The big punch - Redux

[JustStunned]

MK, I figure sooner or later my W will lose some of the anger and we’ll be on friendlier terms. I am trying to keep anger out of my part. It isn’t easy.

This sounds like a better convo than you’ve had for sometime. It isn’t all you’ve hoped for. I wouldn’t consider it a baby step, but it was a little positive. Accept it for what it was.

At least she is acknowledging the decree.

I’d think of this as a cease fire. How long it lasts depends on both.

Stand firm, Stand fair, Stand strong, and Stand PROUD!

[LITB]

MyK-Now that you have hired a L and are standing up for yourself, she realizes that she doesn't have ALL of the control she once thought she had. Keep standing up for yourself and what is best for your daughter.

It is true that she can do as she pleases, but she needs your input when it comes to your daughter.

I'm glad to see things are getting better. Just don't let your guard down.

Stand firm, Stand fair, Stand strong, and Stand PROUD!

As JS said ^^^^.

[25yearsmlc]

read the decree carefully

chances are, she needs your consent to leave the state...


KNOW THE RULES of the decree...you paid for it. And that way when you want to go somewhere with d, you will know how to go about it.

The last thing you need is a violation of the decree on your end.

You're doing well. I wonder how all this is settling into her now that she realizes there are SOME costs to her choice.

Not everything will go her way...yeah, that's life

[Redo]

JS, LITB, 25, Thanks for your wisdom.

Yup, according to the decree she does need to consult me when leaving out of state. But we have not signed the decree yet. So technically we are still married. That is why i found it weird. But i think she is trying to show that she's not being mean toward me when it comes to our daughter. That is what she conveyed on Thursday. But still she makes it a point to point out all the 'nice' things she has done to keep relationship with daughter good. I guess i could have said that things came here due to her decision. But i told her that she would not be hearing those comments from me anymore. She said she could not take it. I'll keep my word for it. Anyway i dont think she will change her mind even if i point out that this was her decision. She knows that. No point in me poking her on it.

[25yearsmlc]

it's the move that got your d away.

Yes the divorce too, but that's not final yet AND your w thinks that it's your fault she had to file. So it's not worth pointing out but I think the move MIGHT be worth mentioning sometime...she made that choice and


it DOES complicate things and for that, SHE is responsible. So if SHE brings up a hassle resulting from her unilateral choice, you may gently remind her of this reality.



Also, read the decree again b/c signing it probably won't finalize the divorce.


it usually has to be "processed" once signed...and beyond that, I can only hazard a guess. Ask your L exactly when and what your status is.


ALSO remember that after the divorce is final, if it is, you can ALWAYS try to modify things about custody or money...


But once custody is established, you must show that a change is in the best interests of the CHILD...not a parent.



So make sure you fight for what you/your d want and need NOW, don't hope for the best "down the road"...


Work it out now and you can be flexible later IF YOU WANT, but make sure you have all the rights you need/want asap. Don't count on your w to be kinder or gentler once it's over.



YOU can be all you want...
Don't put yourself into a vulnerable position that relies on HER being kind and gentle to you.


I still think there's hope she'll see you differently, months from now, if you keep up the changes you have made. I really do.


Will that be of interest to you? Who knows? cross that bridge when we get to it.

Take care of yourself, (it's your "real" job)

[Redo]

Thanks 25: I'll keep your tips in mind.

Journaling....

Daughter seems to have asthma again. She was at the doctor's just last week. I feel bad for my baby. Feel horrible that i am not there now. At-least I am gonna be there this weekend to take her to her swimming lessons. Cant wait to see her again!

So wife is going to VA for july 4th. She's going with her parents. Logic tells me it is all okay. My emotions feel otherwise. We always used to meet for july-4th. Her parents and my SIL and her husband. I used to BBQ. Now...i dunno. I hate feeling this way and feeling sorry for myself. Just gotta do something that weekend. Have to start learning to live with these feelings if i am looking for a long term resolution.

[Redo]

Journaling....

Not much going on this week, apart from my visit to see daughter tomorrow. Taking her to her first swim class.

This week I spend more time working on my metalworking hobby and just vegetating at home. Really glad that my company has a relaxed policy that allows me to work from home.

Excited to see daughter this weekend. In-laws will be at home, so this could be interesting. They have not called once since this thing started.

Somehow i am having existential crisis every morning about what i need to do with my life. I try to convince myself that for now i'll just have to live for that moment and not think too far.

[Redo]

...Just talked to wife telling her i'll be lil late talking to daughter. Then wife tells me she was interviewing. She sounded quite excited.

She told me how she interviewed last week and now one again this week. I am happy for her. But still it hurts like hell. I am scared that once she starts working the distance will only grow. I could be wrong. But i don't know why it is bothering me like crazy. I feel that through our sitch, i am the one wondering what wife is up to. I don't think she even thinks about me at all.

If we were together and she was interviewing, it would have been such a happy moment. I always wanted wife to be happy with her career. She never was. But now that she is interviewing it is a bittersweet moment. Bitter because she's just so ready to just move on. Sweet i guess because i still care for her and want her to be happy.

Man all this is giving me massive migrane.

[LITB]

I understand how you are feeling MyK as I went through the same scenario back in March when my W was interviewing and got her job. Don't let the fear and the wondering paralyze you from taking care of you.

I didn't get over the fear until recently (within the last 2 weeks TBH) and it has made a world of difference. I'll tell you what helped me.....when my W unleashed so much venom on Memorial Day that I felt was unwarranted. It told me where her heart was and my fear of pushing her further away was just that.....fear. The reality is that I had already pushed her far enough. I've apologized enough, have made changes within myself and owned my part of the demise. I'm ready to move forward and to quit living in the past. I feel that we are to the point that she has to deal with her part and it isn't gonna help if I continue being her spare tire.

The words I heard from her and getting over the fear motivated me to do what I always felt was right. Hire a L to fight for my kids. I didn't do it from the beginning because I didn't want to make things ugly and push my W further away. You know what? Those are the choices that that our WAWs have given us and it is our responsibility to protect our kid(s).

MyK, your thread has helped me out a great deal and I want to do what I can to return the favor. Hope this post helps.

So continue GAL, taking care of yourself, keeping the road home paved and smooth and be confident in yourself. The rest will be up to your W.

[Redo]

LITB, Thanks for dropping by. Yup, i need to move on. Easy to say i guess. hard to do. Thanks for your encouragement.

I hope you are doing okay regarding your kids' custody. I know that you are in a similar boat as i am. But let me tell you, hiring a L has definitely humbled wife's confidence that she could do whatever she wanted and that i would simply take it. Last week we discussed possession schedule that i like much better. I still did not tell her that i'd agree to it. But it is much better than the earlier crazy schedule that she wanted before i got the lawyer. Hope you get out okay on this one man.