WAW for 6+ years -- Need Help

[SolutionOriented]

Hi, I was directed to this site by my MC. I have also had the book since 29 April and am currently making my way through the chapters. My story is below. I am seeking to not only share and listen, but to provide inspiration for others out there working hard to save their marrige. Although in this position for 6+ years, I have only beeen DBing since 29 April. Unfortunately, I learned on 29 April that I have been doing all the wrong things these past few years and have only truly started to save my marriage and GAL in the process just recently.

-baby of the family; 3 siblings; I was a spoiled child.
-first marriage lasted 5 years; 6 till divorce was final.
-met and married wife 21 years ago; married 20+ years ago
-I had a temper (no physical abuse); just would blow up at different things; wife accepted and tried to help
-in Oct 02 deployed; returned following year
-started having ‘more noticeable’ problems in 04
-co-worker (OM) was coming over to help us with our computer at our home and offering to work on it during his off hours at his home
-I noticed ‘something in spring/summer 04’ about her interest with him when he came over to house; came over about 3-4 times
-during 04 she asked me to seek counseling; I refused saying I didn’t need it or didn’t want to hurt my career
-she became really depressed around Aug timeframe and it grew very increasingly worse from there
-by Nov 04 she didn’t even want to participate with family for Thanksgiving; she ‘made’ herself get out of bed
-on Dec 31, we went to a party; she literally ‘hovered’ around OM from work the entire night
-when we got home later that night, we went to have sex and she was not responding physically – at that time she told me she was going to tell OM the next day that she loved him.
-So, from Dec 31, 04 (and before then) to now we have been in this EA.
-in Aug 08, she started working at my place of work; they continued to see each other and I continued to let it happen.
-in Nov 09, I gave her an ultimatum. She presented it to him thinking he would leave his wife and he didn’t.
-they still continued to see each other until June 2010, but they still talk on the phone at work. OM wife states that my wife is calling OM, but they are both calling each other.
-on 20 april 11, my wife went to see my SIL. I asked wife to think about us and where she wants to go in our marriage. Wife returned and told me she liked the ‘space’ and not having to worry about me being around her all the time (ouch). We ride to and from work and then we’re home together. There’s no time for her to get the ‘space’ she states she needs. I told her that she said that before and it didn’t work. She can have ‘space,’ but not space to come and go to cheat on me.
-we looked at her moving out earlier this week, but the friend she was going to move in with couldn’t accommodate her. He is divorced and I don’t believe he wants anymore drama in his life at this time.
-so, wife stated she will ‘co-exist’ with me and try to figure out what she wants to do. Leave me and go be with him or not.
HOWEVER, she clearly told me a couple of months ago that if he called and said come to me that she would drop everything she’s doing and go to him. She also stopped having sex with me at the beginning of this year (the one thing she stated she really enjoyed). She stated that she felt like she was cheating on him. She thinks about him all the time and what he’s doing and where he’s at. OM has drama in his life; wife had a PA and adult daughter is having problems. My wife states she loves him and she is not going to a therapist to hear about how she should stop trying to see him or stop talking to him because she tried that in the past and she was horribly miserable. She will not do that again. She stated that OM doesn’t want to hurt our son by asking her to be with him and that his wife is threatening to ruin him if he leaves her and he doesn’t won’t to lose everything he’s worked for.
She did admit that he hurts her, too. She did admit that, logically, her head tells her she should be with me, BUT she has always followed her heart her entire life and she will continue to do that. No therapist is going to convince her differently. She does appreciate that I love her and that I have stayed with her through all of this. She does know that I am now the man she always wanted me to be. But that doesn’t take away the fact that he was there for her when she was ‘dead’ inside and she will always be there for him.. . . and would go live with him if he asked her too.
She doesn’t want to keep hurting me and for me to know she’s not an evil person; however, she doesn’t regret being in love with him. She begged and begged for me to see someone to get help and then she started dying slowly inside.

By the time she decided to be with him she considered our marriage over and done with and that I didn’t love her anymore by the way I acted and by not seeking help.

That's me for now. I will post up-to-date stuff soon. In all things give thanks to the Lord, I thank you Lord.