Side Trip from Forward Motion

[BeingMe]

Thank you all for caring, even to discuss my situation. I hardly ever get traffic here, so I feel honoured. I do get what you are all saying in your various ways. You got the "non-loving, and cheating partner" of my H right, but he isn't mean or abusive (wait, maybe he is psychologically). Anyway, he sure isn't in to me, and I am not happy with him, so it is best we separate. This song has played too long.

Here is where I stand right now, my attempt to get them ducks in a row, and make logic what is emotional ...

My H says he does not love me. To be fair, I did ask him. I also asked him if we could continue our M, and he said no. So, I have clarity about our R. He denies that there is an OW, but I don't believe him. He is now sleeping in our spare bedroom. Our marital room is hardly a place of passion (twice in two years), so I said he should sleep there. He travels for work a lot ... he is more away then here, so it will make things easy.

He continues to invite me out to do things, is pleasant, for instance, he complimented me on how good the car looks after I cleaned it, etc. When he invited me to go kayaking with my D18, I said no. I told him, I am giving him his space. He says he doesn't want it. Then I said he obviously does since he wants to separate. Once, a few weeks ago, he told me that he thought I won him back 7 years ago when I was having fun (this was after I had told him I finally wanted the D and my daughter and I were planning our new home, etc. I was happy at last, free to be myself, no longer walking on eggshells). I told him I was not trying to win him back. So, now I am making it obvious that I am not trying to win him back. I don't want him back. He has hurt me too much. I certainly don't want him back just because I'm having fun, or fun to be with. M is about more than that, and if he can't see it, then it's a lost M anyway. I think he wants us to be buddies and do things together while he's at home, but have his thing away from home to himself. I can only guess, because he is not one to talk things through.

All of this comes up when I am about to have my yearly MRI and oncology appointment. I've had two clean MRI's, so I am praying for another. It's been 1.5 years since I beat this cancer, and I am so nervous and scared, but I will not show him. As my H he should know this.

So!

1. I have decided that the house should not be sold until everything is fixed and the market changes ... hopefully, in the next 2 years.
2. At the same time, I hope to have graduated with my BA (Creative Writing).
3. Also, we hope to go back to my home country with D18. My mother-in-law is deteriorating with her altzheimers and I want to see her, if only for the last time. I truly cared about her.
4. My niece wants me to go with her to Israel in August, so I am tempted to do so, and write a piece about that experience and sell it. I have to get my new career kick-started. I don't want to rely on my H, although after 25 years marriage, he pretty much has to support me, if I read the BC rules correctly. I will go to a lawyer and check what my rights are.
5. H will have to continue paying the house mortgage, and everything else until the house is sold, including school fees. Once all that is done, we will buy separate domains, and sign on the dotted line. I have told him that once those signatures dry, there will be no going back.
6. I will be moving on. We are separated now. We just haven't made it official.
7. While I have this time, I have to get my own credit history going. I don't have one. I have been a mom and wife all my married life. H deals with the finances and I have not a clue about them. My bad ... I should've paid attention. I doubt I could get a normal job now, since I had this health issue. And, anyway, I want a career which he has with my 25 years support. My turn now.

So, these are my ducks marching in a row, I hope. If he forces anything, than I will have to rethink the ducks, and go with tigers.