Here I am again. Haven't been posting much because I realize this is totally out of my control.
H watched the dogs for me while I was away on business and brought them home on a Saturday a couple weeks ago. He came in and took his shoes off so I guess he decided to visit.
We chatted about the dogs and his boys. Basically a whole lot about nothing and he left. I looked fabulous by the way!
In the frenzy of his leaving (he brought the one dog he's kept) I forgot to give him his mail. I sent a text that I had mail for him and he texted me to call him. I said I was putting the screens in so I'd just leave the mail in the door later in the week rather than talk to him about mail.
He then sent a text saying he wanted to talk to me about why he's been so down the past few months. I called him about 10 minutes later.
He told me he feels horrible for what he's done to me. Said he sees how good I'm doing and how great the house looks. Tried to tell me that he knew separating would make me happy. I told him I'm doing very well and had been in a funk prior to the bomb and this has totally prompted me to pick myself up and get my old life back. He said he sees that and is so happy for me.
H said he isn't happy and doesn't know if he ever will be. He realizes that we were a team and he'll probably never have that again with anyone. Said he'll probably never find anyone that loves him "just for him" the way I did.
He said he misses me and misses coming home to me. I said he'll be happy again and that's what I want for him. To have what he wanted when he started this. I told him I've forgiven him. I told him to call anytime he wanted to talk.
I was on cloud 9 when I got off the phone! He told me everything I'd been wanting to hear. I visited a friend later and told her everything. She took me by the shoulders and shook me...then she asked if he said he loved me, couldn't bear to lose me, left OW and begged my forgiveness. I said no...and she said THEN HE DIDN'T SAY IT and DON'T READ into it!!!! Everything I knew from here but apparently was so happy to forget at the hint of a non-existant sign from him.
The next day I stopped by his place to pick up a dog bed he'd forgotten to bring back. I was so excited he had said I could stop by. That meant OW wasn't there and I could see my step sons. He acted as though we'd never had the conversation the day before. I was upbeat and positive and left before he decided my visit would be over.
I told my friend what happened and she said to call him with my questions so I did. He asked what I had questions about so I told him I left because he wanted me to leave. It was not my choice. I wanted to work on things but he said he needed me to leave to see if he'd miss me. Then he said he missed me the day before. So I asked if that meant anything...he asked what I thought it meant and I said nothing. He said it didn't change anything...he just wanted me to know he feels bad.
I KNOW better than to get sucked into that.
At least I recover much faster when I backslide but boy was that a bad 24 hours.
Today he got mad at me for not getting him all the paperwork he needs to divorce me. I've been taking my time but now I'm ready to let him go. I think he's using the money he pays me to help with bills as an excuse for always being broke...both to himself and to OW. He's going to take out from investments to pay a lump sum to pay off debt.
He had the audacity to text me today that my dragging my feet "reinforces his decision" like if I'd been quicker to give him paystubs and investment info he might have actually changed his mind and felt love for me again. What a dolt!!!
Anyway...just journaling to show that crazy hasn't been cured!
