my heart is breaking

[kermitdfrog]

My original post is under the "Surviving the big D" listed as "I need fast info" in case anyone wants to read the posts up till now. But basically, the situation is this:

My husband and I have been married almost 28 years and have a daughter, 24, and a son, 21. We had our issues, but basically had a solid, happy marriage. Or so I thought.
My husband came to me last summer and told me he didn't want to be married anymore. He said I had been disrespectful, controlling, spent too much money, etc. Basically, there was some truth to those things, and I did a ton of work on myself and really turned my behavior around. Then in September he admitted that he had a brief affair in the spring but ended it and felt horrible about it. But he insisted it was the result of his unhappiness in the marriage, not the cause. But he agreed to work on things. He also was having trouble getting contracts (he is self employed as an independent management consultant) and money was tight. Lots of stress. But I did all the begging, pleading, crying, bugging him about the affair. It was wrong but I was hurting so bad.He moved out in December and stays with his mom. We started marriage counseling in February but by April he was done. He filed for divorce three weeks ago.
I am just having so much trouble accepting this. He says he has been codependent. He says he was trying to fit into a mold and now has found himself. This is a man who has always been so moral, a Christian, a family man. We always have been a close family of four. Our friends envied our marriage. I feel like a lot of it is his job, and a midlife crisis. He spends a lot of time working for clients, and networking to get new ones. It keeps him away from home a lot, but he could always be trusted. I never felt I had to worry. He was the LAST man in the world to have an affair. He also is turning his work focus onto the inner city. He is trying to redevelop the schools, community, etc. He calls it his "ministry" and doesn't think I could be a part of it. I feel it is a great effort, and I would support it. But I feel this "save the world" but turn your back on your family mentality is so typical of a midlife crisis.
So my problem is, that I want to fight like hell for my marriage, and I don't know what else to do. He says he loves me but we are unhealthy together. (He networks with a lot of people in his business circles, including the woman he had the affair with, who are into psychobabble and buzz words like "synergy" and I think they have educated him on codependency, because his phrases are textbook. I need to add that most of them are divorced and their lives are their careers. Our daughter calls them a cult)
People tell me to move on, but I think divorce is permanent. A death. And I feel like this is so wrong. And, like I mentioned, he tells me he loves me. We have a lot of fun together. We raised the two most wonderful kids. Even our religious and political views are the same. He just says he was burned over a period of time and finally snapped and disconnected. I am willing to work to do whatever is necessary to save our marriage. 28 years of history is worth fighting for. He is afraid to go back. But when he comes over to mow the lawn, etc, he still refers to it as "home". He also takes me out to dinner. He occasionally calls me "babe". My DB coach says these are behaviors that show some uncertainty on his part. Like maybe he isn't sure about the divorce. But yet he is going through with it. My lawyer says his behavior is unusual. I am trying all the DB methods but am just having such a hard time. Our kids are heartbroken and won't speak to him. They say this man is not their father, We will have to sell the house we raised our kids in. I am scared that I cannot support myself, even with alimony, because my job is so low paying. Divorce will cost a lot of money, and money is already a stress on us.

Why is he doing this??? And am I crazy to try so hard? Any other ideas or encouragement? I love this man with everything in me. This is draining the life out of me...

[AloneAt35]

Kermit,

I am so sorry to read your situation. I can't offer advice, since I'm relatively new to this, but I can offer my empathy for the extreme pain your are in right now. I truly understand. There is no pain like this.

I can also tell you that although your situation feels hopeless, I honestly believe (after reading many similar situations) that your husband is conflicted and may eventually come to his senses. You have time, please don't panic. Even divorce is not truly "the end". (I read that 14% of couples who divorce eventually remarry one another - a figure that astounded me.) I am in a much more dire situation. I was in a 19 1/2 year committed domestic partnership when my beloved partner said he "didn't love me enough" and ended it. Three days later he met a woman on the internet and now - less than THREE MONTHS (!) later - he has purchased her a new house and is planning on marrying her.

