I am the devil....

[tadpole1025]

Wow. Honestly everyone, I wasn't trying to be controlling, but I see how it was. I was just trying to hold conversation, but I guess I should just apply Eric's rule of STFU. It is getting where I can't say anything to her. I guess I need to keep it to strictly business. It is very hard. She was my best friend for 25 years.

25, yes I am taking responsibility. I know there were a lot of things that I could have done differently. This isn't all her fault. I know that. My 180's have mostly been how I interact with her. Sure, I still make mistakes, but I am trying. An example would be: she always used to accuse of me of needing to have the last word. I don't do that anymore. Well, most of the time, but I am getting better. Practice...practice....practice.

When she has been sick in the past, which wasn't very often, I always took care of her. I'd do anything she needed. Make her soup, massage her feet, rub her shoulders, get her medicine...Hell, I did that when she wasn't sick. I spoiled her. I worshipped the ground she walked on.

Trusting, you are right. It is so hard not to take this crap personally.

Antonia, she actually started the conversation and I kept it going. I have often wondered the same things that you mentioned about them pulling us in.

Also to an answer an earlier post from AJ about the positives in my life, I have:

my friends and family

my health

a lot of good years ahead of me

a roof over my head

food on my table

a great personality

a God that I trust

a lot of abilities

people that care about me

and I have my sons...one of which just graduated high school and is making plans for college. I still have them and thank God for them everyday.

W has contacted me in one way or another atleast once a day since Tuesday. She has not contacted me today and I really hope that she doesn't. Sure I'd like to talk to her, but I don't want to hear her hate and I don't want to risk making things worse.

I continue to look for work and for a smaller place to live. I hope to be in a new place by August. I just can't afford this one anymore and to be honest, I want a smaller place and to simplify my life. I may also have a job. I hope to know more by next week. It isn't anything glamorous or anything close to being on the radio, but it is a job.

I really do appreciate everyone's comments. Some of them sting (25) but it is stuff that i need to hear. I also understand that I need to take this opportunity to make myself a better person, but the ultimate goal is still to save my marriage. I feel like I am running out of time. No court date yet, but it is coming.

Thanks again.

Tad