WAW, and a bisexual open marriage part 2

[25yearsmlc]

GB,

2 thoughts...

First, you are negotiating with her instead of setting a boundary.
You are telling her that "IF this is fixed, THEN we can have an open M"

and unless I'm retarded, I thought your whole point was that you do NOT want an open m...


Second... "A Soldier's Wife"...

When we lived in Alaska it was a HARSH military assignment, super hard on familiies too. Ironically H had requested it and I did agree...(My excuse is that I was pregnant and not thinking straight... )

Anyhow, we finally got on-post housing where I met Susan, another Ofc Wife up the street. Susan is a social worker who helps others with their problems.

Her h and my h coached wrestling for our son and their sons, and her h was a battalion commander as well.

They had 3 kids. In summer of 2001 their youngest, d5 got diagnosed with what turned out to be a bad neuro disease. Lots of trips to the lower 48 for 2nd and 3rd opinions...but it's a progressive ailment with no cure.
Very sad. Looks like a long road ahead with a bad outcome likely.

Then 9-11 happened...

Susan's h gets orders to lead a combat battalion in Afghanistan. It's now October with his orders set to leave before Christmas.

Susan's sister suddenly gets sick and dies of late diagnosed breast cancer at Thanksgiving. WTH? They were close.

This is a lot to take in, but Susan is strong. She cries privately.

Her h asks if h should request a deferral for hardship reasons, or just refuse the assignment, but Susan says "No, h, you should go, you trained for this & your men love you, etc"...

but inside, she wishes the timing of these events had given her some breathing room.

It's a lot to take in and deal with. She prays a lot.

Her h left for Afghanistan in Jan of 2002.

Fast forward to today...

Her d is on a ventilator and will die this year or next. Her sons went through high school without their father for the most part. No coaching by dad.

During his absence, Susan attends 5 death notifications of people she knows, as the commander's wife, she reaches out to each widow & family. They lean on her a lot and she worries for them.

Susan's h is wounded and sent "home" to a med center 2000 miles away, where she joins him for the rehab.

He has a serious injury from a large explosion. He has "shrapnel" that cannot be safely removed from his spinal area, and he's in a lot of pain and always will be. He cannot go up stairs. He sort of walks but only with a cane or walker. She helps carry him at times, and he's a big guy...he gets depressed, and has some PTSD. They work it out.

Susan still works at her job helping others...and

Susan has NEVER COMPLAINED about any of this. Ever...literally.

She's a local leader, an optimistic friend & a great mother. I admire her.

Susan is an unsung hero but mostly, she's a soldier's wife.


Frankly, I know few women who could do ALL of this.

But honestly, Do you see your w able to withstand any ONE of these problems without complaint?

You see her taking care of you the way Susan cares for her h?

And their dying d?

And her home and holding down a job?

Do you think Susan talks about how boring she thinks her h is....??


I could go on... but I hope you get

why it's so frustrating for me, a vet and wife of an officer myself, to hear her treatment of you (and by extension, the military...)



YOU need to learn about boundaries, and leadership in your own m, before you'll get anywhere with this, my young friend.

Take care

[greenblue90]

I'll admit that this is more negotiating than a true boundary.

I'm following the advice of a close friend who claims to have a successful open marriage he told me to consider why this bothered me so much. To consider if my jealousy stems from being afraid of losing her to someone else. Well it's true that this has weighed heavily on me. I'm also not going to lie and say I didn't enjoy going to a strip club with her.

He explained that couples that are not solid to begin with, will inevitably get a D. So as 25 said this marriage was doomed the way it was going. Also as 25 and my buddy said relationships are about sacrifice. So I'm going to try to be open minded about this marriage thing if she can convince me that she cares about me. When she asked me how I told her that she had to show to me that we can have a good M without OP's before we even consider OP's. I'm not going to lie and say that a very adventurous sex life sounds interesting. Yet I have decided as a personal boundary that I will not do it while our M is on the rocks. In other words all the excitement of this is not worth all the strain it will put on a struggling M.

I told her that she needs to decide if our marriage is worth making sacrifices in the near term. She told me she couldn't go without OP's I told her that her statement told me our M was not worth it then, and she could leave if she wanted. She said she needed time, I told her that was fine.

She has been calling all the shots, I'll compromise some. Most importantly I feel OP's at this point will only hinder progress. She told me she needed to do what made her happy I agreed. I also told her I needed the same, and that the current sitch was not working for me.


She threatened to walk a couple of times I told her she could.

We went to bed I could tell she had a lot on her mind. This morning it was as if nothing had happened which I guess is a very passive away of accepting my boundaries. I'm sure they will be tested soon. I pray for strength. We seem to be in good terms. Then again her powers of avoidance are amazing.

[25yearsmlc]

you're going around in circles with her and yourself. You don't know what you want.
Now you met some guy who says you CAN have an "open" marriage so it's all fine??

Then you say for now, OPs will hinder progress....no kidding.

They will end your m.

Whats with the fake talk as if we are discussing how much she spends?
[b]
Are OM's or OWs a deal breaker or not?
[/b]
And when do you think your m will be "healthy" enough to do

something that most people (the VAST AND OVERWHELMING MAJORITY) find fatal to their marriage?