As 25 has suggested, and I apologize my narrow focus on SS21, the point to the tirade was not about SS21 and independent living, so much as it was specifically about your wife's apparent indifference (which could change back to normal any time) and how this might affect SS21.
IOW, what she is doing is not harmful to SS21, but it's not helpful, either. And that is exactly what we look at here regarding DB. Always asking the question, "Will it help or will it hurt the stich?"
May I submit that finding or developing a support network for SS21 will be helpful to EVERYONE in your sitch...
But that's just my opinion.
In the end, be the best you can, as I know you will.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Tirade? Did I miss a tirade? I didn't see a tirade...
Anyway, you both make very good points but as you both can also imagine the sitch with SS21 is very complex. His father and stepmother have him the other 50% of the time (we all live within a few mile of each other) and they bring a whole different set of conditions to the table.
25, you asked what the long range plan is. There is no such thing as a "long range plan" when you are dealing with behavioral and social handicaps at this severe level. It is one day at a time. Period. The demand far exceeds the supply for available spaces in professionally supervised group homes; the waiting list is years long. So we muddle on, doing the best we can with whatever resources we can get our eyes, ears, hands and minds on.
But I digress, and I'd like to put this part of the sitch to bed. As KD said, my W's indifference may evaporate at any moment, so I continue to be as supportive and optimistic as I can. God knows she has dealt with more than any one person should deal with, and I am starting to look at her and her issues with a "kinder, gentler" set of eyes.
Regardless of how our R or M turns out, I will always have great respect and admiration for what she has endured with this part of her life.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
W and I have been getting along very well lately. Her mood is relaxed, we've been talking like old times and she has been commenting favorably on my appearance (have lost about 30 lbs. since The Bomb, been going to the gym daily and have updated most of my wardrobe since nothing fits anymore).
I know to be wary of anything since the mood could change like the wind direction, but it is nice to be able to both live under the same roof without having to duck and cover every day. I've been resisting the temptation to push toward some physical interaction, thanks to my intensive DB training. Still maintaining an "as if" mindset, and I think that may be part of the catalyst that is creating this new interaction between us.
Stay tuned...
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
30 lbs. - that's impressive. Seems like a lot of us here have lost a lot of weight. The 'ol Divorce Diet.
Glad to hear you two are getting along and you're not walking on eggshells so much. Gotta take the positives when you get 'em. Gotta be prepared for the pull-backs!
I said I'd be wary of the upturn in W's mood and I was wise to do that. She's back to icy stares and one-word answers.
Today is a tough day. Tomorrow will be 3 months exactly since The Bomb, and even though that is a very short time compared to a lot of other sitch's it still feels like an eternity. No affection, no tenderness, no ML...still sleeping in separate bedrooms. I've been keeping busy, going out with my kids when I can, working on the never-ending house projects and generally trying to occupy my mind with other things. But there are several moments during the day when I look at what is going on and say to myself, "What's the use? She is never going to change how she feels. This is as good as it is ever gong to get."
And that is just not enough for me.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
I understand your feelings completely, because I feel that way also. We're told to be patient, but it feels like an eternity even if it's only been a day because we are hurting.
It's good to see you are keeping yourself busy, that's about all you can do.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
you already know that 3 months is "nothing" to those who have endured far longer
and we know it's an eternity when you're in it...
so all you can is all you can do.
Everyone's time limit is different. You might aim for an INTERNAL/NOT TO BE SHARED timeliine, to know there's a light of some sort, at the end of the tunnel and you get to determine that part of this.
There are some things you can control, after all.
How are your 180s? And though your busyness sounds great, I'm hoping you do a GAL activity that gets you around new people, it's just more stimulating and so it gets your mind off the R/situation...and I think it adds a bit of "mystery" to whatever you are doing....for your w to see.
I HIGHLY RECOMMEND an article by Laura Munson (I'm only sure of her last name) and it's called
"Those aren't fighting words" about an MLC of her h and her approach.
I can't do links b/c I'm too computer illiterate.
But check it out.
Hang in there
And las
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
DG, I saw your post this AM; seems like we're running parallel courses. Just think how Zen-like we will be when we get through this!
25, I have been surrounding myself with new activities, new people, new experiences, and that part is superb. It's coming home to the Land of the Un-Marriage that rattles me sometimes. This morning was more venting/journaling than anything else.
Thanks for the tip about Laura Munson. I'll look it up. Looks like you were going to add something ("And las") but got sidetracked.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