Like my partner, it seems that your husband has seemingly changed over night, he is no longer the responsible, decent, family man you knew, and he is determined to go on some slash and burn midlife quest that he legitimizes as a 'ministry'. To him, doing what he wants is the only thing that matters right now...the feelings of others, and "right and wrong" no longer figure in his daily decisions.

You are not wrong to try so hard! Believe me, if you didn't try with all of your heart, someday you very well might regret it. Listen to your lawyer, lawyers see hundreds of divorces in their careers and they know how estranged couples behave. Your husband truly does seem to be conflicted/confused. Trying is the righteous thing to do.

Sometimes I question the righteousness of my small hope in my partner. I have never interfered with his new relationship, but I refuse to display anger, resentment, or any other behaviors that would further alienate him from me and push him closer to the OW. I act as a friend - because he was my BEST FRIEND for nearly 20 years. Can you keep up a friendship with your husband even though he doesn't deserve it right now?

[25yearsmlc]

My husband came to me last summer and told me he didn't want to be married anymore.[b][b] He said I had been disrespectful, controlling, spent too much money, e[/b]tc.[/b] Basically, there was some truth to those things, and I did a ton of work on myself and really turned my behavior around.

so you do know why, or at least what he SAYS are the reasons...


in September he admitted that he had a brief affair in the spring but ended it and felt horrible about it. But he insisted it was the result of his unhappiness in the marriage, not the cause. ....

Not unusual^^^ It keeps them from facing their shame. Guilt usually converts into blame/anger. That is why it's NOT helpful to make them see your pain or to tell them they are being wrong/selfish/immoral...it backfires every time.


But I did all the begging, pleading, crying, bugging him about the affair. It was wrong but I was hurting so bad.He moved out in December and stays with his mom. ... He filed for divorce three weeks ago.

So you KNOW this behavior does Not work...you KNOW this...


I am just having so much trouble accepting this. He says he has been codependent. ...

You agreed he was ^^^^ co-dependent. And the way you are acting now, is as if that's still true. So You are fueling his negative view. Do you understand what I'm telling you?

This is a man who has always been so moral, a Christian, a family man. We always have been a close family of four. Our friends envied our marriage. I feel like a lot of it is his job, and a midlife crisis.

But you also know some of it is the relationship itself. And all you can do anything about, is you.

So my problem is, that I want to fight like hell for my marriage, and I don't know what else to do.

Yes you do know what to do. You just don't want to do it.



People tell me to move on, but I think divorce is permanent. A death. And I feel like this is so wrong. ....


We know you think this. Your h knows. This doesn't help you. It paralyzes you to keep labelling him as wrong. It's as if you want to be told you are "right" but you need to be concerned with being happy, instead.

He just says he was burned over a period of time and finally snapped and disconnected. I am willing to work to do whatever is necessary to save our marriage. 28 years of history is worth fighting for. He is afraid to go back.

^^^ BINGO....he's afraid you are still the way you were...and you are mostly feeding that belief. Do you understand what I'm telling you?


. I am trying all the DB methods but am just having such a hard time.

What DB methods have you tried? I honestly don't know any except some GAL.

The DB methods have to be consistent, and over time. Not a few days or weeks. You have to realize a more realistic time line.

I am scared that I cannot support myself, even with alimony, because my job is so low paying. Divorce will cost a lot of money, and money is already a stress on us.[/b]

Your fears ^^^^ are again controlling you. What does your lawyer say? Information is power and you need to get info so you can feel less out of control.

[b]
Why is he doing this???


B/C he feels co-dependent, controlled, burnt out, and all the other reasons he gave you, and some that he's not aware of or admitting.


And am I crazy to try so hard?


