My husband of 16 yrs has told me about 6 months ago that he loves me but is not in love with me. That he is not getting any younger and he wants to live his life before he dies.
I got this speach too. I also got the "I want to find someone and fall in love again(before it's too late)."
At the time I had been married 19 years.
Quote:
Around me he is so miserable it hurts me. I don't k ow how to fix this. I'm desperate!!
It does hurt to see them so miserable.
You can't fix it. It isn't about you.
Does he have legitimate complaints? Probably. We all do after so many years together.
Should you take a really good look at yourself and see what you want to change? Absolutely. This is for you though.
I know that I was not the woman I wanted to be. It took alot of soul searching to figure out what I needed to change.
At first, it's all about "fixing" the M. That's why it took me awhile to acknowledge what I needed to do for myself. I want to look in the mirror and know that I make choices out of self awareness. Not for someone else.
I know how desperate you are. I also know that if you change for him, it won't last.
What did you figure out from reading the resources Cadet posted for you?
This is by far the hardest thing I've ever been through, even worse than the problem pregnancy and losing a child to stillbirth. Not having the person I've leaned on and confided in there for me is hard enough, having her be the source of my pain is overwhelming.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
I've been reading this thread and I am learning so much from all of your posts. Please forgive my hijacking, but wanted to ask those of you on here dealing with MLC spouse to please take a look at my sitch (I posted in Newcomers) and let me know your thoughts. Is this an MLC? What stage does my H appear to be in? I am on the right track? Many thanks for taking a look and posting!
M:12yr 06/11:IDLYA 07/11:Moves out 08/11:PA disc(began in May) 09/11:Moves w OW 10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt 11&12/11: Touchngo w me 1/12: Comes home-PA resumes 2/12: PA disc; PA ends Today: Piecing
I just want to say i also have an attorney who is "not himself". I hate to give up on him also (after 34 years together). He thinks a relationship should be "fun" and if we're not having fun we are not in love. (we're not having fun because of him and his "problems" whatever those may be - he never just said he was melting down, tho i knew something was up with him- i had no idea it was an affair.) I was just trying to give him space and be a lovng companion. I'm doing same as you, trying to employ divorce busting, get a life technique- it's been a year - it's wierd as heck and i'm miserable all the time- but trying hard to do it & see. I can see he "turns off" when i try to talk about "it" all - he feels "bludgeoned" so i just don't. hardest thing i've ever done- have patience and keep hanging in there. i do not know how it will turn out- he thinks he needs to live and die alone- tho says i should not clear out of his life- ever wonder how it all got so jerky when it was soo good for soo long? we are together for a few weeks - then apart for a few- both are bad in different ways - i just wanted to say i share your pain - and wish you luck. i thought i might spontaneously die in the beginning- i didn't. that's got to be worth something. just make it thru another day- then try to sleep thru another nite. ta da
Oh, My God - this is my first ever forum experience. I just read your comment to someone and you said you sleep in the same bed - so do I. There is an ow in my sitch - i hate knowing it- i am amazed you are surviving & going on - I am too and i am amazed too. It IS the hardest thing i ever did- not pursuing- not acting like i care - not freaking out. I am 1 year post discovery (for sure) of affair(s) - a cousin & an old secretary. I thought i would die - i didn't. I am taking heart that there are so many people out there in same boat- it's so easy for people to throw around advice & judgement when they're not in my shoes. I found mwd and her books- i do have some hope- i am not unrealistically optimistic- i'm just unwilling to go down without a fight for this 34 year relationship that was soooo good for sooo long- the book's description of mlc fits to a "t" - wish me luck.nero
They may have been a significant part of your (and your children's) life but they are not the "end all".
Live YOUR life !
If they find you on YOUR journey, great !
If they don't.......
So what?
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
sleeper- i never saw this response you made. i didn't know our posts & responses are in other people's spaces.
anyway- only want to say i love dune - (for some wierd reason because i am not in the least a sci fi guy (well- gal)). i need to dust off my wierding way - wish i had one
it's just that i wish i could feel he is not the biggest part of my life- i'm a bit more detached now - not by any means looking forward to life alone. still makes me feel sick to think of never seeing him again. he is so deeply entangled in every way with me and my life. it's like saying hey, what the heck, so you need to get your head amputated- you'll get used to it.???!!!
This thread has struck a cord with me, especially reading about hos they can seem friendly and yet don't want a R. My H confuses me. He can be such good friends with me, I start to think maybe he's coming round. Then he'll say something that make me think, or maybe not!!! The week before he told me he wanted a divorce, He was coming round here a lot and making himself at home. On the Wednesday he texted me in the morning and asked if he could be cheeky and have a bath as he's only got a shower at his place. I said he could and whilst he was having a bath I made us both lunch and then we sat down to watch some tv together. I was feeling happier than I had been since he left and felt very hopeful. I knew it wasn't going to bw an over night R, but at least I thought it was a step in the right direction. The following week, he told me he was going to see a solicitor to start filing for D. You can imagine how devastated I was!! It was like an alien had abducted him the way he was talking to me. The next time he asked for a bath, I said no. He also asked to borrow some money and I've said he had a cheek after filing for D and then expecting me to loan him some money and use my hot water! I had a right rant at him that day! I often wonder if it's a MLC that he's going through. He did say that he was a 25 year old that's stuck in a 47 year old's body which screams MLC at me! Well anyway, I have big plans now about how I'm going to redesign this house It will make him harder to come back as he will feel that he has been pushed out, but what else can I do? I was going to consult him about the changes, but now I've decided I'm just going to do it
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
This thread has struck a cord with me, especially reading about how they can seem friendly and yet don't want a R. My H confuses me. He can be such good friends with me, I start to think maybe he's coming round. Then he'll say something that make me think, or maybe not!!! The week before he told me he wanted a divorce, He was coming round here a lot and making himself at home. On the Wednesday he texted me in the morning and asked if he could be cheeky and have a bath as he's only got a shower at his place. I said he could and whilst he was having a bath I made us both lunch and then we sat down to watch some tv together. I was feeling happier than I had been since he left and felt very hopeful. I knew it wasn't going to be an over night R, but at least I thought it was a step in the right direction. The following week, he told me he was going to see a solicitor to start filing for D. You can imagine how devastated I was!! It was like an alien had abducted him the way he was talking to me. The next time he asked for a bath, I said no. He also asked to borrow some money and I've said he had a cheek after filing for D and then expecting me to loan him some money and use my hot water! I had a right rant at him that day! I often wonder if it's a MLC that he's going through. He did say that he was a 25 year old that's stuck in a 47 year old's body which screams MLC at me! Well anyway, I have big plans now about how I'm going to redesign this house It will make him harder to come back as he will feel that he has been pushed out, but what else can I do? I was going to consult him about the changes, but now I've decided I'm just going to do it
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
It will make him harder to come back as he will feel that he has been pushed out, but what else can I do? I was going to consult him about the changes, but now I've decided I'm just going to do it