Yeah the notion of OP's are something that is hard to grapple with. The boundary I set was that we will consider OP's but not until we have what can be termed as a strong marriage.
What does that mean?
Well for one we need to be past the piecing stage. We need to be strong IF we go down the road of an open marriage it needs to be because we want to add a little something extra to something that is good. IF we have an open marriage it needs to be because we love and care each other, not that she loves me because I let her have an open marriage. She needs to love me for me. Just yesterday she tried testing my resolve and said that thinking about having OW's made her want more ml with me. I told her that is not what I wanted and that I want her to want me for me. If not what was the point of M.
It also means that we need to get past the ssm and have a good sex life together before any OP's get introduced. I will not get sloppy seconds. I will not work my butt off and sacrifice so that she can give the thing I want the most from her to OP's. IF we allow OP's into our life's they will be secondary things people we bring in every once in a while to spice things up. The primary relationship is between me and my W.
Most importantly if I let her do this it has to be because I want her to have a fun experience I can't provide, not because I am afraid she will leave if I don't. Like I said before I'm not going to lie and say that this lifestyle does not sound enticing, it does sound fun.
So why have I been so against it? I'm afraid I will lose her if I let her do it. At the same time she claims to walk if I don't let her. Kind of a catch 22. So I guess I have decided the following:
"we will consider it and try it as long as we have a strong marriage in which we both can seriously trust that we will not leave each other for OP's"
In order to do that we need to work on the marriage. Once we have a fulfilling sex life together, once she appreciates what she has with me, once she no longer threatens to walk out after every minor fight, once we can make each other feel that no one can replace the other, then we can test the waters with OP's.
Will this happen soon, no. Yet it's the sacrifice that she makes of no OP's until we are strong that will show me that her primary love is me. I don't want to be with someone who can't make this sacrifice for me. I'm not asking her to go celibate, I just want her to show me that our R is so important that she is willing to put her desire for OW's on hold until we have a strong marriage.
I've accepted that my W will always have same sex wants. She needs to show me though that our R is more important than these wants. If she can do that it will go a long way in helping me feel comfortable in letting her.
Oh I almost forgot yesterday's update:
Good day over all I went by myself to play cards, then we went to dinner and a movie. During dinner she casually reminded me that "I had changed my mind again, and that she had threatened to leave if I changed my mind" translation: you have challenged my rules again, and I told you the punishment was me leaving if you did". I casually told her that yes I was changing the rules, and that I felt that unless we did this we would get a D anyway. What we were doing before was not working so we need to do this. Then the appetizer arrived, and she dropped the whole conversation. We later watched a movie at home, and snuggled on the couch.
She's already testing the boundary, I know itll just get worse from here. Need to stay strong, need to make her understand that this marriage is not built on OP's but on our willingness to stay together. If OP's are that important that she can't put the idea on hold until we are stable then she needs to go.
