As I start day 13 of total darkness, I was doing a summation in my mind. It's been almost 2 years since I returned here, almost 1 1/2 years since STBX moved out, about 6 months she went open about relationship with OM/Boss and 6 weeks since I found that out.
With all that in mind, here's where I am today:
1) Virtually no hope to save the marriage and less desire to do so than ever before
2) I am still in my house with my kids. Leaving here no longer feels like I am living in a shrine to her and memories.
3) Still no legal agreement of any kind. STBX still paying me $1000 a month to help look after kids.
4) No change (yet) from original plan to sell house and divorce next summer. But...I think I have found a way to keep the house.
5) Work is the best it has ever been for me. I have reacquainted with a couple of old friends and am doing my best to GAL.
6) I am walking, working out, eating better etc. I look very good for 42.
7) I am hiding cash every month and will have a decent amount put away by the time we divorce. I also have my employer holding back some bonuses that will be paid to me when it's all over. I am protecting my interests and those of my kids.
8) Kids are actually doing fairly well and I have become closer to both. S17 finally trusts me a little.
9) I sleep well at night again without pills.
10) I still think of STBX and OM many times per day. I still miss her at times, but the pain and longing lessen just a little each day. I miss her touch, cuddling, sex and simply being there. But, I also know that some day I will likely experience all those things with someone else.
So....today my life is not what I expected it would be 2 years ago. But, it's also not nearly as bad as it could be. I have to credit myself for that. Without this site, journaling, my counselor, reading, and talking to friends, I would be so much worse.
