Thanks, guys! I try to positive. I've already been at rock bottom and there's really nowhere to go but up. For anyone who is reading this and feels devastated by their M and the things that have occurred in their relationship - you can get back up! There's a life to be lived, even though it might feel craptastic today, life really does keep moving along and you'll be happy again. Trust me, I was on the bathroom floor, all snot-faced and weeping, completely devastated and wandering around in a fog for weeks after things went south in my M, but here I am today, happy to be me and wouldn't trade my life for anything in the world.
So, back to my sitch. I went dark for a few hours yesterday and H went bananas. We had a bit of a breakthrough in that he opened up his mouth and started talking. So, I found out a few things:
1.) He let me read the texts and emails and visit his profiles. They were dated several months ago around the time that he left me. And in them, he was actually telling the chick that he wasn't over me and couldn't hook up with her. In my haste to not read his crap, I missed all of that. So, all of this stuff was from the initial period where he left in October.
2.) He told me that he is not over me and doesn't think he ever will be, that he doesn't want either of us to see other people and that he wants to continue to work on the R. He told me that he's been working toward his personal goal of getting back in my good graces with the intention of moving back in with me in October when I move. None of this did he bother to share with me, mind you.
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So, I told him I would also like to work on our marriage, but I will not do it without the following:
1.) Counseling. He was in IC, but stopped a few months ago. He needs to work on his issues and we need to figure out how to communicate more effectively.
2.) Transparency. No hidden accounts, etc. Facebook official, or nothing at all.
3.) Acceptance. I told him, you married a fat chick and so your wife is fat. If I lose weight or don't lose weight, you need to be okay with who I am and support goes a long bit further than judgment ever has.
So, I'm gonna stick to my guns. GAL, no pursuing, but I will respond to being pursued and I will be open to reconciliation if he can stick to the boundaries I've established. And I still won't make any major decisions until October.
I'll keep you all posted.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Wow-our situations sound similar. I am still being "monitored" so this may not post for a while but my H has had similar issues about my weight (apparently, although my BMI has been in the normal range for years I have not applied myself to reach 135 lbs as was my original goal when we met), and he still seizes on to the issue that I have tried multiple ways to do it but have not done it "his way" to ensure success.
Now I am super thin and he is angry-angry that I couldn't do it before. I think I blew it last week-because of financial reasons I had to have a R talk and it was a disaster. Ended up validating, letting him speak about his trust issues with our finances and pouring himself into me and my issues all of this year-all to find that he is renewing his lease. I even said "ILY" repeatedly, hoping to reach him. I finally acknowledged to him that I realize our marriage is hopeless and I understand why he feels the way he feels.
So all of my GALs(weight loss, soccer player, going out more, etc)-although cheered and recognized....was a bit applauded as too little too late. I recovered nicely and last weekend (my daughter casey's 3rd birthday), I quietly made plans to do mother-daughter things and to avoid the whole birthday party/family thing. I think my H was surprised. I proactively cleaned out his closet and during a child exchange, mentioned to him that he might need his summer shirts and he should take them with them. I also packed up the rest of the closet!
Because of my job, I have to be out of town for the next 3 days so H has to stay here...have to admit I am super nervous since I don't want him to be snooping in the office while I am gone. But nothing can be done about that. I have been going dark (which seems to be working best) but is hard to do with child exchange. I make a point to be positive, happy, and act "as if" but keep the conversations short and business like. He has been trying to initiate conversation but I make a point to end the exchanges first.
During our last conversation, I received a mild threat-he tried to get me to agree to NOT use an attorney if I decided to move forward with divorce proceedings. In the past, he has been able to manage me with reasoning and Australian charm, so for me to say "I can't say that I will do that" was a first for me. I have called my attorney and-well-I have an appointment for the week of June 20th. I have to say this may be my big LRT. He has emphasized that he cannot get his feelings back, that the trust and his dreams of Australian property (living on the beach for 6 months of the year) are gone and that he wants to be my friend and go and do brunch once in a while.....I am working full time, taking care of the kids, traveling for work, paying all of the bills for the house and kids-and I am tired. He works as a part-time tennis coach and is only trying to support himself right now. Hope I haven't seen the attorney by the time I get some replies!
So, I thought I would update anyone interested on my sitch while we all wait for Denver to post his update
Spoke with H at length over the last five days. I do not initiate R talks at all any more, haven't in some time. I let him lead the convo. May 1st seems to be a pivotal day for him. It was the day he opened up his own business at my place of employment. And it seems to be the day that he officially recommitted to the R. He's being attentive. He's being communicative. He's being warm, staring at me at odd times, smiling a lot more, lots of touches and affection and even towing the line at my no-sex rule (granted, it's only been 5 days, but that might be a record for us He admitted that he really thought the grass would be greener, but he has realized that it is not.
I told him that I don't know if I will be ready for him to move back in in October. I said that we need to let things play out and see where we stand then. I know many people want their S home by any means necessary, but I don't want the old him back. I want an improved version and I guess I am still uncertain about whether his changes can/will be sustained. There's no way of knowing, either, except to give it time. So, I guess that's where I am right now.
