I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[whatisis]

In seven days she'll divorce you, simple as that. It's nice that you listened to her and didn't advise. The better the R you have with her, as divorced parents, the better for your kids. Just think of it that way.

[ClingingToHope]

Sigh.

It's hot here and D12 texts me asking me if they can come swimming. It's not my weekend so this is bonus time for me.

So STBXW comes over with them and asks if she can stay.

So the girls and I swim for 90 minutes and STBXW watches from the side.

Six days from now is the final court appearance and we'll be divorced.

I guess letting her sit there is cake eating. But the kids had a great time and that's all that's really important. I know this felt bizarre to me. I don't know what's going on in her head.

[kat727]

Sadly you will probably never know. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. I was angry at ex for a long time. I still don't agree with what he did, he hurt us all. For the kids though, I treat him like the mailman. There is some sort of truce going on. Peace can be a good thing.

Kat

[ClingingToHope]

Peace has never been the problem. This is what STBXW has wanted for two years. She wants us to be these casual friends where the kids come and go freely and we share time and stuff. Like neighbors.

I don't want that really. I want it all or nothing, but there are kids involved, and I'm trying to simplify my life. I just want to live without anger and fear. If I'm not afraid, I won't be angry. If I'm not angry I won't be bitter.

So if the girls want to go swimming and STBXW wants to stay and watch, it would be petty of me to say no.

Of course, deep down, all kinds of other motives play a part. In February 2009, when she finally point blank said she wanted a divorce and was certain, she also said "a little part of" her thought she was making the biggest mistake of her life.

I believe that too, but she won't realize it until I let go of the anger and bitterness. And I also look good. I've been working out all winter. Who knows what my answer would have been if I had put on 30 pounds.

It's just hard because the more time we spend together the more my brain won't let go.

[ClingingToHope]

Woke up feeling anxious. This is the last week of school. I am on vacation next week with the girls. I am worried about whether we'll get to work in Chicago this weekend and earn $350 that I was banking on. And on Friday, it's D-Day.

I actually dreamed about meeting my L to talk about it. I haven't had a divorce related dream like that yet.

I wonder if I'll fee free Friday night. All my friends are happy for me. Or just crushed. I am not mad about it anymore. Just sad.

[ClingingToHope]

Day went OK. Couple of work softball games. A little bit of swimming with D8. D12 was in one of her pre-teen/teen moods.

Worked briefly.

Good news on the part-time work. We will get to work this weekend and they need people three days. My boss gave me Friday off so I'll make $525.

That will really, really, really come in handy for the summer.

It also means I will be out of town and CAN'T come to the final court date on Friday.

I sent STBXW an email saying I'd be gone working, so she'd have to get the girls on last day of school and go to court.

Maybe it's a bit of a cop out, but I am glad I do not have to decide on Friday if I was going to court. A big part of me never wanted to step foot in court and I'll accomplish that. A small part of me wanted to be there, to hear one last time that she wanted a divorce.

After second company softball game -- we have morning and night teams that play on Mondays -- I gave a coworker a ride home. He's counseling another worker who's getting divorced and he asked how my girls were doing.

He said the kids in every divorced couple he knows are screwed up.

I told him we haven't fought even once over the girls. She wants it to be easy between us and it's taken me two years to get around to that. She's said some things to them that upset me and she's rewritten history and certain points, but we haven't had many disagreements over them.

I told him I'm just trying to let go of my need for approval from others. I've always worried about what others think of me and when my image is being threatened, that's when I get angry and I just have a simple goal -- to live without anger.

I'm not angry now. I'm just sad. I know I'm going to be sad on Friday.

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling.

L emailed me asking if STBXW has said she will be there Friday. I'd let him know I wouldn't be and he wants to make sure someone will be there to wrap up the case.

I still don't like actively taking part in the process and now I'm basically having to make sure STBXW is going.

The settlement money may be transferred over to me before the week is out. I'm going to leave it at STBXW's pension company until I need it for a house. That could be a few years. We'll start working on automatically having the CS taken from my check next week so that I no longer have to send her money.

It'll be nice not having to write that check, although it means my check every two weeks will be tiny. I have nine years and two months of child support.

Thank God for the side jobs. I just put $154 in my account today from the blog writing job I'm doing for my sister.

I am feeling a bit better about summer now that I know I'll be working this weekend and picking up another $525.

I hope once this is over my energy at work picks up at my regular job. I have a lot of stories piling up on me.

[ClingingToHope]

STBXW texted me about some D8 school issues. I responded so she called and I picked up. Had a five minute conversation and -- I can't help it -- I listened for any sign of "well, maybe."

None of that. She was telling me how unhappy D8 was about a number of things and one of the issues is where she sleeps at my house. So STBXW started asking about the sleeping arrangements and what she told her.

And I could feel the anger rising. D8 was depressed about like six things and STBXW dwelled on one thing in my house. I wanted to tell her to focus on issues at her house and I'll focus on issues at mine, but I didn't say anything.

When it was over I wondered why I was so upset. And it boils down again to fear. I fear she'll never admit she was wrong to divorce me. I fear that she was correct -- and not just rewriting history -- when she said she never loved me. I fear if that's the case then all the happy memories I have are a mirage and that I'm unlovable and will always be alone. I fear that the mean things said in my childhood are true.

Wow. It's hard to let go those childhood insults. That saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me" is absolute garbage. You heal from sticks and stones, but doubts from name calling seem to be with you always.

[mishka422]

You heal from sticks and stones, but doubts from name calling seem to be with you always.

Sadly true. We all have them and have to battle past those demons. Look at your accomplishments and try to gain strength over those names from them.

[ClingingToHope]

I get in to work today and the email from STBXW is waiting. She will go to court on Friday. In three days it'll be over.

And all the energy seemed to go from my body.

I was really dragging last night and I asked myself why.

I don't want to be single again. I didn't really enjoy it when I was single. Much of it is an image thing. The times I was by myself I felt like a loser. I felt like the skinny little boy, with the unkempt hair and buck teeth who had to make new friends in Oklahoma, Kentucky and Illinois again.

Objectively, if I look at my significant relationships I did really well. My two high school girlfriends were beautiful and smart. My college girlfriend was beautiful and smart and the lady I dated before STBXW was beautiful and smart -- she just had a drinking problem.

But I hated the times in between, and I've been dreading it. Invariably, when someone learns of my sitch they ask if I'm seeing someone, which brings all of those feelings back.

I've been able to shield myself emotionally because, you know, well, we're still married. But that ends Friday. No more excuses. At that point I am single, and I'll be alone.

Deep down I do not mind being alone. I can spend or save money as I please. I can work out when I want. I can deal with my girls the way I want. I have friends to go golfing with, play cards, play softball, hit the bars with.

There is so much that is freeing.

But still when I think that I'm alone I think others are judging me. I feel shame. I wonder what is wrong with me.

You know nothing in the divorce process has been as bad as I feared it would be -- and perhaps being single again won't be as bad as I'm fearing right now.

That day comes Friday and then we'll know for sure.