One foot out the door, the other on a rug....

[luvmyhubby]

Zero thank you for your response! This weekend was a BIG eyeopener and I backslid however I think it was really needed. I was implementing my new life and was out with mutual friends and I couldnt hold it in and let them know. They have known him and I for as long as we have been together and know what a good man he is. After my talk with them I went from shocked and grief stricken to mad about being lied to. I immediately cut short my evening went home to my sleeping H and woke him up. I calmly demanded that he tell me who he had been with and went over ever lie that I knew about etc. He was floored at my direct approach. I explained to him that I was his wife and I deserved respect and honesty without question and he agreed. He finally came out and said that he had not been with anyone else ( I do believe him) and that he had been staying at friends houses so he didnt have to come home and face me. We reviewed every question i had about where and when and all of it made sense and I believed him.
Then he said that he had been doing this becuase he didnt want to face me and actually tell me he wanted to leave. We talked and talked and i offered him to stay and for us to do db together etc. There were several other options i offered and we talked for over an hour. Then after passing the mirror in the bathroom I realized that I had to stop. I went back and told him that he needed to tell me to my face exactly what he wanted. He could not get the words "i want a divorce" out of his mouth no matter how hard he tried. I watched him for over 15 minutes cry and try and each time he could not do it. Finally I suggested that we possibly have a seperation instead of doing anything drastic since I wouldnt sign any papers anyway.
He jumped on that and seemed glad that I had suggested that. The reason i went ahead and did all of that was that he is in pain and isnt coming home because he doesnt want to be near me. Him seperating himself from our home is not good however I think he needs the time away to clarify where his real feelings are coming from. I do believe that he is depressed and stressed and is possibly in a MLC even though he is young.
I can see my role in the crumble of our marriage now it was both of us but my part is very evident. I packed his bag for him on Sat while he was working and I went out when he came home. He was nice enough to bring me dinner and then when he got his things together on Sunday I saw something that gave me hope. I had written him a love letter a week or so ago that said all of the great things about him that I loved etc. he said i hadnt ever told him any of those things. He took the letter with him instead of leaving it in a drawer at the house.
He came over last night to tell the kids the situation and before we did that I held his hands and told him we dont have to do this. He said I know but I do have to do this so I can figure out how to be happy. I wrote him another letter telling him I respected him and his choices not matter how they hurt. That I hoped he could find the peace he needs and get rid of the pain he was in. I also said that when and if he was ready the kids and I would be waiting for him.

I feel much better since all of this has happened like a huge weight is gone. Of course it hurts not having him there however worrying about him and hoping he would secretly hold me at night isnt a problem now. I am not saying I love you, not calling him or texting him and being very upbeat and making plans. I ask how he is and thank him for the things he does, and try to not linger around him.

Im praying that the fog lifts and he realizes we can have a great marriage again and it is worth fighting for. However if he does not I am also prepared for that downfall as well. Only time will tell .. In the meantime im praying and found a new church by my house.. He did agree to go to come to church with the kids and I on Sunday but Im still standing my ground.
_______________
H:31
W: 34
M- 11
Tog- 13
D-5
S-8
Seperated living apart
He has been this way for about 6 weeks...