....As for the list I need to be careful to make them goals for the two of us rather than a list of demands. If she refuses to even work on them. Then I don't think I want to stay with her. As long as my demands are not unreasonable as you said, why would I not want someone that wants to work at making me happy.
....I have been asking myself why can't I be happy. Why can't I have demands and needs. Don't want to be M to someone who does not care about my needs.
...I have come to realize that there is a difference between a good natured man, and a submissive one. A good natured man has sensitive qualities, but does not sacrifice his edge for it.
As for the goals I am going to approach them by saying that they are important to me, and that I don't thing things would work out if we dont work them. I know she will try an excuse to change the subject, and avoid the issue but I must stay strong.
I think that goal setting with you wife is a wonderful idea, in the right context. I would suggest that it be done and negotiated with a therapist or that a preliminary set be drawn up and taken to a marriage weekend with one of the marriage workshop groups. I think that you are correct in that it could quickly degenerate into a "set of demands" or a power play. Your wife from what you have posted is into her MLC rebellion mode, so keep that in mind, especially if she goes off the deep end.
As to your needs and your demands. Your needs are what GAL is all about. But your needs as a husband also include the needs of your family (the cave dwellers you protect). Since you are in theory no longer a Nice Guy, you shouldn't be needy, although that is a hard feeling to let go off, but it is part of the price of being a "man."
Once your wife starts to understand the 5 languages of love and make sure you feel loved in your LL then you will get that void you are feeling filled.
There is an incredible difference between a good natured man and a submissive man. The book NMMNG is all about men raised by women to defer to women and their authority at the expense of their masculinity. I think that "centered and integrated men" do things to make themselves happy, proud and complete and the women who are lucky enough to be in their lives make them feel loved and take pride in the accomplishments of their spouse. It will happen to you (maybe with your wife if she is willing to change).
While I think it is important for you to develop goals for yourself as part of your GAL, you developing goals for the two of you, is in my opinion a bit premature.
Let me give you a few "vows" that I made to myself as part of my GAL while I was in an SSM.
[list] [*]By xxxxx date, I will be in a loving relationship and having sex x times a week, even if it means that I divorce my wife and find someone else.
[*]I will not have sex with my wife if she uses it to hurt me emotionally or that my wife uses as a weapon against me.
[*]I will provide my wife with love and I will support any changes she tries to make to help rebuild our marriage.
[*]I will insiste that we go to a sex therapist and will work with my wife and the therapist to try to save our marriage
[*]I will continue to read and study relationship books so I learn more about relationships so I can be a better husband and father, even it ends up being a better husband for a new wife.
[*]I will regularly remind myself that I am responsible for my own happiness and I am not dependent on others for my happiness.
[*]by xxxx date, I will have run my first half marathon
[*]By xxx date I will sign up for another major organized distance run
[*]I will loose xx pounds every yy months until I reach a weight of zzz pounds
[*]I will do things with old friends who I have let slip away
[*]I will take up mountain climbing and hiking that I dropped out of 30 years ago
[*]I will find time to be with my children and connect to them so that I am part of their life
[*]In addition to loosing weight, I will start taking better care of my health so I can have a long happy life.
[*]I shall travel more (hopefully with my wife) and enjoy the world around me
[*]I will take some college/professional courses without my wife that include men and women to broaden the type of people I know and communicate with.
I am not sure that the above are the best goals, but they were some of mine and I ultimately shared them with my wife in therapy. She was very frightened by the timetable, but understood (through my actions) that I was changing and had changed dramatically and was had promised myself that certain things were going to happen. She also understood that she could change and be part of my future or watch me change and leave her. It was totally her choice. The therapist we saw made it clear that my wife had a choice, but she also was going to live with her choice.
Good luck to you, you probably can think of a better set of GAL goals, but I would focus them mostly on you and things that you have some control over and not on things that your wife has control over. To me GAL is about changing myself for the better and finding knowledge and happiness and allowing that change to be a role model for my wife to let her know that change is possible.
GB you have the added problem of a wife with an MLC. I just had a very angry wife, who was deeply angry at me. My wife knew who she was and what she wanted out of life and luckily part of what she deeply wanted was me.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
