Side Trip from Forward Motion

[WCW]

Thank you bh, you proved yourself again.

[cat03]

ok you two, back to Being me

Sweets, you have fought long and hard, he sounds like he's just making excuses to make himself look righteous but thankfully you can see through his bs... You know in your heart you foght with all you had to keep your M... if anything, we held on for way too long... life is too short.

[braveheart]

Thank you bh, you proved yourself again.

Yep, and you sure show your colors to everyone! Congrats to you, keep it up! Cat you are 100% correct, beingme is the one I was trying to help. Problem is with many around here is that if you have an opinion different than what they think, they try to make you out to be some type of monster. My goal is to expand some of the narrow thinking of some people here, I mean come on, so many people want you to keep doing the same things over and over, even when its not working, just to stay in line with their narrow minded way of thinking.

[25yearsmlc]

sorry to crash the thread

Braveheart, cat, can you read greenblue's thread about his w & her bisexual affairs situation?

it's a long thread but i"m out of ideas.

thanks and sorry for the hijack!

[WCW]

Nice to have plans with my H last night rather than being here playing grade school name calling games.

I'm not telling BeingMe to stay married, but I am asking what HER plans are rather than TELLING her what she HAS to do.

No one here should make a demand that someone else should end their marriage.

[braveheart]

I'm not "demanding" anything, I am just encouraging her to leave a mean, abusive, non-loving, and cheating partner. I just have a different outlook on things, it doesn't mean I am unsympathetic or uncaring, I just want more for people who have lived in misery for so long. Some of you people really make me laugh! Some of you spend YEARS trying to get back with someone who has treated you like camel dung, and I encourage some of you to move on and get away from it, and I make you "crabby"? Is there something wrong with that picture? I think so!

[BeingMe]

Thank you all for caring, even to discuss my situation. I hardly ever get traffic here, so I feel honoured. I do get what you are all saying in your various ways. You got the "non-loving, and cheating partner" of my H right, but he isn't mean or abusive (wait, maybe he is psychologically). Anyway, he sure isn't in to me, and I am not happy with him, so it is best we separate. This song has played too long.

Here is where I stand right now, my attempt to get them ducks in a row, and make logic what is emotional ...

My H says he does not love me. To be fair, I did ask him. I also asked him if we could continue our M, and he said no. So, I have clarity about our R. He denies that there is an OW, but I don't believe him. He is now sleeping in our spare bedroom. Our marital room is hardly a place of passion (twice in two years), so I said he should sleep there. He travels for work a lot ... he is more away then here, so it will make things easy.

He continues to invite me out to do things, is pleasant, for instance, he complimented me on how good the car looks after I cleaned it, etc. When he invited me to go kayaking with my D18, I said no. I told him, I am giving him his space. He says he doesn't want it. Then I said he obviously does since he wants to separate. Once, a few weeks ago, he told me that he thought I won him back 7 years ago when I was having fun (this was after I had told him I finally wanted the D and my daughter and I were planning our new home, etc. I was happy at last, free to be myself, no longer walking on eggshells). I told him I was not trying to win him back. So, now I am making it obvious that I am not trying to win him back. I don't want him back. He has hurt me too much. I certainly don't want him back just because I'm having fun, or fun to be with. M is about more than that, and if he can't see it, then it's a lost M anyway. I think he wants us to be buddies and do things together while he's at home, but have his thing away from home to himself. I can only guess, because he is not one to talk things through.

All of this comes up when I am about to have my yearly MRI and oncology appointment. I've had two clean MRI's, so I am praying for another. It's been 1.5 years since I beat this cancer, and I am so nervous and scared, but I will not show him. As my H he should know this.

So!

1. I have decided that the house should not be sold until everything is fixed and the market changes ... hopefully, in the next 2 years.
2. At the same time, I hope to have graduated with my BA (Creative Writing).
3. Also, we hope to go back to my home country with D18. My mother-in-law is deteriorating with her altzheimers and I want to see her, if only for the last time. I truly cared about her.
4. My niece wants me to go with her to Israel in August, so I am tempted to do so, and write a piece about that experience and sell it. I have to get my new career kick-started. I don't want to rely on my H, although after 25 years marriage, he pretty much has to support me, if I read the BC rules correctly. I will go to a lawyer and check what my rights are.
5. H will have to continue paying the house mortgage, and everything else until the house is sold, including school fees. Once all that is done, we will buy separate domains, and sign on the dotted line. I have told him that once those signatures dry, there will be no going back.
6. I will be moving on. We are separated now. We just haven't made it official.
7. While I have this time, I have to get my own credit history going. I don't have one. I have been a mom and wife all my married life. H deals with the finances and I have not a clue about them. My bad ... I should've paid attention. I doubt I could get a normal job now, since I had this health issue. And, anyway, I want a career which he has with my 25 years support. My turn now.

So, these are my ducks marching in a row, I hope. If he forces anything, than I will have to rethink the ducks, and go with tigers.

[braveheart]

BeingMe, I understand this is a scary time for you! As you pointed out, you beat the cancer, keep on beating it!! Don't be scared of the CAT Scan, or your check-up, fear is the air cancer breathes, don't give it ONE BREATH!!! I can relate, I had colon-rectal cancer in 09, did 6 weeks of chemo and radiation, surgery, infection, an ostomy bag, 12 cycles of 5-fu, oxyplatin, lucovorin chemo, and a reversal surgery on the ostomy. I am living my life to the fullest, and I have ZERO time for idiots!!! This is why I have encouraged you to move on! You have done everything and then some! Live life for yourself, please!!! If I can help you with the cancer or anything else, please let me know!!!

[WCW]

BeingMe, it's good you have clarity and direction. You have a good list to lay the groundwork for where you are going with your life now. Doesn't it feel good??

Curious about why you asked 'if we could continue our M' after he said he does not love you. If he won't continue the M, what is he doing to end it? Are you doing all the work?

Hoping all the best for you.

[BeingMe]

It seems I am doing it all. But, that's okay. I just want this over and done with now. I am not going to hope anymore. He has lied so much, and gets offended when I don't trust him. I think he will regret this, but I can't worry about that now. He says three years into living here he gave up (I don't know what, because I saw nothing). And what happened three years into living here ... the beginning of my seizures/tumour. And he says he was there for me ... my kids were more there for me than he was. But, I'll let him live in his denial world. He doesn't know that I have this forum, where I can go back many years and see what was happening.

I fell down the stairs on Sunday. I was so scared it would be serious, but after x-rays, they found I had a crack in my coccyx, and load of pain in my muscles. Thank goodness for T3. I hope I can get this sorted out soon. I need to be strong.

Braveheart ... wow, you have also been through the wringer. At times like these, we need our spouses the most, but they cause so much more stress, that it's not worth it having them around.