When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[mishka422]

Ugh! Doing it again.

Gabe called me on his way home from work this afternoon and was chatting. He said he was thinking about going fishing this afternoon but it was so darned hot so he was going to go do some night fishing with his buddy instead.

That started the spiral. That was what he used to tell me sometime when he was going to meet the broom. He was going to they gym (for 4-5 hours!), he was meeting up with the guys to play pool and have drinks (but he would come home stone sober and distant). All those old feelings just shot back to the surface. He could tell something was wrong with me and I wasn't happy about him going fishing for that long. 1-2 hours is long enough but he's talking until 11 or 12 tonight. It's just too long and I'm SO uncomfortable. I can't tell him why so I just said it was fine.

I feel so bad for not trusting him but there is too much history. When he could tell that I was upset he said, "What's the problem? It's not like when you go out with your friends I ask you when you're going to be back or get all upset about it." I wanted SO badly to just say "I don't have a history of 'going out with friends' only to be off screwing someone else". I bit my tongue so hard to keep from doing that! This is just darned hard! I hate it!

How do I keep sucking up my feelings like this? If I tell him what I feel I'm afraid he will see it as an attack against him.

Any advice would be appreciated. I've been crying off and on for the last 3 hours and I'm exhausted. This stinks!