Life is a highway

[25yearsmlc]

I thought it was a graduation party...it's just a get together?

Then I am with sandi...

wth?

You mean Every time he has someone over at your place, SHE gets to come? or her "crazy family"? No, let your son enjoy a normal place for once.

it's the 1 upside of all this crap, isn't it?

[ninelives]

You guys are both right. I was only trying to be the bigger person here. She had me over for youngest sons bday and made a big deal that i show up for that. I was only wondering if the appropriate thing to do would recipricate this first year. I dont want that crazy beyoutch here but oldest son does love her.

Just wonder if I am looking small by not recpricating.

Update:

Just dropped off youngest son at the set time. Was 15 minutes late. W called as I was dropping him off apparently.

OM 's truck was in the driveway. I slipped a little curse word to myself as I pulled up in front of her house. Youngest son caught it. What dad he said, . Nothing i said but I think he knew. Damn. I said, Ok buddy , gotta go. I popped the trunk and he got his stuff and I left.

Like I said, W called my house while this was going on and asked if I was dropping son off yet. Oldest son told her that I was and she said, " OH Sh1t" and then hung up.

I dont know board. Im pretty cautious about people's feelings and really dont want to hurt people. I even have trouble sometimes swinging 2x4s here. Its just not my nature.
I would not ever had done some of the things. Okay, I get it, shes in a relationship with him. But please have some decency. She says she wants to be my friend down the road. I dont know, its been tough since my birthday and I have come out of it today with the boys. Had a good day mostly cleaning up and getting the pool ready. YOungest son is a fish and braved the coldest i have ever felt it. It was a fun day.

I know Im letting this get to me. I would just like to heal a little more before I have to confront that deuche bag , even though I didnt see him, it still hurts. I have to man up soon and let that crap slide right off me.

What a beyotch.

9

[ninelives]

I dont think I got my point across well here. She called as I was in the car driving my son to her place. So he must have showed up just about then. I dont know. I suppose since I was 15 minutes late, I had this coming to me. I am guessing that when she called my place, she was going to say that she was going to pick up youngest son. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt.

But again, I would have made damn sure that youngest son was there and then called OM if she had to see him tonight. It does bother me that OM is spending time with half my family but IT is what it is. I have to face that fact.

Oldest son asked me what was up and saw I was a little shaken. Nothing I said. Why did mom hang up on me when i said you were coming over. Dont worry about it I said. I changed the subject.

Hes no dummy. I think he knows but I dont want this to continue.

I have a chance at another date this weekend with a girl from the city who wants to move here. SHe is a teacher's assistant and even applied to my highschool, got the job but then turned it down. She has a cottage on this island.

I have been conversing with her on and off for about 5 months and she looks alot like my wife. Im not sure what to do about her. She mentioned that she is coming to the island this weekend and maybe we should hook up. I cant make that decision right now as my emotions are a little up but seriously, what am I holding on to here. She is in a full relationship with the OM, and is exposing my youngest to him on a full time basis it seems. How long do I wait until this fizzles out.

And then what, I pick up the pieces from there. Isnt it time that I just faced reality and say. ITs over and good luck with OM. I dont believe that their relationship will work but then again, I didnt think it would last this long. She may regret her decision or she may not.

ITs time to really let go of the rope and JUst try and be happy because life will pass me by. I know I will always love her on some level and I do almost feel sorry for her. She has been struggling most of her life to be happy and if she is truly getting there, Why should i stand in her way.

Is it possible that people make the wrong decision for this long with out being aware of what they are doing? How is that possible? She knows I love her and I think she believes that there would still be a chance for us but she would have to act sooner than later. I think even she knows that the longer she continues with OM in this manner, the harder it would be for us to be together again.

Holy, I intended this to be a short post but my fingers wont stop typing. That is one of the reasons I have tried very hard to stay away from her house. I have not creeped her facebook forever and even blocked her from seeing mine for at least 3 months now or longer.

I know 25 ,you went 2 years but there wasnt an OM or Ow in your case being flaunted in your face.

What am I holding on to. Not self respect, that is for sure.

9

[25yearsmlc]

you are right, there wasn't an OW that I know of, although I know h went on a few dates...(as did I) I did not snoop but I confronted once, pretty calmly and asked what he wanted. he said he wanted "US" but his actions were hell bent on his adventure in the Arctic wonderland...

and I had a d16 to finish HS so I pretty much knew I would not move til she finished school and that was 2 years. So I had some clarity of what I HAD to do for awhile. My plans for later...not as clear but eventually I did feel excited about MY future. That makes a big difference 9.

So I can only say...is moving on necessarily the same as giving up?

I don't think it is.

I think you can swim to the other shore better if you don't keep looking at the beach you left, (it's a he!! of a lot less painful)


and when you get to the other side you'll find you are a bit winded but stronger, and in a better place for a R...with someone...


which does NOT mean she cannot make the same swim later, when she's sure of what she wants.


If that time comes, I think she'll be clearer.

The question will be if you want her to join you where you are then.

The old m is dead. That's true and that's a good thing, right?


In truth, your m had troubles you came to realize after she left, correct?

Don't forget that when you say you miss her.

Sure You want to remember the good times, yes.
But don't white wash it when you start to feel that way.

Her family is...hmm, how do I say this delicately??

"Mean and nutty". Do you miss that stuff? Do you miss her bad moods?


Stay on your course and be a great dad. Model for them what men of honor and strength do, when they take a body blow like you have.

You'll never regret it. No matter how much pain you have endured by marriage to her, if the only way to have your kids in your life was to go thru it all again, I think you would in a heartbeat.

