Side Trip from Forward Motion

[braveheart]

BeingMe, I haven't been through as much as many others I know. I'm much better and stronger than ever, so I have many blessings to be thankful for! Back to you, I think you are 100% correct in the sense that this whole mess can create major stress which you do not need. I tell people this; if they aren't here for you during a time of life and death, what can you ever expect from them?

[TRUSTING]

So true braveheart, that is when their true character comes out. My ex left right when my mother was dying of cancer. I really did need him, but he choose to be a coward. He could not handle that the focus was taken off of him.......

[BeingMe]

We went to the bank yesterday to set up an RRSP for me. I had asked him to do so, since he has one in his name. He keeps saying that he won't cheat me (doth he protest too much?). I told him, it's not him, but some future person he meets that will tell him that I don't deserve this or that. Dang! After 25 years, and all the nonsense I put up with (he has put up with a lot from me too, but in a different category), I deserve having a more comfortable life too, now that he is earning a whole lot more money.

So, anyway, the S continues in it's slow progression. It's not what I want, but if he wants his freedom, he will pay dearly for it. He is still trying to control everything, which I find irritating. He will be away next week, so I have decided to take a day then to consult with a divorce lawyer, just so I can be prepared. I don't mind staying married, while our house gains more equity, and selling in 2 years and he pays for everything. He will be moving out at some point ... not sure when.

Here is the goodbye letter I wrote to him containing the list of my "demands":

So, it is the end. Far below, I have the list of things I want, which will likely change once we proceed to an official separation/divorce.

As for C and Cl (ref to friends he talked about). I can tell you that Cl has given C a lot more than you have given me, emotionally speaking. He always let her know what's happening without her having to ask. She could poke about his
business, ask uncomfortable questions without him getting upset, and she says at "that time" it did last for about a year before she could trust again. She knows all their business, where wills and insurance papers are, etc. because he cares about her and what could happen if something happened
to him. You, on the other hand, always got offended and upset, as if I had no right to ask you anything, so you never gave me the opportunity to trust you again. As soon as times get "bad," you just want to bolt, and retreat into your little shell. You are far better at business relationships and
friendships, it seems, and perhaps that's the kind of person that you will find more attractive as a partner, or someone like H who never complains. I'm sorry, but I am who I am, and I won't change unless the effort is reciprocated. I did try to change for you, but it didn't work. We both needed to have worked on this marriage for it to have had a chance.

Well, I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore. I don't have to feel offended when you are busy on your computer working at night, and ignoring me. I will be free to do my own thing and you the same. One day, I hope you'll 'get it' and know that all I wanted was for us to be a happy equal couple, if only we could've negotiated a way to do that. I see now that it
could never be, not with your always controlling everything, so passive aggressively, our finances, our relationship, where we lived, you having the career (I supported you in most of this, but I did hope to have my own career sooner than this). I do need to be separated from you, and you from me. We are too different. Of course, we will always have contact through
the children and financially, so I hope we can do so cordially, in a business and friendly relationship. Let us not make it uncomfortable for the kids. We will always have good memories of our fantastic children and grandchildren. We did that right, if nothing else. And, I will carry fond memories of the times we had when we were both happy.

So, I am saying goodbye in the figurative sense, at last, and if I am acting happy or being positive or having fun, I am NOT trying to win you back. I will have no expectations from you.

