairly clear about what he's feeling...also not limiting me too much about the insecurities I'm feeling...this situation doesn't lend itself to security now does it!
"Dr. Phil" says we have to make our envoronment healthy for our relationship and I really want to do this. It doesn't seem like we are getting there!! It will be at least three months or more before we will know where he will be getting a position and the in between is not good for fostering a close relationship.
Famous Undie lesson: Let's see if I can put a positive spin on this: It will give us time to clear out what we want to take and what we want to get rid of....it will give the sons a bit of time to get situated...it will give us time for some counceling before living together full time....it will help us get rid of the house on a timely way....
Okay, THAT is all!!
On with my day
GOAL:
I will take his hand in church and say a pray together!
Betsey, Betsey!! almost forgot!! In the elevator...he noticed my earrings!!! hahahah!!
Said are those the ones you were wearing at the game??!!!!
"Look very nice" "I sent a picture to my buddie(old buddie) from the ship(old ship!!hahah), the one with you, me and D21 and you were wearing those in the picture!"
Wow, what a post! I read this twice, and both times I agreed with myself that Dr. K. does love you and care about you.
And I'm so glad you wrote those positives! They are exactly what I would have pointed out, so I'm thrilled that you did it by yourself, without my urging! You did a great job!
It sounds like Dr. K. doesn't like assumptions. What can you do to be more direct with him so he can give you answers? I see the spiral because when he calls you on it, you feel bad about yourself and retreat.
Trish, what would happen if you decided that whatever he chose wasn't anything personal and a no didn't mean a personal rejection? Would you be more inclined to let him refuse to do things your way?
You know that I'm not throwing stones because I live in this glass house too.
I just see the similarities between these men!
I see your interactions as immense progress, friend. You realize that you have to iron this stuff out so you can go smoothly from here. Mr. Wonderful and I have already had a chance to address the stuff you're doing in MC last summer... and it was yucky but necessary.
You going over to Pam's to help her get organized? Sounds like a good volunteer job for some nervous energy!
Pam, BTW, you did a fantastic job this weekend. I'm proud of you!
Now I have to run to a sales meeting and then I'll come back and journal in my own thread. Not much to say, but there is "something".
Take care and make it a great day! Hugs.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Whew suddenly very tired so I will make this a quickie...
Gotta take a nap and recover.
Dr. K did come over yesterday but DIDN"T go to church with me He called at 2 said he got up at 10 and did paper work and still needed to go workout then was going to church in town at 5!!
I was very disappointed as I had asked him to come out here to go WITH me...He said He wasn't in charge of my expectations. I should have made it clearer.
Of course that's true.....It is childish of me...on the other hand if I had tried to pin him down he would have avoided that too??
Anyways, I realized what I needed was reassurance and he has been giving that to me all weekend...so I just relaxed and hoped he would still come out for dinner....
He did and he stayed the night....we watched movies and went to bed together.+ S23 just made himself invisible all evening and D21 was sorta bored, made us popcorn and sat at the computer while we watched.
Slept better together, but I still got to wondering what is up? No deliberate touching, just turning and repositioning all night, no sexual advances, finally when I went to get up he smiled and said good morning... ...and wanted me to do everything.....Okay, what the heck...leave em smilin' right?
I let him sleep in and left...........Forgot I left DR right next to the bed on his side!!!!!!!!!Absolutely panicked!!! What could I do...I just prayed maybe he wouldn't see it??
He'll just pass it off anyways....he probably wouldn't take the time to look it over very thoroughly.
I called him at noon as pre-arranged....my friends party cancelled tonight....host got ill.
Dr. K is good with that, his foot is hurting him and he says he isn't up for it anyways....gonna talk later....
Thanks for all the encouragement Betsey. It helps soooo much to have a second opinion on this stuff...objectivity is near impossible to acheive. You're soo right he HATES assumptions. He likes things to be clear up front (even thought HE likes to be vague!)
If I can view this as not personal...Yes, it is much easier to let go of wanting... When I thought of him doing the things he said he had to do( papers, working out, because he hadn't for two days, etc.........then it made much sense that he couldn't possibly make it out to the house for church with me. At least he was going!!!+ and he said he would be there in spirit, that maybe we could double team it??!!( I don't know quite what he meant? ...
When he called at 6:20 to say he was running late ..I was just cheerful and relaxed, happy that he was coming...( honest moment here: I drove downtown to see the Jeep( while he was working out.......it hadn't been moved in two days! it was right where it had been. He had done exactly as he had said he did. I know I can't always get that kind of affirmation but I talked to God about it before I went. This situation has not been fostering trust and if that's what I needed...he said go ahead!...."I'm workin' on him! You just go see"...so I did!!
Please don't think I'm crazy!! This sort of checking is something I would have NEVER done before....I could almost feel God chuckling at me...I have always been way too trusting and accepting of Dr. K's behavior and I think this is actually a 180 for me...not to be so naive.
Yucky stuff, but all so nessesary..
I'm on my way to Pam's after my nap!! I'll organize her til she can't find a thing! Pam did do a great job this weekend!!!WTGGF!!
I don't think you're crazy at all. Now do you feel what it's like to trust? I'm thinking that little voice that told you to check should serve as a good reminder.
Detach, detach, detach!
Maybe now is the time to set some goals with your communications with Dr. K.? Re-read your last few posts and I think you'll get them.
Trish, there is no need to recreate what you had with him before. So I'll head into uncharted territory with you. It's time to leave the past where it belongs--the past.
You're going to do fine. Just remember that he noticed your earrings!
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I'm taking D9 (and her friend and mom) to see Oklahoma tonight. Damn, I'm going to be missing Gordon McRae... I told my mom this the other night and she chuckled. She told me she had a huge crush on Gordon when she was younger and actually had made a scrapbook about him.
I asked her what happened to it and she figures my Gmom had dumped it after she had left home... Had forgotten about it until we discussed him. Ha!
I'm still in my nightgown so I guess I should go get into some clothes. Since I got home late last night (uh, this morning), I am feeling pretty lazy.
Big hugs.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
....but he was upset that I had assumed... 
...He told me how good it was to talk to me today! He said it especially helped us know what we are doing!! 
Famous Undie lesson: 
...and wanted me to do everything.....Okay, what the heck...leave em smilin' right?