I posted something like this on DelinquentGirls thread, but want to go into it deeper here since id deals with not being able to detach or drop the rope, or whatever term you want to choose.
There are a handful of animals that pair bond for life. I also believe that there are only so many humans that are designed or wired to be pair bond for life. Over half all marriages end in divorce, others cheat while married and others just stay married for logistical reasons. What that means to me, is that there are a limited number of human animals that consider marriage more important than anything else.
I truly believe that I am a lifer. When we fall in love we think our partner is one too. But love makes us see things that aren't true and ignore things that are. If we lifers managed to find another lifer we would be be content forever. Maybe not thrilled and excited, but content.
Even after STBX had an EA (at least) with her Boss for years, I didn't give in or give up. When she moved out, I still didn't. Even now that she is open involved with her Boss, I just can't 100% end our marriage. The more difficult it became, the harder I worked. STBX didn't admire and respect that, because she isn't a lifer. Instead, it made her angry and frustrated. She can't understand my dedication any more than I can understand her complete disregard for family and marriage. Why? Because we are not built the same way.
This revelation doesn't mean I will be depressed the rest of my life because our marriage is over, but it does explain why I still (and may always) have that empty feeling. I am set up to honor my vows and be with one woman and one family. Nothing I can do will ever change that. You can't change who you are at your core.
One thing many of us here have in common is that we are lifers. We wouldn't have found our way here otherwise. Sure it seems like we are not that rare since there are so many members here. But...there are literally millions of marriages ending around the world and look how many people are actually here. Further more, look how many are long term members and don't just give up and give in.
I know....I know...someone is going to say that we need to move on and shouldn't be here for so long. That's like telling a mother to kill their child. Some of us were simply built differently by God or whomever and we must do the polar opposite of what our heart, mind and soul tell us to. We may be able to do it, but it will be more difficult for us than others. You can cut bread with a spoon, but it sure is easier with a knife. For us lifers, ending our marriage is like doing just that.
I have been trying to get this idea out clearly and I hope I have. If you are a true lifer, and you know your spouse isn't it does make it easier to forgive. They are simply doing what their mind, heart and soul tells them to. Just like us.
Now back to day 11 of not being what God made me.......
