I am starting to feel like you are. My H has been initiating contact, calling me and checking in (sending pictures of the kids, sending a thank you text for arranging all of the babysitting while I was out of town) and today was a big day for me-the day I sat down with the Dave Ramsey financial counselor. We ran through my budget and during the conversation I caught myself saying things like "H never liked that I spent this on my hair and nails, even though it was for professional upkeep-he thought it was a waste" and other comments like how I had been handling the budget. He listened to me thoughtfully and chimed in that it didn't matter what H thought anymore because he was no longer in control of the finances-I was. And I had nothing to prove to him. He leaned over and said emphatically, "keep every hair appointment, make yourself feel good, and keep on track with your budget-you deserve it!"
I never realized how much I wanted to please my H with everything-my weight, the money, what a hard worker I was, etc. What he thought and his approval (which in turn impacted what I thought about myself and my subsequent actions) was my world. NOW-I realize how far I have to go but I have come a long way. I have started to realize that there is a life, a great life if I want it, with my two beautiful children and my family and that I am beginning to be the WAS-I don't know if H offered to come back right now if I could-and would-take him back no questions asked. I have made so many changes and I can see some positive growth with him as well. But I am not ready to assume the responsibility of his financial well being, his identity, or future happiness. I CAN'T MAKE HIM HAPPY-HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN.
Today I realized-I am happy no matter what. I applaud you TG-you are amazing and such a role model to me. I was thrilled to hear that you did not jump at the chance to automatically take him back but wanted to take things slowly. That is when you have a chance to see that the changes (on both sides) are for real and then you really have a chance at true happiness.