No offense but how are you trying so hard? You don't do the detaching or any 180s that I know of. You are Not DBing...you are panicking and freaking out and that's NOT DBing...you must settle down and calm yourself.
[color:#FF0000]
If your marriage was half as good as you say it once was, and I bet it was, then you must TRUST that in time, with your consistent new behaviors, & giving him space, then the good memories will re-surface.


Any other ideas or encouragement?

See the advice that has been given to you and from your DB coach, and follow it. Follow it for longer than you have, and don't backslide.

This is draining the life out of me...

I know the pain you feel is deep and horrible. Been there, done that.


It will consume you if you let it. Then you will become bitter, and you will drain the life out of everyone around you. I know, I began to do that myself.


I told everyone I met that my h was leaving, and I repeated myself, & our marital history to anyone who'd listen. Naturally the marital history was my version and I was the victim, with some "minor" issues to fix in me. I became a "Swirling Vortex Of Negativity." (aka SVON). I kept saying it was unfair and selfish of h to do this, (and it was unfair and it was selfish, but so what? It was real, and I had to get a life and a plan and do what worked to help!) I kept doing what did not work.

My sister finally got through to me and told me how I was NOT being present for my children, and that I was not helping myself or my cause, and that my anger and pain was consuming ME...


I began to let go. Fact is, You have to let go of your pain, if you want to be happy. People who are miserable are NOT attractive. Sorry but it's true. And sometimes, "faking it til you make it" is what you have to do. Gimmicky at times, but I swear it helps.


Simple, really. Hard, but not complicated. It's the cornerstone of DBing...doing what works for your m, and less of what does not work. No more discussions of childhood and analyzing why we felt bad when we turned 30 or chose our first career, etc. Those issues may need to be addressed but we are solution based here...what's working and what's not? Your behavior is mostly NOT...so stop doing it.


The answers are within you and in here...You have to CHANGE.

Otherwise, you do what you've always done b/c it's what you've always done, so you'll get what you've been getting....

[Queen_of_Swords]

Dear KermitdFrog,
I am where you are, just a little further up the road.
Listen to what 25yearsmlc has written.
Please remember this: What your H is going through has really very little to do with you. It's mostly about him.
If what he's told you stings, then there is likely some truth to his criticisms. These you CAN work on, but you must do it on your own.
For now, forget him. Live your life on YOUR terms. Perhaps he will come back, perhaps he won't but at least you'll have built a life that nourishes you, sustains you and you've created your own happiness.

[toughlover]

Hey I think the previous comments make a lot of sense.

I was also cheated on, by my wife, and I saw something above that I just wanted to remark on...the comment that he says he cheated because of his unhappiness in the marriage...and of course he also seems to be saying that he was unhappy because of you...so it sounds to me like he's trying to soften his decision a bit and making you somewhat responsible for it. Cheating spouses often do that. However, while we all have to accept some level of responsibility for the condition of our marriage, he still made a vow, a commitment to you and he broke it. That's not your fault; it was a wrong and poor decision on his part. A lot of us are unhappy in our marriages and have never cheated...even if we wanted to or had opportunities.

So...it's good that you want to take responsibility for any negative behaviors on your part that affected the quality of the marriage, and we all should do that. However, that's enough of a burden to carry and sort out. I hope and pray you won't let him or anyone else blame you for their poor choices.

[25yearsmlc]

toughlover,

no one is blaming her for his A...it's about what we CAN do to change things...she cannot change the past.


She cannot change what HE did. She can only focus on her own behavior and internal feelings.

And the more self righteous we get with our WASs, the faster they'll flee.



It does not help to condemn. In fact, if an LBSer cannot forgive, then the m will end up being miserable for both of them.




And if the WAS THINKS the LBSer won't forgive, the WAS won't bother trying.


If the LBSer wants a reconciliation, then The LBSer has to keep the road home, paved and smooth. (make sense?)


I'm sorry your w had an A. That really [censored]. But marriages can survive it IF both partners want it to.

