I think the email was great tank. You set clear boundaries which are needed. I can only imagine how hard this would actually be. The other side of this is how to explain this to your children. Will they have expectations that you two are getting back together? If so, it could make it more difficult to see you seperate again in the future. Just things to think about.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Well country song, i did set clear boundaries. My motivation for this is my children. Right now, my D7 get sick when she doesnt see her mom. My SS15 has an addiction to pot and i am trying to help him and is only excuse whe gave me was "my life is so fuc&&& up, no one wants me and this helps". SS13 has become very violent and nasty with his siblings and friends. S9 has withdrawn and isnt happy like he used to be.
My motivation is crystal clear. My children need their mom home with them. The best outcome would be for us to fix our family. But thats not what i am working on now. My kids need all the support they can get.
On numerous occasions, we have talked and she knows if she comes home she cant leave. It would be too hard on the kids. I think that is why she is taking her time on this decision. Her mom and grandmother have both told her she cant play with the kids emotions by coming and leaving at her whim.
I have to think that her considering this is her way of reaching out. She was a great mom, she lost her way and got involved with some bad decisions. I dont think a mom can walk away like that and not regret it. So for my kids sake i will do this. If she comes home, i will smile all the time, showcase the new improved loving father i am. Hopefully that will show her that my changes are here and permenant.
hello all, its been a while since i have been able to get on here. here is the newest chapter in my life.
My wife has not made up her mind yet to come home or not. She has not taken the kids anywhere near the OM, and says she wont until she makes up her mind. So she has been having visits at our friends place.
Now we had coffee on tuesday and we sat in the park and she was suffering from a headache. She asked me to rub her neck and shoulders and i did and relieved alot of stress for her. Her comment was " no one knows my body like you!" i said nothing. It was a great hour of just talking. She asked if she could have all of her visits at the house. Including her weekend visits. She would stay over. Again i picked up on her wording, "this will be a good place for us to start."
To me that was a hugh baby step in a positive direction. I am confused as the she is still living with the OM, but I am trying not to get pushy and possessive. I am trying to be nice and kind, and the kids are asking her constantly when she is coming home.
I have asked the kids to back off a bit, but they dont want to listen to me on this front. Any pointers on how to get the kids to back off a bit? i dont want my wife to be pressured at this stage. So any words of wisdom, please share.
SS14, SS13 these two you should be able to talk to realatively easily.
"I need you guys to just enjoy mom being around and not ask her to come home. Sometimes people do funny things when they feel pressure, sometimes they do the opposite of what you want because of it."
S8, D6 Say something similiar I suppose, but it is going to be harder for them to grasp the concept.
Ulitmately?
I really do no think it is a bad idea that your children let her know they miss her and the family being together.
This is the consequence of her actions. You? You can handle it, got all your crap in one sock, the kids? Doing well but miss mom.
Let her know that you're not the one putting pressure on her, the kids do miss her, and it is a natural thing for them to want her around.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
well j3b, she had a talk with them before i drove her back to om's house.
she told them that she knows they want her home and they need to know that having her visits with them at home is a start. if her visits continue you to be as nice as the last 2, then maybe mommy and daddy can work on mommy coming home to stay.
so it sounded good to the kids, but they all told her they will remind her often how much they want her home.
her and i are spending about an hour and a half in the car together when i drive her to and from her visits. its been good conversation. today she smacked my leg when she had something exciting to tell me. she even briefly held my hand and gave it a squeeze.
My w has been having all her visits here including her weekend ones.
Last weekend, we had a talk about the situation. She is totally taking advantage of me, but I set a time line in my head and I'm not going to change that based on emotional situations.
Some insite from others here would be good.
She said she knows it won't last between the 2 of them, he won't committ to anything, let alone her. He wants his own kids, he wants to get married. She says they will never get married, she can't have any more kids. She said she doesn't know how he feels about her and how she feels about him! Over a year into the relationship WTF!
She says she only lives in the moment, and she is addicted to him. She referred to him like a drug she can't let go of.
So uhm, I'm a little lost, not sure how to proceed here. I stayed calm, justified what she said. But I'm very confused. In the last year, she has not progressed at all. No movement forward in that relationship.
My S13 told me today that they probably aren't at OM any more cause one of them. Broke his glow in the dark toilet seat and S9 openly says he hates OM and s15 steals his stuff. So really it seems she is buying time by using my house to keep them away from her perfect care free world.
i have just returned home from a week long business trip. W stayed at the house with the kids. the kids were very happy to see me, w has been very distant.
I have given her space to finish her visit with them and stayed out of her way as much as possible. she hasnt really said anything to me. kinda like she is avoiding me all together.
well i am not going to push for a conversation. The time is ticking away, and i am sticking to my timeline on this one. If she cant make up her mind soon enough, she will be out in the cold and she will lose us all.
I gave her 30 days Jack3beans. I am 2 weeks into that timeline.
Take in mind that, i drive her to and from my house for all her visits. She has all her visits including weekend visits at my home. I provide all the meals etc. while she is here. I am doing all this as she is not sure what she is doing. I am being used and i know it. The kids are confused.
i just feel that enough is enough. I just feel that if at the end of the 30 days she still cant get her mind wrapped around the situation, its been 15 months since she left, I am investing 2 hours 2x a week and the $6 per gallon gas price to make the 45 min drive. then every other weekend etc, and what does she give back to me? nothing, she isnt even paying any of the support she is supposed to. Oh, and she wants me to provide her a car "IF SHE" comes home as well. So i am at the end of the rope and i am prepared to drop it once and for all.
dbmod, could you give a little more insite as to what kind of boundaries you might suggest?
I am thinking if she cant make up her mind, i just finalize the divorce and move on.
i am willing to listen to others input on this situation, but the longer this goes on, the more frustrated i get. I am giving her the best life possible. She gets to be with OM (who she refers to as a drug), keep the children away so they dont break or steal his things, or treat him with no respect and openly express there dislike of him. She doesnt pay for a dam thing when she does see the kids, and she doesnt pay her support and sits at home with no job and lives off of OM.