Below is the list of things I require when we separate at this time:
1. Open to reassessment and we can decide about a divorce or more official separation later. I guess divorce would be the best after the usual one year of separation, or so.
2. Current RRSP transferred to my name or equal amount opened. Need an appointment with bank. (Done, but not equal amount ... he's controlling again)
3. Pay my University Fees.
4. I will live in the house until sold, +/- 2 years or when the housing market picks up - you will have to keep paying the mortgage, utilities and other debts. There are things, as you know, that needs to be fixed before the house can get sold. No use wasting extra money, and I will need to have a place to live while studying (D18 too, for now).
5. I will need access to all finances, if for no other reason but to be in the loop.
6. I will need to fly to Europe at least once a year until D30 and SIL33 move back to the USA and then I will have to fly to wherever they move to so will need airmiles. I will also like airmiles to visit D24 so hope you will make that available if you have them, or at least pay toward the ticket. Of course, I could drive to D24 when the weather is fine.
7. I will need a car on my name.
8. I will need to get some credit standing so I would appreciate your helping me get that.
9. I want to continue with the $1,000 bi-monthly payment, but I would like an extra $500 per month to put in my savings account so that I will have some saved money after the two years living in the house are up.
10. I would like copies of the insurances and last will and testament of yours, so that I know the kids and I will be taken care of and not have to rely on the government deciding what and when we get any inheritance. I will, of course, give you a copy of my last will and testament and any
insurances I may have. You are more likely to use them sooner. We will need to make an appointment with a lawyer to get official wills done. (He did his will online last night and has sent me a copy ... still has to have hard copy signed)
11. I would like to be on your medical insurance and retirement money if you get a permanent job, and we are not divorced. I am being very positive about how long I may live, but better prepared than not.

So, the list is made. I am sure it will change once we go through the divorce. Just know that if you are truthful and honest with me, I will be the same with you. I probably would be anyway, as I always have been. You have said you will not cheat me, and I will hold you to that. We can do this in a collaborative way, without involving the courts as long as I feel that you are living up to your word.

I will always wish you well.

I do sound so pathetic, don't I. But, there are husbandly responsibilities/vows, "in sickness and in health", that my son now will be taking on, bless his heart. It's not fair on him. If I weren't here, and back in the other city, I would've had loads of support. And, I can't move back just yet because of studies and I am in the health system here now. So, I will wait another 2 years, then sell the house and move back. That is, if I am cancer free up to that point, and I so do intend to be so, if I have any power over it.

My H's reply (pretty much what I expected, but I asked him to reply to it so that I had an answer):

I have no problem with any of these things. We can get the will done at the bank and we already have a savings account with over $7000 (turns out that this is a tax free savings a/c on his name, and I can't have it after all, so I will be setting up my own next week) already in it. You can take that and whatever goes into it now can continue ot go in.

I wish you the best too

I have told my S24 that we are separating and how angry I am, but that I still love their father. I will need my son's support when I go to the oncologist appointment. I hate going there alone. He said, of course he will go with me. He is such a good man. I am amazed at how good our children have turned out. They are awesome.

[BeingMe]

PS. I told H the night before last to just f*ck off and leave me alone because he was harping on how we should do the RRSP thing. I am still in so much pain from falling down the stairs (and he thinks he's helping me by telling me to lie down all the time ... how magnanimous of him). I just feel like everything is crumbling down around me. I did apologize to him later, and told him that I am angry, and will be so for a time. But, I will try not to let it affect me.

I hate swearing, and I seldom do so in an argument. I am just sore. I need to remember the divorcebusting rules about GAL, getting positive thoughts, looking after myself, etc. Doing it for me, not to get him back, because I don't really want him back now. Not like this anyway ... maybe if he has some sort of epiphany, but that is so unlikely to happen that if it did, we would see pigs flying. When I look back, I don't think H has ever had a relationship breakthrough. He kinda says what he knows I want him to say to get back together, and goes back to the normal routine.

But, no more feeling sorry for myself.

[beatrice]

I think you are handling it well. Sounds as if your h is completely disconnected from his emotions, and has been for a long time. Sometimes people close down [especially men??] in order to cope. I am not defending his behaviour btw, just reminding you in a weird way it isn't personal. Just out of hospital and feeling a bit traumatized, so no more for now, except to say hang in there. It comes right for us eventually if we are able to keep a positive mental attitude. Yes, bad days, yes it isn't 'fair' but we just have to keep our integrity and plod on to get through it all.

At least you have no immediate money worries which is good.

[BeingMe]

So true, Beatrice. One can only plod on and be as positive as possible. I am trying very hard. If I am still clear (oncology appt on June 28), I will be able to think about my next steps for the next few months. Every year, at this time, I stop and catch my breath, hoping there'll be more into the next year. It's kinda like a birthday for me. But, I am feeling well, if somewhat sore from falling down the stairs last week. It's not funny yet, but it's getting there.

