Haha LN...well it would be really cool if my marriage didn't tank
As far as saving marriages...if I knew how to do that, I would've done it.
Like you said...DB works, so do that...ideally, don't wait until your marriage [censored] and your kids are hurting to do it. Because, again, I think DB can work because it's essentially taking the character and principles of what it means to be a decent, reasonably well-adjusted and strong individual and adapting it specifically to a situation where one or both spouses has failed to do that. And that's great because, no matter what happens, you're still probably better off. So what I'm trying to tell and telegraph to my kids is, Become an independent strong person with good values and a life, be realistic about your strengths and weaknesses, then when you meet someone who cares for you and wants the same general kind of life, you probably have a good shot. Make sure your values line up, you can work together on money, raising kids, etc. You're still going to screw up, make mistakes, and get things wrong, so to bridge all those gaps you still need to be with someone who understands the part of love that is a commitment, about the need to forgive, and the need to admit when you're wrong.
It's what premarital counseling is supposed to help clue you in on. And if you're too young, or haven't gotten to the point that you really know what you need and want, then you're probably not ready.
This will probably be taken the wrong way, but I don't think any individual can save a marriage any more than someone can "make" a flower grow. I think we can create the right environment, give it everything it needs to grow, protect it as much as is reasonable and realistic from threats.
The way we do that is by having a life first, learning how to make the right decisions without getting carried away by our emotions. I mean, romance is a fun and important part, I think, of a strong relationship/marriage...but it's not some kind of metaphysical reality that insures that "two people were meant to be together." And, of course, we have to make the best choices from the beginning...especially when it comes to dating people and even considering getting into a relationship with someone.
As I get older, not necessarily wiser, and especially as i watch my older son and his friends date, and some of my friends do the same thing, I see a lot of people choosing to be with others for what I would consider the wrong reasons...convenience, insecurity, apathy, etc. We tend to be really strongly driven by insecurities and other things that, especially in the US where our culture is so narcissistic to the point of discouraging rational introspection (as per Socrates: Know thyself) in order to cultivate an almost Pavlovian response to buy something (a pill, an iPad, a car, whatever) to make us just feel better, that it takes us forever to just grow up. A writer I like a lot, Thomas McGuane, says that we in the US attempt to prolong adolescence to the threshold of senility. We make too many of our decisions like teenagers.
But in the end it's the choices we make on a daily basis and our ability to be able to look and think critically about those choices. I think people who are truly successful in marriage simply GAL and get strong in themselves first, and then they are ready to commit. The problem with many or most of us in our troubled marriages is that one or both spouses haven't done that, and haven't learned to be realistic about themselves, what they really want, and whether they're really ready for something so important as committing to another person for life and creating a stable, healthy relationship where not only the marriage but a family can grow and thrive in love, security, patience, kindness, etc., just like a flower growing and thriving in the right environment. No guarantees, of course, because we're human beings and really make choices day by day, even sometimes minute by minute, that can throw a wrench in the works...but, just like with our pretty flower, if the right environment can be created first, then whatever we put there has the best chance there is of becoming what it is supposed to be.
In the end, it's not magic. It's about growing up and becoming a strong individual who can think for oneself, and committing to another strong individual that has your best interests at heart and can grow with you.
Since most of us didn't do that...or didn't keep doing it, for some reason, we find ourselves here. I certainly have made my share of mistakes but think that over the last few years I've done a fairly decent job of whipping myself into shape. Unfortunately, my wife has not responded to it like I hoped she would. When I first came here in 06, on the heels of her ending her long-term adulterous relationship, I was a total wreck mentally and emotionally. The stuff I learned here, which was pretty consistent with what my counselor was telling me, got me headed in the right direction. And it was hard as hell at first. Scary too because everything I was was wrapped up in her acceptance or rejection of me...and our R didn't start like that, but that was where I ended up. With the help of this place, friends, family, and my counselor, I feel very fortunate to at least be in the frame of mind I'm in these days...and also very thankful that I was able to get back on track with the kids in '06 and share so many great moments and times with them, experiences I, and we, would never have had if I remained on the emotional rollercoaster I was on. I mean...reading over this I don't mean to make it sound easy and that I'm totally together. The breakup of this family is breaking my heart. My initial post was made at 3am or something because I couldn't sleep and it was wearing on me. However, I haven't been reduced to a quivering mass of jello this time, either. I'm really sad about this, and have all the usual thoughts of it being unfair, etc. But in the end, Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I have plenty of good years ahead, I have good relationships with my sons, and I still need and want to be there for them as they finish their education and move forward in life.
The best part, though, is that I have a clear conscience. I know I worked for and wanted the right things, and at least did the best I knew how to do in order to get it. That wasn't totally the case when I came here in 06, but it's made a huge difference in my personal strength and peace of mind since then.
It's never wrong, or the wrong time, to do the right thing, and that has made a huge difference for me personally.
This ended up being really long...sorry...that's one thing I always did with this board...get everything out of my head during those weeks I wasn't seeing my C
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
