After posting on StillLearning and NineLives threads I now know where the three of us are in our darkness pact - between 8 and 14 days I believe. I hope my BID's (brothers in darkness) don't mind me saying this: the 3 of us having something else in common - we are weak when it comes to our STBX/WAW. We all just can't seem to completely drop the rope, regardless of what we say.
It's kinda like we are the 3 weak kids in high school banding together to protect ourselves from the school bully. I hope that makes sense and no one is offended.
D19 returns from vacation in Mexico with her bf today. It will be nice to have them back. I have a family home to clean. On to day 11.
I posted something like this on DelinquentGirls thread, but want to go into it deeper here since id deals with not being able to detach or drop the rope, or whatever term you want to choose.
There are a handful of animals that pair bond for life. I also believe that there are only so many humans that are designed or wired to be pair bond for life. Over half all marriages end in divorce, others cheat while married and others just stay married for logistical reasons. What that means to me, is that there are a limited number of human animals that consider marriage more important than anything else.
I truly believe that I am a lifer. When we fall in love we think our partner is one too. But love makes us see things that aren't true and ignore things that are. If we lifers managed to find another lifer we would be be content forever. Maybe not thrilled and excited, but content.
Even after STBX had an EA (at least) with her Boss for years, I didn't give in or give up. When she moved out, I still didn't. Even now that she is open involved with her Boss, I just can't 100% end our marriage. The more difficult it became, the harder I worked. STBX didn't admire and respect that, because she isn't a lifer. Instead, it made her angry and frustrated. She can't understand my dedication any more than I can understand her complete disregard for family and marriage. Why? Because we are not built the same way.
This revelation doesn't mean I will be depressed the rest of my life because our marriage is over, but it does explain why I still (and may always) have that empty feeling. I am set up to honor my vows and be with one woman and one family. Nothing I can do will ever change that. You can't change who you are at your core.
One thing many of us here have in common is that we are lifers. We wouldn't have found our way here otherwise. Sure it seems like we are not that rare since there are so many members here. But...there are literally millions of marriages ending around the world and look how many people are actually here. Further more, look how many are long term members and don't just give up and give in.
I know....I know...someone is going to say that we need to move on and shouldn't be here for so long. That's like telling a mother to kill their child. Some of us were simply built differently by God or whomever and we must do the polar opposite of what our heart, mind and soul tell us to. We may be able to do it, but it will be more difficult for us than others. You can cut bread with a spoon, but it sure is easier with a knife. For us lifers, ending our marriage is like doing just that.
I have been trying to get this idea out clearly and I hope I have. If you are a true lifer, and you know your spouse isn't it does make it easier to forgive. They are simply doing what their mind, heart and soul tells them to. Just like us.
Now back to day 11 of not being what God made me.......
I know what you are saying BTM, and no I was not offended by you calling me weak in this regard. I believe we would be weaker if we just let go to tell you the truth. ITs just not about her, its also about our family which i love and miss so much. The four of us having dinner together etc...
IM not sure if Im going to be a lifer. I may be in my heart in some corner but that is just too painful to go on like this the rest of your life. I think it will take somebody extra special to get her out of our minds. Never totally, but enough to love that new person and be able to cope.
Song in the 70's ,love the one your with. I never really got that song because I thought it would be insane not to be with the one you love but I now know that is not always possible. But if you do love the one your with, that may grow over the years until you can truly get your lifer out of your soul.
make sense?
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
It does. Sadly. I also won't be a lifer. But...that is what I believe men like you and I were naturally meant to be.
With the knowledge I have know, I could make a relationship work with just about any woman. Seriously. An arranged marriage would work. Give me someone I find somewhat attractive and I could make it work.
But..just that. Make it work. I don't think I will EVER love another woman as deeply as I do STBX. But, I also will never need to do so, thanks to all I have learned over the last 5 years.
Never say never BTM. I loved a girl in highschool with all my heart and was devastated when we broke up, its because I moved away. 30 years later she says she never loved anybody like she loved me, including her husband with 2 kids. And I NEVER thought I would love like that again. But i did. It took a long time to really fall in love with my wife , I mean real love, I told her I loved her early in the relationship and the sex was amazing and she is sooooo beautiful.
But we must be open to finding that again if it doesnt work out. It will be a different love but I think it can still happen.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
I just checked my journal and realized that last time I hit 11 days of darkness, I broke it by calling STBX. So end of day tomorrow will establish a new record for me. Sometimes I need little things like that to prove to myself that I am doing a decent job of quitting.
The best part - every day after will be yet another record!
I'm smiling right now because on the surface, bragging about how long we've been 'ignoring' our W's seems ridiculous. Someone looking over our shoulders, seeing that, would think we were just being cruel. If they only knew
Hope today goes well for you and your upcoming record!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
D19 was just showing me pics of her vacation in Mexico with her bf. It made me happy for her, but so sad. STBX and I loved vacations together and went twice a year as a couple and then at XMAS with our kids. It also made me think of STBX and OM/boss being away together a few months ago. I thought of them meeting other vacationers and those people only knowing them as a couple. They would think they are married and they are - just not to each other. I didn't let my sadness show to D19. I just said "that makes me miss vacations". Just one year ago, STBX and I were away together for her 40th bday. What a difference a year makes.
Today my Boss upset me a little at work. In the past I would call my wife to feel better. I also thought of that today. So...today was a little rough from a memories point of view, but nothing I can't handle. I can handle anything now.
One good thing about today. This is day 12 of total darkness. That's the "best" I have ever done. It will feel good to make it official when this day ends.
As I start day 13 of total darkness, I was doing a summation in my mind. It's been almost 2 years since I returned here, almost 1 1/2 years since STBX moved out, about 6 months she went open about relationship with OM/Boss and 6 weeks since I found that out.
With all that in mind, here's where I am today:
1) Virtually no hope to save the marriage and less desire to do so than ever before
2) I am still in my house with my kids. Leaving here no longer feels like I am living in a shrine to her and memories.
3) Still no legal agreement of any kind. STBX still paying me $1000 a month to help look after kids.
4) No change (yet) from original plan to sell house and divorce next summer. But...I think I have found a way to keep the house.
5) Work is the best it has ever been for me. I have reacquainted with a couple of old friends and am doing my best to GAL.
6) I am walking, working out, eating better etc. I look very good for 42.
7) I am hiding cash every month and will have a decent amount put away by the time we divorce. I also have my employer holding back some bonuses that will be paid to me when it's all over. I am protecting my interests and those of my kids.
8) Kids are actually doing fairly well and I have become closer to both. S17 finally trusts me a little.
9) I sleep well at night again without pills.
10) I still think of STBX and OM many times per day. I still miss her at times, but the pain and longing lessen just a little each day. I miss her touch, cuddling, sex and simply being there. But, I also know that some day I will likely experience all those things with someone else.
So....today my life is not what I expected it would be 2 years ago. But, it's also not nearly as bad as it could be. I have to credit myself for that. Without this site, journaling, my counselor, reading, and talking to friends, I would be so much worse.