I hope your hospital visit was helpful in your health. I so dislike going there, but thank goodness, there are places like that where we can find healing.

H leaves again tomorrow for work. Not sure when he's going to move out. He has spent a lot of time sorting and clearing out the garage this weekend. He also bought himself a second-hand jeep to run about here or travel to closer projects.

So, life goes on, and I do love it so, despite the negatives.

[braveheart]

BeingMe, I was reading through your posts and a couple of your statements caught my eye. You stated above "Its not what I want, but if he wants his freedom, he will pay dearly for it" BeingMe, if you don't want it, don't do it. Contrary to some people's beliefs, I am not for anyone doing what they don't want to do. In saying that, if you stay with him, don't expect anything to change. You have been at this a long time, been through a lot, he hasn't changed, don't expect it now. You also said "I wouldn't mind staying married while the house gained more equity" BeingMe, again, it appears as though you are looking for reasons to stay married, again, which is fine if that's what you want, in fact, you might very well be married forever if you are looking for housing to raise in value, I'm not sure they will ever be as they are. I guess what I am trying to tell you is this; stay married if that is what you wish, but do prepare to live as you have.

[BeingMe]

BH, I don't want to be married with the same conditions we've had in the past. I have been angry, but now a calmer head prevails. I have just sent an email to all my friends who I have confided in:

I am sending this email to all my friends who I have talked to about my marriage (sounds like a lot, but actually not that many - 3 or 4). I am sorry that I put you guys through listening about it, and I am now going to stop. There is more to life, and when it comes down to it, I have a better husband than most, and I cannot fault him on being a good dad (his children are proud of him), and breadwinner. He is also a good friend, and I regret giving a bad impression about him to anyone. Nothing has been resolved by blurting out everything to y'all, and the same about forcing H to listen to me. So, I am going to concentrate on the good, and just let him go and try not to cling. I am at least 50% responsible for the failure of our marriage, and I am not proud of it. Who knows, separating could be the best thing for us.

I am done having this marriage be the major source of discussion every time I meet a friend for coffee or stay a weekend at a family member. I will only vent here, and hope y'all can put up with it. I feel like a burst balloon ... deflated and defeated. Not angry anymore, just sad. Whether we continue with our M or D and then remarry, is all up in the air if we separate. But, I don't want what we were living in the past. It would have to be a completely new R. And, I am very undecided about whether I would want to have him back. Too much muddy water under the bridge.

It will hurt though, if he found someone else. I have to be honest. But, I cannot control him ... only me ... I have to continually remind myself about that. So, no, I don't want to S or D, but I also don't want to continue in this way. Staying in the house for the next 2 years while I complete my degree, then sell up and go back to old city will work for me at this point. Hopefully, by then, the market will have improved, and also things will be clearer as to what direction I want my life to go. At this point, I am going to immerse myself into my studies. Also, this summer, we are going back to our home country for the first time in 15 years. That will be interesting. Then, I want to go with my niece (and possibly my sister) to Israel in August.

[BeingMe]

BH, I have no choice in whether I want to be married or not. H is the one making that decision, at least, as far as, being S'ed is concerned. He has told me he doesn't love me, that he is done. I will not beg and plead. He will have to make the choice in taking the step to D. We may stay married for years, but not be together. In this, I have no control over. So, I am letting him go in my mind. I am dropping the rope whether we stay married officially or not. I am trying to convince myself that there is no point in keeping him here, when he doesn't want to be here. I must find my own life, do my own thing ... GAL. So far, he is taking the steps in my list. We shall see what happens in the next few weeks.

[WCW]

Well, I agree with braveheart.

BM, continue to set your goals, get your credit built, get your bank accounts, finish your degree, protect yourself financially, make your plans as you work towards your single life. But, if you don't want to end the M then don't.

I asked before - what is your H doing to end this M? other than telling you words, his actions are none. Make him do the work to end it.

I'm not saying that as a method of DBing. I'm just saying don't do it for him. And for goodness sakes stop telling him every single plan and idea you have!! Quit writing those letters to everyone.

Write write write, but do not send. We are here for you.