my heart is breaking

[kermitdfrog]

My original post is under the "Surviving the big D" listed as "I need fast info" in case anyone wants to read the posts up till now. But basically, the situation is this:

My husband and I have been married almost 28 years and have a daughter, 24, and a son, 21. We had our issues, but basically had a solid, happy marriage. Or so I thought.
My husband came to me last summer and told me he didn't want to be married anymore. He said I had been disrespectful, controlling, spent too much money, etc. Basically, there was some truth to those things, and I did a ton of work on myself and really turned my behavior around. Then in September he admitted that he had a brief affair in the spring but ended it and felt horrible about it. But he insisted it was the result of his unhappiness in the marriage, not the cause. But he agreed to work on things. He also was having trouble getting contracts (he is self employed as an independent management consultant) and money was tight. Lots of stress. But I did all the begging, pleading, crying, bugging him about the affair. It was wrong but I was hurting so bad.He moved out in December and stays with his mom. We started marriage counseling in February but by April he was done. He filed for divorce three weeks ago.
I am just having so much trouble accepting this. He says he has been codependent. He says he was trying to fit into a mold and now has found himself. This is a man who has always been so moral, a Christian, a family man. We always have been a close family of four. Our friends envied our marriage. I feel like a lot of it is his job, and a midlife crisis. He spends a lot of time working for clients, and networking to get new ones. It keeps him away from home a lot, but he could always be trusted. I never felt I had to worry. He was the LAST man in the world to have an affair. He also is turning his work focus onto the inner city. He is trying to redevelop the schools, community, etc. He calls it his "ministry" and doesn't think I could be a part of it. I feel it is a great effort, and I would support it. But I feel this "save the world" but turn your back on your family mentality is so typical of a midlife crisis.
So my problem is, that I want to fight like hell for my marriage, and I don't know what else to do. He says he loves me but we are unhealthy together. (He networks with a lot of people in his business circles, including the woman he had the affair with, who are into psychobabble and buzz words like "synergy" and I think they have educated him on codependency, because his phrases are textbook. I need to add that most of them are divorced and their lives are their careers. Our daughter calls them a cult)
People tell me to move on, but I think divorce is permanent. A death. And I feel like this is so wrong. And, like I mentioned, he tells me he loves me. We have a lot of fun together. We raised the two most wonderful kids. Even our religious and political views are the same. He just says he was burned over a period of time and finally snapped and disconnected. I am willing to work to do whatever is necessary to save our marriage. 28 years of history is worth fighting for. He is afraid to go back. But when he comes over to mow the lawn, etc, he still refers to it as "home". He also takes me out to dinner. He occasionally calls me "babe". My DB coach says these are behaviors that show some uncertainty on his part. Like maybe he isn't sure about the divorce. But yet he is going through with it. My lawyer says his behavior is unusual. I am trying all the DB methods but am just having such a hard time. Our kids are heartbroken and won't speak to him. They say this man is not their father, We will have to sell the house we raised our kids in. I am scared that I cannot support myself, even with alimony, because my job is so low paying. Divorce will cost a lot of money, and money is already a stress on us.

Why is he doing this??? And am I crazy to try so hard? Any other ideas or encouragement? I love this man with everything in me. This is draining the life out of me...