my heart is breaking

[25yearsmlc]

My husband came to me last summer and told me he didn't want to be married anymore.[b][b] He said I had been disrespectful, controlling, spent too much money, e[/b]tc.[/b] Basically, there was some truth to those things, and I did a ton of work on myself and really turned my behavior around.

so you do know why, or at least what he SAYS are the reasons...


in September he admitted that he had a brief affair in the spring but ended it and felt horrible about it. But he insisted it was the result of his unhappiness in the marriage, not the cause. ....

Not unusual^^^ It keeps them from facing their shame. Guilt usually converts into blame/anger. That is why it's NOT helpful to make them see your pain or to tell them they are being wrong/selfish/immoral...it backfires every time.


But I did all the begging, pleading, crying, bugging him about the affair. It was wrong but I was hurting so bad.He moved out in December and stays with his mom. ... He filed for divorce three weeks ago.

So you KNOW this behavior does Not work...you KNOW this...


I am just having so much trouble accepting this. He says he has been codependent. ...

You agreed he was ^^^^ co-dependent. And the way you are acting now, is as if that's still true. So You are fueling his negative view. Do you understand what I'm telling you?

This is a man who has always been so moral, a Christian, a family man. We always have been a close family of four. Our friends envied our marriage. I feel like a lot of it is his job, and a midlife crisis.

But you also know some of it is the relationship itself. And all you can do anything about, is you.

So my problem is, that I want to fight like hell for my marriage, and I don't know what else to do.

Yes you do know what to do. You just don't want to do it.



People tell me to move on, but I think divorce is permanent. A death. And I feel like this is so wrong. ....


We know you think this. Your h knows. This doesn't help you. It paralyzes you to keep labelling him as wrong. It's as if you want to be told you are "right" but you need to be concerned with being happy, instead.

He just says he was burned over a period of time and finally snapped and disconnected. I am willing to work to do whatever is necessary to save our marriage. 28 years of history is worth fighting for. He is afraid to go back.

^^^ BINGO....he's afraid you are still the way you were...and you are mostly feeding that belief. Do you understand what I'm telling you?


. I am trying all the DB methods but am just having such a hard time.

What DB methods have you tried? I honestly don't know any except some GAL.

The DB methods have to be consistent, and over time. Not a few days or weeks. You have to realize a more realistic time line.

I am scared that I cannot support myself, even with alimony, because my job is so low paying. Divorce will cost a lot of money, and money is already a stress on us.[/b]

Your fears ^^^^ are again controlling you. What does your lawyer say? Information is power and you need to get info so you can feel less out of control.

[b]
Why is he doing this???


B/C he feels co-dependent, controlled, burnt out, and all the other reasons he gave you, and some that he's not aware of or admitting.


And am I crazy to try so hard?


No offense but how are you trying so hard? You don't do the detaching or any 180s that I know of. You are Not DBing...you are panicking and freaking out and that's NOT DBing...you must settle down and calm yourself.
[color:#FF0000]
If your marriage was half as good as you say it once was, and I bet it was, then you must TRUST that in time, with your consistent new behaviors, & giving him space, then the good memories will re-surface.


Any other ideas or encouragement?

See the advice that has been given to you and from your DB coach, and follow it. Follow it for longer than you have, and don't backslide.

This is draining the life out of me...

I know the pain you feel is deep and horrible. Been there, done that.


It will consume you if you let it. Then you will become bitter, and you will drain the life out of everyone around you. I know, I began to do that myself.


I told everyone I met that my h was leaving, and I repeated myself, & our marital history to anyone who'd listen. Naturally the marital history was my version and I was the victim, with some "minor" issues to fix in me. I became a "Swirling Vortex Of Negativity." (aka SVON). I kept saying it was unfair and selfish of h to do this, (and it was unfair and it was selfish, but so what? It was real, and I had to get a life and a plan and do what worked to help!) I kept doing what did not work.

My sister finally got through to me and told me how I was NOT being present for my children, and that I was not helping myself or my cause, and that my anger and pain was consuming ME...


I began to let go. Fact is, You have to let go of your pain, if you want to be happy. People who are miserable are NOT attractive. Sorry but it's true. And sometimes, "faking it til you make it" is what you have to do. Gimmicky at times, but I swear it helps.


Simple, really. Hard, but not complicated. It's the cornerstone of DBing...doing what works for your m, and less of what does not work. No more discussions of childhood and analyzing why we felt bad when we turned 30 or chose our first career, etc. Those issues may need to be addressed but we are solution based here...what's working and what's not? Your behavior is mostly NOT...so stop doing it.


The answers are within you and in here...You have to CHANGE.

Otherwise, you do what you've always done b/c it's what you've always done, so you'll get what you've been getting....