There does seem to be an exchange of power that occurs once the WAS realizes the error of their ways. in a lot of ways, I read through some of the men's threads and am reminded of my H, all of the mistakes he's made and how he's been over the last few months, as if he really is trying to work on the M. Sometimes, I feel like the WAW, even though he's the one who left.
At any rate, I am feeling fantastic. I've accomplished a lot this year and I am planning to do a lot more, including a trip to New Orleans in October for a book signing/writer's conference and I am officially going to Paris in May with my niece.
Words of encouragement are much appreciated and I will continue to keep everyone posted!
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
One thing that has stood out to me since u started posting was your inner strength and clarity of thought. It does not diminish your hurt and the pain you feel but instead of sitting around soaking in misery, which is what I did, you have taken charge of your sitch and your life.
As a result your H appears to be looking in the mirror although the final product is yet to be seen.
The most important part is you recognize it.
To tell him you need time is a powerful weapon because the control is beginning to shift.
Any reconciliation based on desperate feelings is doomed to fail and that is what I see happen over and over again. In an attempt to stop the pain couples want to try again, before they have had the chance to experience growth and feel the lost.
It works as much on your timetable as it does his.
I am starting to feel like you are. My H has been initiating contact, calling me and checking in (sending pictures of the kids, sending a thank you text for arranging all of the babysitting while I was out of town) and today was a big day for me-the day I sat down with the Dave Ramsey financial counselor. We ran through my budget and during the conversation I caught myself saying things like "H never liked that I spent this on my hair and nails, even though it was for professional upkeep-he thought it was a waste" and other comments like how I had been handling the budget. He listened to me thoughtfully and chimed in that it didn't matter what H thought anymore because he was no longer in control of the finances-I was. And I had nothing to prove to him. He leaned over and said emphatically, "keep every hair appointment, make yourself feel good, and keep on track with your budget-you deserve it!"
I never realized how much I wanted to please my H with everything-my weight, the money, what a hard worker I was, etc. What he thought and his approval (which in turn impacted what I thought about myself and my subsequent actions) was my world. NOW-I realize how far I have to go but I have come a long way. I have started to realize that there is a life, a great life if I want it, with my two beautiful children and my family and that I am beginning to be the WAS-I don't know if H offered to come back right now if I could-and would-take him back no questions asked. I have made so many changes and I can see some positive growth with him as well. But I am not ready to assume the responsibility of his financial well being, his identity, or future happiness. I CAN'T MAKE HIM HAPPY-HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN.
Today I realized-I am happy no matter what. I applaud you TG-you are amazing and such a role model to me. I was thrilled to hear that you did not jump at the chance to automatically take him back but wanted to take things slowly. That is when you have a chance to see that the changes (on both sides) are for real and then you really have a chance at true happiness.
So, I thought I would update anyone interested on my sitch while we all wait for Denver to post his update
...He's being attentive. He's being communicative. He's being warm, staring at me at odd times, smiling a lot more, lots of touches and affection and even towing the line at my no-sex rule (granted, it's only been 5 days, but that might be a record for us What's the "no sex rule" or for how long? Do you know?
He admitted that he really thought the grass would be greener, but he has realized that it is not. I told him that I don't know if I will be ready for him to move back in in October. I said that we need to let things play out and see where we stand then. I know many people want their S home by any means necessary, but I don't want the old him back. I want an improved version and I guess I am still uncertain about whether his changes can/will be sustained. There's no way of knowing, either, except to give it time. So, I guess that's where I am right now. There does seem to be an exchange of power that occurs once the WAS realizes the error of their ways. .....Sometimes, I feel like the WAW, even though he's the one who left. In hindsight, the couples who DO reconcile, have had this ^^^ exact situation happen. I totally had that experience, as did every successful reconciliation I can think of...absolutely. Good insight!! TAKE IT SLOW...OMG, THE WAY TO BLOW IT IS BY RUSHING BACK INTO THE SAME OLD...
At any rate, I am feeling fantastic. I've accomplished a lot this year and I am planning to do a lot more, including a trip to New Orleans in October for a book signing/writer's conference and I am officially going to Paris in May with my niece.
Words of encouragement are much appreciated and I will continue to keep everyone posted!
You feel fantastic for a lot of reasons. Including how empowered you are, b/c you empowered yourself.
Good for you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
H came over after work and was being incredibly sweet. He never says, "I miss you" and he said it yesterday. We had seen each other 3-4 times throughout the day at work, but we were both pretty busy and there wasn't much time to stop and talk. I told him that he had seen me multiple times throughout the day and he said , "Barely!"
Then, he put the moves on me and what can I say? I am weak when it comes to this.
So, I don't know what that means. How do you take things slow when you can't control your hormones? This, I haven't mastered and I have serious doubts of whether I will master it in my lifetime.
But we do start C next week Tuesday and he did agree to retrouvaille in August, so we shall see.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
