I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

Peace has never been the problem. This is what STBXW has wanted for two years. She wants us to be these casual friends where the kids come and go freely and we share time and stuff. Like neighbors.

I don't want that really. I want it all or nothing, but there are kids involved, and I'm trying to simplify my life. I just want to live without anger and fear. If I'm not afraid, I won't be angry. If I'm not angry I won't be bitter.

So if the girls want to go swimming and STBXW wants to stay and watch, it would be petty of me to say no.

Of course, deep down, all kinds of other motives play a part. In February 2009, when she finally point blank said she wanted a divorce and was certain, she also said "a little part of" her thought she was making the biggest mistake of her life.

I believe that too, but she won't realize it until I let go of the anger and bitterness. And I also look good. I've been working out all winter. Who knows what my answer would have been if I had put on 30 pounds.

It's just hard because the more time we spend together the more my brain won't let go.