[toughlover]

This is what I'm referring to:

"Then in September he admitted that he had a brief affair in the spring but ended it and felt horrible about it. But he insisted it was the result of his unhappiness in the marriage, not the cause."

My point is that his adultery was the result of his choice...unhappiness in marriage doesn't force people to cheat...they still choose to do what they know is wrong.

[25yearsmlc]

TL,

Understood.


But she needs to figure out what SHE is going to do now.

She's not as focussed on the A as much as the pending divorce.

She wants a plan, and it's important she have a plan of ACTION, internal (attitude) and external (behavior).

[kermitdfrog]

Do you ever get over the shock???

It has been 11 months (July)since my husband first told me he no longer wanted to be married to me. Of course, things came in waves (Sept. I found out about the affair. Dec. he moved out,April said he wanted a divorce, May filed) You would think I would have accepted things by now, but I find myself, 100 times a day, saying to myself "What? He's doing WHAT?? Seriously? Not MY husband!" Some of that is because I had NO idea it was coming. None. He never once said he was unhappy before. And some of it, I think, is that until he said he wanted a divorce for sure, he came home every weekend and we went out, maintained a physical relationship, and he called me every night and we prayed together. Since the divorce decision, we have only talked/seen each other for reasons. (mostly- he did call a few times just to talk) But he does take me to dinner sometimes. But, basically, before the divorce decision, we acted like two married people who didn't live together.(of course, there was the tension and stress from the marriage issues) But I just can't believe he really wants me gone from his life. It just seems so weird.

Last weekend he came home to turn on our sprinkler system for the summer, and to get some papers to me for the divorce, and to take me to dinner. I told him I wanted to not talk about the D while dealing with the paperwork, because it hurts too much. Like the deed for the house. I remember how excited we were when we built our house 22 years ago. We had a toddler, and dreams of another child and a bright future as a family. And now this... Anyway, we handled that, and then went to dinner. We again had a really nice time. He couldn't stay long because his mom, who he stays with, is 90 and has been having health problems, so in recent weeks he has become a caregiver. So, anyway, he took me home, and came in. He always gives me a long hug, and a kiss, and....I basically seduced him. Never done that before in my life. But it really wasn't difficult. He said, a couple times, that he really needed to get back to his mom. But he didn't leave :-) Anyway, afterwords, he left and I am now left wondering...was that a mistake? It really is confusing me. I didn't regret it at all, but I don't know if it was a setback or a good thing. It was risky, because I think it would have killed me if he rejected me.

So he ordered some books for a client that came to our house, and he emailed me this morning to see if I would take them to him. Um,...no. I made him pick them up from my work place. I won't rearrange my life for him.

What really bugs me is he is ignoring our kids, too. I had mentioned last week in an email that our son was going to the doctor. He never asked why, or is he ok, or anything. Today I told him he has bronchitis. He didn't even seem phased. I know he loves our kids, and was always very close to them, but he seems to have just drifted from his life.

Now it appears his mom is going into a nursing home soon. I am upset because now he will have her house to himself, at least till they sell it. But then he will have to get his own place, and this will all become so REAL. Plus, without his mom there to take care of, he will be free. To have a social life without me. To date. I hope not, because we are still married. But it worries me. I know it shouldn't and that is the reason behind detaching, but I have a hard time letting go. Giving up control, although I never really had any. But it just seems that by letting go, I will cause him to drift away and I'll lose him forever. How can I make him see changes if I don't see him? My DB coach said that, although I shouldn't pursue him, it is ok to occasionally set up situations to see him. But, man is this hard. When I'm with him it reminds me of how much I love him and enjoy him. Why does he feel like we aren't good together? I swear this is a MLC. I hope he wakes up before we go through with the D.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Yes, you do get over the shock.
Getting over the anger, and the feelings of rejection and worthlessness is a lot harder.
Forgiveness, that's harder still and takes a while as it's a process and you really need to grieve the loss of so many things.
You will walk the same path we all have here if you choose to.
Choose to for you.