(I told my kids that once or twice, and they really seemed to appreciate it.) If it is true for you, let them know.


I won't tell you to hang in there and "hold on" for 2 years, b/c SOMETIMES hope can paralyze.


It's your life and life IS short. You are right. I just don't think moving on mandates giving up.

Take care

[sandi2]

I was only trying to be the bigger person here.

You are the bigger person, Nine. You always have been. I just wonder if you see what you're doing these times you are trying to do the right thing, take the highroad, or be the bigger person. What I'm seeing is a man who tries to detach, and even go dark for a few days, but gets sucked back into the hold his WAW has on him.

You love her. She keeps this stirred by contacting you every day. Oh, yes I know that the children are used as the excuse for the contact....but that's all it is. I'm sure it seems legit to you when you call or email her about one of the boys, but it's an excuse. I've know divorced people who never, NEVER, contacted each other and had little children. It can be done!

I think your biggest problem is not making up your mind which you want to do.....drop the rope and move forward, or hang around a few years to see if her and OM break up. There's not a day that goes by that you don't hope that she's kick OM to the curb and she'll call wanting to go back home. Even though that may be normal, I tend to believe you won't stop until until you make yourself drop the rope. Stop the contact, Nine. The boys aren't going to think less of you for standing tall and moving on with your life. The people in the community sure won't think less of you. In fact, they may have lost a little respect knowing you keep rolling over as she emotionally kicks you in the b@lls.

I'm not trying to hurt you, Nine. Never have. I want to help you. But, until you can decide, and say which way to go with this, I just stay kind of confused and not sure what advice to give. But....I'm still here for you, FWIW.

(((hugs)))

[25yearsmlc]

^^^ good stuff...

and I have a hunch your boys would love to see you happy...

and maybe that means with OW...if it's real

[ninelives]

Thank you so much both of you.

Its rare when I have the honor to have both of the leading ladies of this board chime in. I have always read your posts and I know that you have always tried to help NO MATTER WHAT. I have taken my share of 2x4's from you both as well and I know that they were administered with love. That is what I admire about both of you.

You have navigated through this crap and dont have to be here yet you continue in what I assume is a way of giving back to something that helped you. And for this, the entire board is grateful. I feel that way about sports growing up there was always a coach to assist me in playing the games I loved and when I became an adult, I too wanted to give back to sports. Because they shaped me. Both my parents were into restaurants so they didnt really raise me. sports and Charles Ingles are were I learned my values.

I have learned a great deal about relationships from this board.
I did consider myself a decent husband but now looking back, I see some glaring short comings that I thought were normal. I so should have dealt with them as an adult rather than a teen. I guess I will regret those for the rest of my life but they really shouldnt have been enough to destroy my marriage. Not by a long shot.

I do fluctuate almost every day Sandi, you are 100% correct. One day or week I believe that its over and why would I even want that drama back and then I remember the good times and believe that my kids deserve the family that they both want.

It gets better and then its not. I need to find that consistency and must force myself to drop that damn rope once and for all. I told my therapist once that if a year goes by and I still feel this way, then I will be worried about me.

Its difficult IMO to erase all those years without some kind of fight. I think i quoted this song once.

" Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight, got to kick at the darkness till it bleeds day light" Bruce Coburn.

But I think Im close to kicking all I can for now and like 25 mentioned, time to get to the other side of the shore and stop looking back, if she wants to join me later, then I will have to decide if I want her on my beach.

Thanks again ladies, YOu and so many others on this site deserve several of my paychecks and even then I would feel that I have short changed you.

Tomorrow is another day. I must try and navigate it well.

9

[ninelives]

The hits just keep on coming.

Yougest son just called me and went dirt bike riding. Now OM is taking him to and doing something I didnt get a chance to do with him. What does bile taste like because there is a taste in my mouth right now I cant get out. He just called me excited that he went. Wow, why is SHE DOING THIS? Why cant she let things happen slowly. DID OUR Last 20 years mean nothing to her.

And youngest son is so innocent when he tells me about it. I didn't say anything negative. All I said was that I was glad he had a good time. IT just drives me nuts to imagine my wife and OM watching my son dirt bike while they sit and chat about other things.

Its just not right. Im sorry to be venting like this right now.

Then he informs me that MOM wants to talk to Oldest son. She wants to know how he is enjoying his new guitar.

I was cleaning out my yahoo mail and noticed some old emaails.

Two stood out back in 09, a mere two years ago. One where my wife is working night shift and complained that she was so tired so I told her I would stay up with her to protest her nightshift.

She said" HI honey, are you really going to stay up all night cause im working nights. Go to bed you NUT. ( a few other things followed by ) Love you lots. Wife

Another one where I signed off, Love you to death pretty lady.

Where the hell did all that go? How does it slip away? Its crazy to me that just two short years ago we are talking to each other like that and now youngest son is calling me about dirtbiking but I think he felt guilty because he said he just wanted to wish me a good night. Or it could be because this is the first night of the change over so he is missing me and his brother. I dont know, Im all effed up right now.

Just venting , just venting.

9

[ninelives]

Just a thought. Is she trying to punish me for some reason. He may have called on his own but she usually asks. I dont know. I guess she wouldnt tell him to not call and keep it secret.

Just tough it out 9. Its all about the kids really and I guess he wouldnt see that I might be upset that OM took him.

Ok , watch NBA finals and then get some sleep.

Good night all.

9

[~¤DG¤~]

9

I can tell your really hurting right now, and I wish I had a magic wand to make all of this easier on you.

You & I both know that dropping the rope is hard. If it wasn't, we would have done it a long time ago, right?

Keep your chin up 9, I'm thinking about you.