You love her. She keeps this stirred by contacting you every day. Oh, yes I know that the children are used as the excuse for the contact....but that's all it is. I'm sure it seems legit to you when you call or email her about one of the boys, but it's an excuse. I've know divorced people who never, NEVER, contacted each other and had little children. It can be done!
All good stuff from Sandi! This above is the most poignant, from where I sit right now...
Personally, I never thought it was possible to have n/c when there are kids involved.
I've heard, over and over and over again that because there are kids involved, there has to be contact.
That is true, but how much contact is obviously dependent on the arrangements made.
For me, I've been told that we should allow flexibility. I am now quite certain that it is the flexibility that is my excuse to allow for contact.
Do what works for you nine. I am absolutely certain you are getting great advice from Sandi and 25!
But why must you assume she's chatting happily with OM when in fact I bet the thought of YOU crossed her mind more than once...how this would have been something you'd enjoy and the boys...how they wished it was you there sitting with her watching....
If you think it really is a contest she's setting up, then she's really NOT done with you. Why would she do this on purpose? I don't see it that way...isn't this guy kind of a loser?
Isn't it possible she's desparately trying to prove he's not??
If your boys were 5, this would be like him giving them candy...it's great at first but even kids know when they're being bribed
and no one ever, takes the father's place'
your son probably called "excited" because he wants YOU to be proud of him
never crossed his mind you'd be hurt until after, IF at all...kids are a bit self centered that way. But in his way, it's his love for you that made your son cal you...do you see that?
Get some rest 9. You deserve it. Hope your team wins tonight.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just checking in on you 9 to see how you are doing.
Like you, I went through a bunch of my emails with W a few weeks ago, wondering where it all went wrong. I think that was my attempt at closure. It was painful, but perhaps necessary.
I can't imagine, though, the pain you are going through with your kids and OM. W and I had no kids together, so I have no way to understand the hurt you must be going through. All I can say is try to remain strong (or at least appear it) around the kids.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Thanks Jb. Dont know if she is pushing buttons or just living her life without me. I really dont know.
Today on the way home and on my bike , I felt a strange sense of calm like , Okay, this is what you want, lets live it. I drove by her house on the way to the hardware store and for the first time, did not look to see whose vehicles where in the driveway. Almost Like i didn't care. Almost, but i did look away for the first time ever. That may be a good sign.
If my patterns continue, I will be at peace for a few days then, something will happen and be a little upset. I dont want to be and I hope i get some thicker skin at some point. I have to.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Dont know if she is pushing buttons or just living her life without me. I really dont know.
She is definitely not living her life without you. She still wants to experience family ties with you and the boys, but she also wants to know how it feels to be single and sleeping with OM. Therefore, she's much like the child who will risk discipline from the parent b/c the child feels that negative attention is better than no attention at all.
When she thinks you may be detaching a bit, she ups the pressure. So, be warned.... b/c she will push all buttons available before she will be convinced it won't get a response from you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
9, I don't have much to add, you're getting great advice.
All I will say is I feel for you with some of the [censored] you have to deal with in all of this.
The small town, the "rock," it's tough.
I'm "lucky" enough to never have to see evidence of OM. It would be a freak occurrence for me to ever run into him. I don't know if I would recognize him if I did, all I have seen is his profile picture on FB, and he looks like a big douche (yeah, had to throw that in).
I guess I am just trying to say that I understand these things make it difficult for you.
But you have shown great strength in dealing with it. So be proud, be strong and keep beating those drums.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
When she thinks you may be detaching a bit, she ups the pressure. So, be warned.... b/c she will push all buttons available before she will be convinced it won't get a response from you.
In it's simplest form...if you watch her, you are not watching yourself.
You have a huge opportunity here. Move on and "act as if" you don't want her. WE know the truth. That's where acting comes in.
Just FYI, I've been divorced for a little over 6 months and guess who contacts me? It's DB 101 and Sandi has a huge part in this. (Thank you AGAIN Sandi)
Why? because I'm not available. They will test you. When I said "make her regret her choice" I mean you live your life and they come a knockin'. Maybe you come to the conclusion that you let her back in, maybe you don't, but the empowerment of change and having that choice, it's a miracle in itself. If you live for you, regardless how hard the choice is, YOU still always have YOU.
Thanks for taking the time to stay with me. The support really means a lot as I have all but stopped talking about it with my friends.
Last night, I called this girl from the city. She appears to be very nice. We chatted for about 3 hours which is a good sign but she got out of a really bad situation recently so I am going to be cautious. And I did tell her about my sitch as well. IT made me feel better talking with her as she has many qualities Im looking for that my wife did not. She appears to be very upbeat and I read some of her quotes on facebook that she likes and they were deep.
Also, she is in education and understands the dilemmas that we face in this new age with kids. I dont know how this will play out obviously but I am intrigued. She also told me that she has sewn her oats so to speak. Has did her fair share of travelling and is comfortable in her own skin. It would be nice to hook up with someone that is not insecure and has done some things. My wife always complained that she never got a chance to do anything with her life or go to many places. Hence part of the midlife crisis I think.
This new girl had a horrible relationship recently that ended as bad as it gets. She met a guy from another town about 3 hours away, they would hang with her sister. Sister was recently married (for the second time). All good until new girl's boyfriend started being a little rude to her. Was flirting with her newlywed sister. New girl joked with her boyfriend and mentioned the flirting which he denied and became angry. Long story short, her sister ends marriage, and takes off with her boyfriend.
Do i went to get mixed up with this baggage? I dont know, I just want to get to know her and see if anything sparks. Perhaps this is two people that are not in the right frame to start a relationship but who knonws. All i know is that last night, I didnt think about my w very much for the first time in a very long time. She has this sweet voice and is very pretty.
Maybe she just needs a nice guy; ( moi) and I need a nice girl to get to the other side.
I am open and honest with her and she has been the same with me.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
9, if this same sitch with the new girl were happening with me, I might feel the same as you. The loneliness and need for companionship weighs heavy inside us all. I'll be honest that starting something with a new person sounds good...
and then I'd use my own internal 2x4 on myself, at least for now.
Quote:
Do i went to get mixed up with this baggage? I dont know, I just want to get to know her and see if anything sparks. Perhaps this is two people that are not in the right frame to start a relationship but who knonws. All i know is that last night, I didnt think about my w very much for the first time in a very long time. She has this sweet voice and is very pretty.
Ask and be honest with yourself if this the road you want to go down. Do you want and/or can you handle all the additional drama (trust me, I know about additional drama:)
Still, it *is* nice to connect with someone new of the opposite sex. It's a great ego boost and, even if it isn't the road you want to go down, provides the confidence that makes us that much more attractive overall.
I'm happy you had this opportunity, keep it up!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
